Being the target of a narcissist’s hatred is the most confusing experience you will ever have in your life. It is made of paradoxes, opposites and sleight of hand.
Just when you think you’re out of the nightmare, you wake up in the middle of another and there doesn’t seem to be any relief in sight.
It’s absolutely soul-crushing to give your all to a narcissist and feel like you’ve finally made some progress in reaching them, only for them to hit you with the most hateful and horrific episode yet.
It’s as if they truly hate you to the depths of your soul. As if they could barely be in the same room with you or breathe the same air as you, and they may have told you this in so many words, but you feel so shocked by the intense hatred in their voices during these episodes, the difficulty in remembering everything they said.
The irony is that just when things seem to be truly over, and you have accepted in your heart and soul that it is time to move on, the narcissist’s appearance changes again to become gentle, perhaps even affectionate.
It’s completely confusing. Why are they doing this? Are they tormented souls so wounded that they cannot help? Is there anything you can do at all to speak to the wounded inner self that the narcissist seems to keep buried so deep?
As someone who loves a narcissist, it is often easier to believe that they have no control over these conflicting behaviors. We can identify with what we think is their inner pain, but that is a story we tell ourselves. A story that keeps us engaged with them in a whirlwind cycle of crazy highs and lows that ultimately drains our soul.
There’s a reason they do this, but it’s hard to digest. But sometimes, we need the truth because it’s the only thing that can finally set us free.
The sad truth about narcissistic hate
The reason you find yourself the target of a narcissist’s hatred is because they view love as a weakness and therefore it alienates them.
But, at the same time, it allows them to extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply. That’s why they seem to hate you but won’t let you go easily.
The narcissist views you as a weak subordinate; Which provides them with a wonderful supply. So, even though they don’t care much about you as a person, they don’t want to give up the extra benefits that come with being in a relationship with you, even if it’s a torturous one.
They will not let you go because you are providing them with the things they need to survive as a narcissist. These things may consist of money, housekeeping, taking charge of their adult obligations, cleaning up their many messes, staying with them while they go about their business, and providing a convenient vessel for them when they need to vent all their pent-up self. Negative energies and anger at someone.
Therefore, it is not beneficial for you to show your weakness in front of a narcissist, and moreover, why do they seem to hate you more when you show your human feelings.
They want the benefits without damage control. They want you to be calm about everything and go back to the person you were before you discovered who they really were.
That’s why, when you try to make them see how much they hurt you, it makes no sense at all. In fact, during these moments you see the true essence of the narcissistic personality and what terrifies the soul.
However, in your mind, you love them and are attached to them, so you try to humanize them, thinking that they should think and feel the same way you do, but they have a hard time showing it.
This is not the case.
They are not like you and no amount of unconditional love will change that fact. When we insist on believing that the narcissist is like us, we create a story in our mind, writing the script as we go along, believing that with enough love and compassion, we will finally be able to access the wounded narcissistic self.
This will never happen and it is important to accept this painful truth.
Narcissists like to blame others for their bad behavior. In turn, you may respond by being more supportive, understanding, kind, or condescending in an attempt to convince the narcissist to stop his betrayal and cruelty.
Instead, what happens is that patterns of deception and denial are created. This may be to avoid the narcissist’s wrath or keep the peace, proving to the narcissist that you are not the crazy psycho they say you are, but, beneath the surface, it is an emerging enabling system.
Truth is when things seem normal
It is important to understand that when a narcissist is nice, this is part and parcel of the abuse. A reward, so to speak, for sweeping their latest attack under the rug and returning to your accepted self. The person who will smile at them while they continue their normal, unfortunate behaviors as if everything is on the up and up.
Additionally, they realize that if they give you a glimpse of the person they pretended to be when you first met, you will do everything in your power to keep the golden illusion alive—the illusion that things can be the way they once were.
This is how trauma bonds become stronger over time.
If you follow this mirage, you will be like the legendary solitary traveler who thought he had found water in the desert, only to find that he had traveled deeper into an unknown place with nothing around him to support life.
