Have you ever wondered why a narcissist chose you? Of course, you have. It’s a question most survivors grapple with at some point. It’s a natural part of making meaning and trying to make sense of what you’ve endured.

Early in recovery, due to the effects of narcissistic abuse, we tend to frame the question as a negative reflection of ourselves: “How did I end up with someone like this? What’s wrong with me? I thought I was a strong/smart person, but maybe they chose me because I’m a pushover/stupid person?” ” etc…

My central goal in this article is to overturn this way of thinking.

In your journey through research or therapy, you may have encountered the view that target people are generally intelligent, attractive, accomplished, and/or powerful people.

But I know you, wonderful one. I know how quickly you dismiss this perspective as a spontaneous effort on behalf of well-wishers to lift the spirits of survivors when they suffer the psychological blows they have suffered at the hands of drugs.

But what if these characteristics are actually closer descriptions of your personality than the narcissist wants to believe?

Not likely to think so?

I’ll tell you something great, these qualities aren’t just “nice things people say to lift your spirits.” Academic research indicates that these and other highly valued and positive traits are actively sought out by pathological narcissists in intimate relationships. In fact, some go so far as to say that narcissists view themselves as superior/perfect, and are attracted to similar others (Campbell, 1999; Lange, Crusius, & Hagemeyer, 2016)…and therefore, you must be fine.

Sure, you may not be perfect, but without a doubt, the reason a narcissist would choose you is because you have a lot going for you.

Let us help you find your way to remembering that you have more going for you. In fact, you are a golden child.

I realize that accepting the scientific findings that narcissists seek out people with positive traits, at the beginning of recovery, can be very challenging. After all, you have been programmed to believe the opposite through narcissistic abuse.

So my plan is to convince you in a roundabout way. I think recognizing the narcissist’s behavior will be easier at this point than owning your beauty.

In answering “why did the narcissist choose you” and proving that you are golden; We will apply the lens of envy to their behaviors. Because if you don’t have anything that suits you, there shouldn’t be anything to envy, right?

Let’s hurry.

The divided narcissistic self
First, the basics.

Pathological narcissism can arise from developmental disorders in early childhood, in which a coherent self-concept or identity is not fully achieved. Through “splitting,” a split self is created consisting of the true self and the false self (for more on splitting, read From “Soulmate” to Worthless: What’s Behind the Narcissist’s 180? And How a Narcissist Attracts You: Flying and Catching ).

The true self is rejected, and instead the false self is manufactured to protect the narcissist from what they psychologically cannot allow: that they are just as flawed as the rest of us.

This false self includes traits of superiority, omnipotence, and entitlement. To the pathological narcissist’s mind, by assuming these qualities, the undesirable human characteristics that inevitably reside in all of us are invalidated because good and evil cannot coexist within their scheme.

Aside from their perfection being patently absurd and contrary to the human condition, this false self has one remarkable function.

Do you want to know why?

Because the narcissist’s psychological survival depends on securing external validation by confirming that his mythical perfection is real. Obviously this is fraught with problems, being out of reach and all. And then the set of behavioral patterns that make up their disorder.

MakingMadnessSuccess

To make this madness work, they endlessly chase proof that they are “more than” all others (in the rest of this piece, we will refer to the constellation of narcissistic traits as the need to be “more than” – for more information on read this concept Proof that a Narcissist Abuses You intentionally and will never change).

The thing about being “more than” is that it requires a point of reference. As without comparison to each other, it is not possible to evaluate them as being “more than”.

This is why the narcissist chose you. Social comparison is an integral part of feeding the narc’s ego. And you, gorgeous woman, have been chosen as a reference point for the narcissist.

Pathological envy was the magnet that attracted them to you and started the idealization. However, envy also inevitably leads to devaluation and eventually elimination of the currency.

Here’s how it works.

Recognizing envy while idealizing
Void
The narcissist chose you because he was attracted to your qualities. As with any relationship, whatever is special about you is what attracted them to it.

And this is where the parallel with emotionally healthy relationships ends.

For the pathological narcissist, relationships serve a functional purpose as they relate to being “more than.” It is a self-enhancement strategy and “an opportunity to increase a positive self-concept” (Campbell, 1999, p. 1256).

By identifying with you and your unique talents, they reinforce a preferred view of themselves, successfully rejecting that ever-present (initially…) true self.

The thing with the pathological narcissist is that behind the complex internal landscape of smoke and mirrors, there lies emptiness. By abandoning their true self and adopting a false self, they experience emptiness at their core.

As mentioned, the psychological survival of the narcissist depends on the validation of those traits that constitute his false personality. Having denied their true selves, their identity, beyond simply being “more than,” is limited at best.

Therefore, in addition to the rejection of their true selves causing emptiness, it means that through an obsessive need to prove themselves “more than” others, their identity at any given time is largely defined by those they surround themselves with.

Building identity

In choosing, they are also choosing the next development of their “identity,” since pathological narcissists’ relationships are partly about constructing a desired self (Morf & Rhodewalt, 2001).

Here is the need.

The emptiness they experience and their weak sense of identity are not only due to putting their true selves aside. It’s also about a lack of depth and breadth of emotional range. Whether subconsciously or not, the pathological narcissist sniffs out targets that possess what is absent in them: empathy, compassion, strength, courage, kindness and so on.

And you, my dear heart, I know down to the marrow in my bones, that you have these beautiful qualities in spades.

Sadly, as you no doubt well know, while you are drawn to these traits within yourself, it is never to value them as part of your wonderful self, and for that reason alone.

You were serving the purpose of reflecting to them what they desperately needed to believe about themselves. By blending in with you and reflecting your uniqueness, they have strengthened their fragile belief system and created the identity they desire to have.

Not sure about it?

Think of that frenetic torrent you once heard “We’re twin flames…cut from the same wood…two peas in a pod…soulmates and so on” (for more on love bombing, read The ‘Soulmate Effect’) The Narcissist: How and Why They Do It and Narcissists Love Boundaries: Exposing the Truth).

From their lips to your ears. These were your narc’s attempts to convince you, not only you, but also, how similar you two are.

Relationships as a strategy for self-regulation

What we have just examined through self-enhancement and self-building, is why relationships are strategic for narcissists.

It is a way to organize the chaos inside. As long as the relationship nourishes them with a feeling of “more than,” they are psychologically fine.

Their inner anger is in a gap. They temporarily suppressed the Envy Beast.

Which is why they go to great lengths in needing to “lock you out”. What we are referring to here, of course, is love bombing and idealism.

Acknowledge envy of devaluation and ignore it
When the monster wakes up
So, what happens through this process of social comparison with you as a reference point, when your feeling of being “more than” is compromised?

And when whispers of what lies at the root of their polarized nature creep beyond their denial, envy, which was less conscious during idealization, becomes more apparent…and the monster of envy awakens: “a painful emotion caused by the envier’s lack of another’s quality, of accomplishment or possession” (Lange (Delroy and Crusius, 2018, p. 601).

Initially, your special traits enhanced your self-image. Up until this point, by identifying with you, they have been able to fool themselves into believing that you are “the same.” If you’re excelling, they should be too.

Indefensible inferiority leads to rivalry
But you are not. It never was. It will never be.

And your beauty is so beautiful, that the strength of the narcissist’s denial begins to crack.

Through this process of comparison that is ingrained in their DNA and your beauty, you begin to trigger their feelings of inferiority. Suddenly, feelings of being “less than” are triggered, because the standard you set becomes a threat.

By possessing traits and qualities that they do not possess, you directly jeopardize their self-concept, the false self they cling to. In turn, to combat this, and potentially infect the narcissist through indefensible feelings of inferiority, the narcissist becomes your competitor.

For the narc, this is the great compromise, the only way they know to restore their balance. This, of course, is self-regulation at work again. But this time you are the victim.

gloating
To restore their balance through superiority, you are devalued, invalidated, and abused.

The pathology of the narcissist is that self-enhancement comes at the expense of belittling others. To correct the resulting discomfort, they must reconcile differences (Lange et al., 2016; Zlatan and Gohar, 2012).

Enter schadenfreude: self-regulation through malicious and deliberate sabotage of the target of envy.

It is the pleasure derived from the pain of another. You know that smile you get on their faces every now and then when the mask slips, and they know they’ve hit the jackpot in hurting you?

That’s it. This is gloating.

In other words, bad luck makes them feel better.

Combine rivalry and schadenfreude into a big old pot of toxic narcissistic self-regulation, and what do you get? Hate bombs.

You can get all the invalidation methods you know so well. We’re talking about dominance, belittlement, intimidation, emotional blackmail, gaslighting, smear campaigns, lying, violence, manipulation, isolation, stonewalling, the silent treatment, ghosting, projection, etc. ad infinitum.

There’s not one bit that didn’t resonate, right? ALL this. You have lived it. You have SURVIVED it.

Why did the narcissist choose you?

By recognizing the pathological envy of the narcissist at work while idealizing, devaluing, and ignoring, you must also accept this.

You are not selected at random. Great, they chose you because you are all that. Everything they will never be. And all of that no one on this planet can take from you.

You are absolutely gorgeous. From your generous, warm, kind, loving heart and soul; To your beautiful mind that wanted to believe in the essential goodness of all people.

Don’t give the narcissist another ounce of power to prolong your separation from your true identity. I remember you. I get you back.