Key Points

People who are high in narcissism may imagine that they deserve better partners than the ones they have.

New research on couples in long-term relationships has shown how both forms of narcissism predict attitudes toward infidelity.

While it’s not easy, reassuring a vulnerable narcissist that you love them can help prevent them from straying.

Whether you’re currently in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, know someone who is, or have been in one at some point in the past, you’re likely aware of their belief that they’re superior to their partner. As annoying as this behavior can be on a day-to-day basis, something even more sinister is also lurking in the narcissist’s attitudes toward relationships.

A “grandiose” narcissist displays the so-called trait of believing not only that they’re better than everyone else, but also that they deserve better than their partner. They’ll stick with their partner but keep a roving eye out for whether they can find a better match. Similarly, a “vulnerable” narcissist, whose constant need for attention stems from a deep sense of inadequacy, may wander outside the relationship to gain evidence that he or she is, in fact, a desirable romantic partner.

The Narcissist and His or Her Partner

While these analyses may make sense, surprisingly little research exists to provide an empirical basis for understanding narcissists’ attitudes toward infidelity. As Ateret Gwertz-Meidan and her colleagues at the University of Haifa (2023) note, the previous evidence that exists is based on college students in dating relationships, who were tested not as couples but as individuals. Because infidelity among couples in long-term relationships is not very similar to the infidelity you might see among college students who have not gone beyond the dating stage, Israeli researchers believe this question requires a different approach to investigation.

Using couples rather than individuals as the basis for assessing the link between narcissism and infidelity means that it is possible to trace the link between a partner’s perceptions of his or her personality versus his or her narcissistic traits as factors contributing to the tendency to play around with the idea of ​​finding love elsewhere. Indeed, the authors, based on their study of Israeli couples, note that testing their predictions should be particularly compelling because in this culture “adultery may be viewed as a major breach of trust and social norms” (p. 3). The external pressures placed on couples to remain faithful to each other, regardless of what their personalities may lead them to want to do, put a more rigorous test on the role of narcissism in infidelity, if not in reality, then in fantasy.

Testing the Link Between Narcissism and Infidelity

Because the act of infidelity was less likely than the idea of ​​infidelity, rather than counting acts of infidelity as a measure of it, the Haifa University authors asked participants to rate themselves on their attitudes toward their partners’ infidelity. Another good reason for taking this approach is based on the “theory of planned behavior.” This is a well-established approach in social psychology that holds that people who hold certain attitudes are more likely to behave in ways consistent with those attitudes. Looking at it from another perspective, if you’re completely averse to the idea of ​​cheating, you’re less likely to act unfaithfully at all.

Related : Sons of Narcissistic Mothers

To test the bivariate associations between the two types of narcissism and attitudes toward infidelity, the authors recruited 135 heterosexual couples who had been married for at least three years and had at least one child. Their average age was 30 and they’d been married for an average of seven years. More than half described themselves as secular (all were Jewish), were relatively well-educated, and most were employed or had some academic training. These demographics should be taken into account when interpreting the results, although the fact that they were parents in committed, long-term relationships sets them apart from the typical college student who has participated in previous studies on the topic.

The narcissism scales included measures of both types: grandiosity, with items such as “I often fantasize about doing heroic things,” and vulnerability, with items such as “I often feel ashamed of what I want to do.” Examples of infidelity attitude items include “Unfaithfulness never hurts anyone” and “I would have an affair if I knew my partner would never find out.”

Taking advantage of the binary nature of the data, the authors developed a model in which the wife’s levels of both types of narcissism were used to predict her and her husband’s attitudes toward infidelity, and vice versa for husbands. Gender was considered an important predictor variable since men have been found in previous research to have more positive attitudes toward infidelity than women.

The results supported the prediction of an “actor” effect for women high in grandiose narcissism, meaning that women who scored high on this personality measure were more likely to cheat. However, the predictive effect of vulnerable narcissism was stronger for women. In addition, both men and women high in vulnerable narcissism reported being more likely to think about cheating. As the authors concluded, “Whenever an individual high in vulnerable narcissism feels that his or her self-image is threatened by not receiving the affirmation and attention he or she needs from his or her partner, anxiety elicits defensive and retaliatory thinking… {leading to) positive thinking about cheating” (p. 7). Men showed no effect of grandiose narcissism on attitudes toward cheating. In answering the question of whether narcissists tend to view cheating as a reasonable option, the results highlight the subtle difference between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism types. Women who are high in grandiosity are more likely than men to feel they “deserve” a sexual relationship with someone other than their partner. Vulnerable narcissists are more likely to seek emotional reassurance outside the relationship but also to have a male partner who views infidelity more positively. In contrast, men who are high in vulnerable narcissism do not appear to show a parallel effect on their wives’ attitudes toward infidelity.

An additional interesting and counterintuitive finding that emerged is the path from men’s grandiosity to their wives’ attitudes toward infidelity. Women whose husbands were high in grandiosity were less likely to think about infidelity, suggesting that women who are in relationships with men who are high in grandiosity may feel they must quash any thoughts of deviance. Their partners may dominate or manipulate them to the point that they feel they do not dare imagine having sex with someone else.

Is Your Narcissistic Partner Cheating on You or Not?

The dichotomy between grandiose narcissism and poor outcomes suggests that the partner you should be worried about in a relationship is the one whose self-esteem rests on a shaky foundation. This is the partner whose need for validation means that your love and reassurance will never be enough for him or her. If you’re a woman in a relationship with a grandiose narcissist, you may also feel like you have to hold on for dear life, or he or she will leave you.

The Israeli authors believe that identifying narcissism as a potential contributor to infidelity in couples has important implications for couples in therapy. However, if you’re not in couples therapy but suspect that your partner is always on the verge of cheating (or has already done so), you now know that his or her feelings have nothing to do with you. Instead of feeling like you’ll never be good enough for your partner, you can understand that his or her specific narcissistic needs are what drives him or her, if not his or her behavior, then his or her attitudes. Being “there” for them, even when their narcissism starts to affect you, should over time allow them to feel not only that you are good enough for them but that they are good enough for you.

In short, couples’ personality traits can be important indicators of the path their relationship is taking. Recognizing that each partner in a relationship has specific needs for validation can be an important step in ensuring that both partners stay on the same path.