Have you ever wondered why a narcissist chose you? Of course, you have. It’s a question most survivors grapple with at some point. It’s a natural part of making meaning and trying to make sense of what you’ve endured.

Early in recovery, due to the effects of narcissistic abuse, we tend to frame the question as a negative reflection of ourselves: “How did I end up with someone like this? What’s wrong with me? I thought I was a strong/smart person, but maybe they chose me because I’m actually a pushover/stupid person?” ” etc…

My central goal in this article is to overturn this way of thinking.

In your journey through research or therapy, you may have encountered the view that target people are generally intelligent, attractive, accomplished, and/or powerful people.

But I know you, wonderful one. I know how quickly you dismiss this perspective as a spontaneous effort on behalf of well-wishers to lift the spirits of survivors when they suffer the psychological blows they have suffered at the hands of drugs.

But what if these characteristics are actually closer descriptions of your personality than the narcissist wants to believe?

Not likely, do you think?

I’ll tell you something great, these qualities aren’t just “nice things people say to lift your spirits.” Academic research indicates that these and other highly valued and positive traits are actively sought out by pathological narcissists in intimate relationships. In fact, some go so far as to say that narcissists view themselves as superior/perfect, and are attracted to similar others (Campbell, 1999; Lange, Crusius, & Hagemeier, 2016)…and therefore, you must be fine.

Sure, you may not be perfect, but without a doubt, the reason a narcissist would choose you is because you have a lot going for you.

I realize that accepting the scientific findings that narcissists seek out people with positive traits, at the beginning of recovery, can be very challenging. After all, you have been programmed to believe the opposite through narcissistic abuse.

So my plan is to convince you in a roundabout way. I think recognizing the narcissist’s behavior will be easier at this point than owning your beauty.

In answering “why did the narcissist choose you” and proving that you are golden; We will apply the lens of envy to their behaviors. Because if you don’t have anything that suits you, there shouldn’t be anything to envy, right?

Let’s hurry.

The divided narcissistic self
First, the basics.

Pathological narcissism can arise from developmental disorders in early childhood, in which a coherent self-concept or identity is not fully achieved. Through “splitting,” a split self is created consisting of the true self and the false self (for more on splitting, read From “Soulmate” to Worthless: What Lies Behind the Narcissist’s 180? And How a Narcissist Attracts You: Flying and Catching ).

The true self is rejected, and instead the false self is manufactured to protect the narcissist from what they psychologically cannot allow: that they are just as flawed as the rest of us.

This false self includes traits of superiority, omnipotence, and entitlement. To the pathological narcissist’s mind, by assuming these qualities, the undesirable human characteristics that inevitably reside in all of us are invalidated because good and evil cannot coexist within their scheme.

Aside from their perfection being patently absurd and contrary to the human condition, this false self has one remarkable function.

Do you want to know why?

Because the narcissist’s psychological survival depends on securing external validation by confirming that his mythical perfection is real. Obviously this is fraught with problems, being out of reach and all. And then the set of behavioral patterns that make up their disorder.

MakingMadnessSuccess

To make this madness work, they endlessly chase proof that they are “more than” all others (in the rest of this piece, we will refer to the constellation of narcissistic traits as the need to be “more than” – for more information on read this concept Proof that a Narcissist Abuses You intentionally and will never change).

The thing about being “more than” is that it requires a point of reference. As without comparison to each other, it is not possible to evaluate them as being “more than”.

This is why the narcissist chose you. Social comparison is an integral part of feeding the narc’s ego. And you, gorgeous woman, have been chosen as a reference point for the narcissist.

Pathological envy was the magnet that attracted them to you and started the idealization. However, envy also inevitably leads to devaluation and eventually elimination of the currency.

Recognizing envy while idealizing

The narcissist chose you because he was attracted to your qualities. As with any relationship, whatever is special about you is what attracted them to it

And this is where the parallel with emotionally healthy relationships ends.

For the pathological narcissist, relationships serve a functional purpose as they relate to being “more than.” It is a self-enhancement strategy and “an opportunity to increase a positive self-concept” (Campbell, 1999, p. 1256).

By identifying with you and your unique talents, they reinforce a preferred view of themselves, successfully rejecting that ever-present (initially…) true self.

The thing with the pathological narcissist is that behind the complex internal landscape of smoke and mirrors, there lies emptiness. By abandoning their true self and adopting a false self, they experience emptiness at their core.

As mentioned, the psychological survival of the narcissist depends on the validation of those traits that constitute his false personality. Having denied their true selves, their identity, beyond simply being “more than,” is limited at best.

Therefore, in addition to the rejection of their true selves causing emptiness, it means that through an obsessive need to prove themselves “more than” others, their identity at any given time is largely defined by those they surround themselves with.