Narcissists feed off the admiration of others which is why they try to gain sympathy or sympathy for others. If they can’t be the hero in anyone’s life, the narcissist plays the victim of other people’s abuse. This is one of the best narcissistic manipulation tactics they use. Learn more about the narcissistic victim mentality.

the main points:

Narcissism can be viewed as a disorder of the regulation of self-esteem as well as a deficiency in emotional empathy.
Narcissists twist the truth to present themselves as either heroes or innocent victims of the malice of others.
Narcissists lack complete object relations, which means they can only see themselves as perfect or worthless.
If the narcissist can’t be your hero, they may claim to be your victim.
One simple way to understand narcissistic personality disorder is to look at it as a disorder regulating self-esteem as well as a lack of emotional empathy. Most of what narcissists do and hurt others is trying to manage their shaky self-esteem.

Narcissists live in their emotional world where their need to feel special and validated by others takes precedence over anything and anyone else.

While many narcissists appear overly confident, this is a very thin facade that can be easily disrupted. Narcissists are not as self-sufficient as they may seem. They need other people to prove they are special or they feel insecure.

Related: Why The Narcissist Targets You: 5 Reasons

In this way, it is a bit like an outdoor thermometer. The thermometer itself does not control whether the mercury inside rises or falls.

Mercury responds to the conditions around the thermometer – it rises in response to heat and decreases in response to cold. The narcissist’s self-esteem rises in response to praise and decreases in response to being ignored or disrespected.

Note: I am using the terms narcissistic, narcissistic, and NPD as an acronym to refer to people who qualify for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

Split Narcissists lack whole-being relationships

From the point of view of object relations theory, all people with personality disorders lack complete object relations (WOR). This lack of perfect object relations means that they can only see themselves and others as either completely good or bad.

They cannot form an integrated, stable, and realistic picture of people that includes both likable and undesirable qualities. This is also called “splitting” or black-and-white thinking with no shades of grey. Each personality disorder has a different definition of good and bad. In the narcissistic type of segmentation:

All-good = special, complete, omnipotent, admirable, high status, perfect, and entitled to special treatment.
Everything bad = worthless, flawed, inadequate, mean, wrong, and worth nothing.
This leads people with NPD to focus excessively on projecting an image they feel is admirable and blameless. It also leads to belittling others and not taking responsibility for their share of failures and mistakes.

Read : How to Spot Someone Playing The Victim? 6 Signs

Hero:

In myths, fairy tales, action movies, and news stories, some heroes save others – through strength, courage, intelligence, toughness, and perseverance. The protagonists in these stories are usually the main character and the focus of everyone’s attention and grateful admiration.

It is easy to see the overlap between the concept of the hero and the narcissistic version of the good side of the dichotomy into the private versus the worthless.

Victim:

By definition, victims are not responsible for their condition. If they fail in an area, it is because someone else has exploited it for them or is exploiting them. The essence of victim embrace is embracing the idea that everything bad that happens to you is someone else’s fault.

Of course, there are real victims in life who suffer greatly at the hands of others. Many narcissists have been victims of some form of poor parenting. However, this is in the past.

Now when people with NPD claim to be victims, they usually twist the truth to fit their narrative that they are always right. Many narcissists claim to be an innocent victims of someone they are victimizing—someone they have been abusing. Narcissists can convince themselves of almost anything if it protects their self-esteem.

To understand why a person who wants to be seen as perfect and privileged will adopt the idea that he is a victim, we have to return to the separate thinking between good and evil. It’s easy to see how the hero can be considered perfect, but the victim can be considered flawless too.

This is a bit like the old Superman comic books and movies. Superman is a hero who dedicates his life to saving people, but when some bad guys expose him to kryptonite, he becomes vulnerable. The hero temporarily becomes the victim.

Heroes are seen as special because they are recognized as having highly desirable qualities. Victims are seen as blameless. This means that when people with NPD have any form of success, they can see themselves as heroes. This validates their good self-image as better than others.

However, if they have had a failure, they can still feel whole and maintain their feeling of being okay by embracing the idea that their failure is someone else’s fault. They are the blameless victim. Another person intentionally hurts or frustrates them. You, their victim, have been recast as kryptonite.

Read : “Of Course Method”: A Defensive Technique that Neutralizes Narcissistic Abuse