You’ve been apart or separated for several months now. You’re ready to heal and move on, but the narcissist has different plans for your future.
No matter what you say or do, they keep coming back into your life. It’s frustrating and confusing—you don’t want them there, but they can’t accept it.
What’s going on, and what should you do? Why won’t a vacuum-obsessed narcissist leave you alone?
UnderstandingNarcissists and Hoovering
Hoovering is a classic manipulation tactic designed to coax you back into a toxic relationship. Like the infamous hoovering vacuum, hoovering seeks to “suck you back in.”
Some hoovering attempts are obvious. Others are more subtle and insidious.
Victims of narcissistic abuse may undergo months or years of hoovering before leaving the relationship for good.
Related : How To Stop Being a Narcissist?
Narcissists who clean themselves are skilled and quick. They know how to pique your interest because they already know your fears and vulnerabilities.
Therefore, they exploit these loopholes to lure you back into their lives.
Why do narcissists clean themselves?
Narcissists clean themselves for many reasons, each of which seeks to fulfill their core needs and desires.
They need constant power and control
Above all, narcissists need to feel important and valued. Their relationship with you reinforces these ideals.
So, the opposite is true. Not having you in their lives feels threatening and unimaginable to them—they need to do everything they can to get back into their natural balance.
Narcissists don’t want you to feel empowered. This poses a huge threat to their psyche. They want you in a submissive role, in a role that adores, appreciates, and validates them.
They Believe They Deserve You
When a narcissist invests in something or someone, they believe they deserve these benefits.
In some ways, they believe you owe them everything they’ve done for you. To convince you of their mistake, they may say things like, I’ve sacrificed so much for you!
Narcissists don’t believe that normal rules apply to them. That’s why they struggle with authority and boundaries.
That’s also why they can’t seem to respect your needs or desires. To them, rules are just suggestions—and if those suggestions don’t fit their mold, they ignore them.
TheySeekPleasureFromTheProcess
If this motivation may seem dysfunctional, that’s because it can be. Many narcissists view people as objects of submission or “challenges to be overcome.” This exchange can feel like a game to them, and they know how to win.
Narcissists share some traits with psychopaths and psychopaths. Extreme narcissists lack any emotional remorse.
Sometimes, they also derive a sense of joy from hurting people. Furthermore, they can justify their behavior—they frame their actions in terms of something they “need” to do.
8 Exploitation Tactics of Narcissists
There are many narcissistic tactics to get you back into their lives. Let’s go over some common examples.
- Showering You With Compliments
But You’re My Soulmate!
Nobody Understands Me Like You!
I’ve Never Felt So Connected to Another Person.
You’re the Only One I’m Meant to Be With!
If any of these compliments sound familiar, recognize them as attempts to win you over with admiration.
Narcissists recognize the universal need to be liked. They exploit this need by expressing how obsessed they are with you.
If you’re going through a breakup, these lines can easily work their magic on you.
They can convince you that you’re special and that this time will be different. Remember, a simple phrase like “But I love you” is one of the easiest things a narcissist will say to get you back.
- Consuming You with Nostalgia
Remember when we first met—I’ll never forget that day?
Do you remember how we felt when we first saw our baby?
Do you remember how much fun we had on that amazing trip last summer?
Nostalgia is a powerful emotion that can lead to increased feelings of optimism, social connection, and physical warmth. Narcissists may play on this emotion to remind you of all the good times you shared together.
A breakup hurts everyone involved. A narcissist knows if you still have conflicting feelings about your relationship.
So, they’ll use nostalgia to reinforce those feelings and increase your feelings of guilt and longing.
- Drowning in Crises
I’m sorry to bother you, but did you hear what happened to my mom?
I just lost my job, and things are tough right now.
I was in a terrible car accident. I just thought I’d let you know.
A narcissist understands that you empathize with their pain. As a result, they may twist situations into full-blown emergencies.
If a real crisis does occur, they’ll come running to you for emotional support and closeness.
This kind of neglect can be painful for loved ones. You don’t want to see the narcissist suffer. You also don’t want to feel guilty for ignoring them.
At the same time, their crises are often faked or exaggerated. Even when they do occur, the narcissist’s response tends to be to over-dramatize them—a way to lure you back.
- Making an Effort to Change
I’m ready to be a parent now. Let’s try to have a baby.
I know I need to work on things. I started therapy last week.
You’re right. We need to move on. You’ve started looking for homes.
Have you and the narcissist had an ongoing conflict with no real resolution? Have you desperately wanted something they never wanted to give you?
If so, “making an effort to change” seems to solve the problem.
When this happens, the narcissist suddenly agrees to compromise. They’re ready to get married! They want to go to therapy! They want to make you happy!
Related : Why Do Narcissists Come Back to Old Relationships?
And of course, you want to believe that they’ve finally seen the light and that the changes will stick.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen. The effort to change doesn’t come from a deep desire for growth or self-improvement. Rather, the changes are meant to please and impress you.
Once you’re back in their life, progress often comes to a screeching halt, and they revert to their usual behavior.
- Downplaying or lying about why they called you
My sister said she saw you driving yesterday. How are you?
Oh! I didn’t realize I was calling you—it was by mistake.
I didn’t mean to like your picture. Sorry about that.
Often, the narcissist doesn’t want to admit how your breakup affected him. This would show weakness, and he’s not willing to reveal it.
Rather than overwhelm you with obvious attempts to get you back, he’ll take a more manipulative approach by “accidentally” forcing you in. However, your response tends to open the floodgates.
- Denying the current reality
I wasn’t thinking straight. We’re still together.
It was just a fight between us.
Honey, it was just a fight. We both said things we didn’t mean.
Sometimes, a narcissist will act as if nothing has changed, as if you’re still happily together.
This denial can come in many forms, such as a surprise letter to you, flowers and a romantic card, or showing up at your house out of the blue.
- Manipulating the Truth
You’re imagining things! We were so happy!
That wasn’t what I meant. You’re twisting my words.
Now I can’t call you to see how you’re doing? Oh my god, you’re so sensitive.
Manipulating the truth goes hand in hand with many of the narcissists’ manipulation tactics. Emotional manipulation is an attempt to manipulate your reality—the narcissist is trying to invalidate your thoughts, feelings, memory, and overall sanity.
Emotional manipulation can be incredibly blatant, which means you know when it’s happening.
However, at other times, it can be downright confusing.
For example, just kidding, it can make you wonder if you’re really overreacting. Something as simple as something I never said can make you wonder if you misheard what they said.
- Emotional Manipulation by Proxy
You both seemed so good.
I know he really misses you. They’ve been a mess since your breakup.
You know he would never want to hurt you.
Emotional Manipulation by Proxy occurs when the narcissist uses someone else to do their dirty work.
Instead of reaching out to you directly, they rely on other people to express their needs. Proxy cleaners may include friends or family—and sometimes, they may even be people who seem to be on your side!
Narcissists choose these individuals very carefully. They choose people whose behavior charms them or impresses them, too.
As a result, these people want to take care of the narcissist. They want to help them feel better.
How long will a narcissist keep vacuuming?
Narcissists will keep vacuuming as long as they feel able to do so.
Some narcissists will repeat their destructive cycle until you get back together or break up completely.
Vacuuming is on their terms—they set the rules of the game, and they expect you to participate.
Sometimes, it may seem like they’ve stopped vacuuming. But despite the long periods of silence, they almost always return.
In fact, they often extend the periods of silence after each vacuuming episode—just to keep you on your toes.
Narcissists don’t want you to walk away from the relationship or the pain they’ve caused. They intend to keep you thinking about them—even if those thoughts are negative.
They’re wired to want attention from others. Without attention, they often feel completely empty.
If you want to end a relationship, cutting all ties tends to be the only effective approach.
Narcissists often take any opportunity to clean up. They typically prey on weak energy, and they can detect inconsistency if you spot any signs of it.
How to Respond to a Cleaning Narcissist?
The best response is no response.
If you break up (and you want to stay that way), the narcissist would rather you attack or threaten them than nothing.
Narcissists thrive on attention, and don’t differentiate between positive and negative attention.
Again, cleaning up is all about “sucking you back in.” These tactics are designed to provoke you into responding—even if you have no desire to talk to them.
Don’t answer the phone. Don’t respond to texts. Block them on social media. Ignore the narcissist’s vacuum cleaner and ignore any efforts they make to get you back into their life.
If you remain completely consistent with your approach, most narcissists will have no choice but to stop.
The commitment to continuing to reject the narcissistic vacuum cleaner is their greatest fear.
However, it’s important to note that some narcissists may resort to dangerous tactics, such as stalking or abusing others, to get your attention.
If you ever feel physically unsafe, contact law enforcement and consider reaching out to an attorney. You may need additional legal and practical protection.
This is an especially important point to consider if the narcissist has physically or sexually abused you in the past.
FinalThoughts
Vacuuming is a common strategy narcissists use to regain their sense of power and control in a relationship.
Narcissists struggle to let anyone else make decisions for them. That’s why they keep vacuuming—they haven’t decided the relationship is over.
In their minds, the relationship ends when they want it to. And even then, they still want to have access to you in their daily lives.
