Key Points
A narcissist may expel bad behavior from their memory using an unconscious defense mechanism: splitting.
Splitting is a defense mechanism similar to denial and distortion but closely related to dissociation.
When a narcissist uses splitting to expunge bad behavior from their memory, it may be illusory amnesia.
About the narcissist, the term splitting has two different connotations.
The first describes the narcissist’s tendency to see themselves as honorable at all times. If you disagree with this perspective, the narcissist essentially sees you as “bad.” Your resistance to subscribing to their “sacred” view of themselves may fuel a vicious attack on your character behind the scenes.
The second type of splitting involves the narcissist unconsciously separating a part of their experience from their conscious mind. This type of splitting is casually referred to as “illusory amnesia.”
Delusional amnesia is similar to the unconscious defense mechanisms of distortion and denial, but it is very similar to dissociation. However, there is one important difference. Delusional amnesia involves the narcissist erasing his or her bad behavior from consciousness, as opposed to someone who unconsciously dissociates from the reality of a traumatic experience to protect their psyche (dissociation). For example, a bank teller is held at gunpoint by a robber. The life-threatening event is emotionally more than they can bear. To survive the terrifying encounter, an unconscious defense mechanism, dissociation, may kick in to keep the teller’s body functioning but allow parts of his or her mind to briefly escape. After surviving the assault, he or she may not remember aspects of the experience. Eventually, these memories may be retrieved, but it takes time.
Conversely, a narcissist may push anything out of his head that challenges his idea of who he is. For example, you and your partner are alone in the living room one evening. You offer an opinion about why your child is having an anxiety attack, but you are ignored. Your partner mutters, “Taylor is fine. You’re overdoing everything. Stop being a snowplow parent. This is disgusting.”
Upset and angry that she is dismissing and mocking your perspective, you confront her and ask her to consider your perspective. In response, she pushes the dog away, jumps out of the chair, pushes you, and runs across the room to the bedroom, kicking toys to the floor.
The next morning, you approach her, concerned about her physically aggressive behavior, and say, “What are you talking about? I didn’t touch the dog, or you! You’re crazy. You’re making this stuff up in your head.”
At this point, you’re shocked, stunned, and deeply confused. You’ve witnessed your partner behaving aggressively with your own eyes. Later that day, you may try to approach the subject again, but your partner’s response is even more forceful. “I didn’t do anything like that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re crazy. You’re deceiving me!”
It’s strange to be in a relationship with someone who easily forgets their mistakes and wholeheartedly believes in their self-deception. You often feel like you’re the one being delusional. This may be precisely why it’s important to consider the narcissist’s unconscious defense mechanisms.
Why? Because the breakup allows them to do whatever they want to whomever they want and they rarely take personal responsibility. A person like this may be fundamentally insecure. They may excise the abusive behavior from their mind and continue to abuse because they don’t believe they did it the first time.
Without conscious recollection of the event, it may be impossible for a person to take responsibility, experience true remorse, gain insight, and modify their maladaptive behavior.
Additionally, while they vehemently deny any wrongdoing, they may also play the victim and downplay the incident, which can be very confusing as well. For example, the next day, they recall the interaction from the night before and claim that they had a bad day and were not feeling well, so that was the reason for the negative interaction.
They still don’t remember throwing, pushing, or kicking things, and they insinuate that you’re making that part up, but they acknowledge that the exchange wasn’t great, and they subtly excuse and justify their role in it.
Instead, a responsible and empathetic partner might say, “What I did was unacceptable. I must have scared you, and that’s not okay. I’m sorry. I’m going to see a counselor today.” These types of people recognize and own their actions and understand how they make you feel. They may try to repair any damage they caused in the relationship, and make a concerted effort to change and grow so that they don’t repeat the same mistake.
If you’re with a partner who has delusional amnesia, it may be important to assess how safe the relationship is. Do your loved ones automatically forget their destructive behaviors?
If so, they may be able to continually and intentionally hurt you. Convenient amnesia can free them from accountability, remorse, empathy, and constant growth and change. Unfortunately, this may indicate that it is time to consider an exit strategy.
