Key Points

Because of their highly reactive traits and tendencies, narcissists need strong defenses to protect their fragile egos from anxiety and depression.

The dilemma for narcissists is that instead of developing their courage and self-confidence, they disproportionately “grow” their defense mechanisms.

Narcissists demand loyalty from those around them because, if successfully challenged, they will be exposed in a humiliating way.

Although the DSM-5 does not specify types of narcissism, some experts and researchers have identified six types. One of these is called the vulnerable (or covert) narcissist. However, all narcissists are vulnerable in the sense that they have the most sensitive ego. This in turn makes them stubbornly resistant to revealing their vulnerability to others.

Ironically, they feel so vulnerable that they do not acknowledge it.

Here are some of the characteristics found in almost all narcissists. Clearly, given these negative traits and tendencies, they need strong defenses to protect themselves from the anxiety and depression that comes from “exposing” their vulnerable, easily threatened selves in public.

They are highly sensitive and resistant to criticism because if they take it seriously, they will have to confront their own chronic and very painful self-doubt.

They are prone to blaming and insulting others – because, although they do not realize it, adopting this aggressive stance makes them feel much better than having to blame and insult themselves – which is what they probably did as insecure children when they received, or thought they received, messages from caregivers questioning their basic acceptability.
Likewise, they are highly prone to anger, even outrage – because this is their predominant defense when someone else’s criticism or a different viewpoint threatens their fragile positive self-image.

They crave attention, validation, admiration, adoration, obedience, respect – the list goes on, because again, growing up, they felt either ignored or uncared for; or – though less likely – the exact opposite, having been showered with indiscriminate praise, perhaps because their parents were also narcissists and therefore viewed their children as extensions of their “entitled” selves. With this “privileged” background, these individuals cannot help but grow to believe that they deserve special treatment – ​​that they are placed on an exceptionally high pedestal.

They seek power, status, wealth, sexual dominance, and prestigious relationships by demonstrating their perceived superiority over others.

However, despite the vast literature on narcissistic personality disorder, I have yet to find any that focuses on demanding loyalty from others, particularly as it relates to how to protect their anxiety-ridden vulnerabilities.

WhenBraveryMasksAsBravery

Whether we are narcissists or not, it is natural for us to want to think well of ourselves and care about how others see us. So, even though we are not aware of it, almost all of us develop defenses designed to protect us from unfavorable criticism.

Unless we reach a point of unconditional self-acceptance, which would make us less susceptible to the judgment of others, we may succumb to the temptation to withhold information, hide feelings, brag or exaggerate our abilities, hide past failures and rejections—or, anxiously, demand loyalty from others.

In short, we need to be confident that others will support us unwaveringly—regardless of whether we are right or wrong.

Yet, assuming we are free of most narcissistic traits, we are still more open and honest than narcissists allow themselves to be. We can allow ourselves to be vulnerable and reveal that vulnerability in ways that narcissists feel compelled to avoid. Because to offer evidence of their vulnerability without reservation would be intolerable to them—a fatal sign of weakness.

What dictates their almost immediate escape from vulnerability is pervasive anxiety, which is generally unrecognizable to them but never burrows beneath the surface. Routinely following the principle of “the best defense is a good offense,” this attack usually manifests itself in explosive anger, which largely masks their underlying anxiety whenever they feel their fragile ego is being besieged.

It should be added that the intentions of others may be innocent enough. Their motivation may simply be to offer constructive feedback or to humbly express their hurt feelings caused by the narcissist’s gross disregard or disrespect.

However, such assertions are usually enough to unconsciously activate the narcissist’s defenses against past fears associated with family neglect, expulsion, abandonment, or ostracism.

The fearful, insecure child inside them was originally defenseless, without the emotional or intellectual resources to soothe or validate themselves. Unfortunately, these children have become desperate to protect their shaken egos by delegitimizing anything they feel is hostile toward them.

Essentially, the dilemma of these children is that instead of developing their courage and self-confidence through personal and interpersonal risk-taking, narcissistic personalities disproportionately “grow” their defense mechanisms. However, they mistakenly decide that the most beneficial way to feel good about themselves is to routinely and relentlessly denigrate others.

Instead of pursuing meaningful accomplishments and genuinely intimate relationships that can effectively resolve their self-doubt, they choose instead to focus their attention on fostering a false sense of superiority over everyone else. This is what unfortunately stunts their growth—individually, socially, and morally.

These individuals may look like other adults, and in many cases, they act like them. But at heart, they remain irritable, self-defensive teenagers.

My previous article detailed their unfortunate inability to accept and learn from criticism. However, their numbing rage of anxiety and anger prevents them from re-experiencing the painful feelings of emotional and mental pain buried deep within them. Again, their outward display of strength, despite its threatening appearance, actually conceals a general weakness of character.

Writers sometimes note a basic cowardice in narcissists. Indeed, the inflated ego (compared to the truly strong ego) cannot admit, either to themselves or to others, their various mistakes and misdeeds. They simply cannot do so and still feel good about themselves.

The irony here is that these fears, which are completely governed by hidden fears, actually serve to “regulate” their behavior—even though many research studies have rightly concluded that they are emotionally dysregulated.

While another earlier post touches on something universal in all of us, it perfectly describes the true strength that is so noticeably absent from narcissists. Here’s a marriage-oriented quote from the relevant post:

Betraying the extent of our dependence on our spouse (with all the vulnerability that such dependence entails) is likely to only exacerbate our deepest fears that we are not being adequately cared for—or that we are not even worthy of being cared for. . . .

Along with our fears, most of us also feel a certain shame about revealing our dependence. After all, as adults, independence and self-reliance are almost always seen as virtues, while the mere suggestion of neediness is generally associated with weakness.

Narcissists don’t dare to reveal their neediness, which is why their basic dependency needs that have gone unmet in the past cannot be addressed. Anything like happiness, joy, and contentment (at least without professional intervention) eludes them forever.

So, going back to the beginning of this post, the main reason why narcissists demand—and should demand—loyalty from their mates and followers is that if their alleged power and control are successfully challenged, their “pretended power” will finally be exposed in a humiliating way.