the main points
The narcissist may expel bad behavior from his memory using an unconscious defense mechanism: splitting.
Cleavage is a defense mechanism similar to denial and distortion but more closely related to dissociation.
When a narcissist uses splitting to eradicate bad behavior from his or her memory, it may be delusional amnesia.
In reference to the narcissist, the term split has two different connotations.
The first describes the tendency of narcissists to consider themselves honorable at all times. If you do not agree with this perspective, you will be viewed as essentially “bad” by the narcissist. Your resistance to subscribing to their “sacred” view of themselves may lead to a vicious attack on your character behind the scenes.
The second type of split involves the narcissist unconsciously separating part of his experience from his conscious mind. This type of split is referred to as “delusional amnesia.”
Delusional amnesia is similar to distortion of unconscious defense mechanisms and denial, but it is more similar to dissociation. However, there is one important difference. Delusional amnesia involves the narcissist erasing his or her bad behavior from consciousness, unlike a person who unconsciously detaches from the reality of a traumatic experience to protect their psyche (dissociation).
For example, a bank teller is held at gunpoint by a robber. A life-threatening event, emotionally, is something that cannot be endured. In order to survive the terrifying encounter, an unconscious defense mechanism, called dissociation, may operate to keep the narrator’s body functioning but briefly allow parts of his mind to escape. After surviving the assault, they may not remember aspects of the experience. Eventually, these memories may be retrieved but it takes time.
Conversely, the narcissist may push anything out of his head that challenges his idea of his identity. For example, you and your partner are alone in the living room one evening. You offer an opinion about why your child is having an anxiety attack, but you are ignored. “Taylor’s fine,” your partner mutters, “You’re blowing everything out of proportion. Stop being a snowplow parent. It’s disgusting.”
Annoyed and angry that she is dismissing and making fun of your point of view, you confront her and ask her to consider your point of view. In response, she pushes the dog away, jumps out of the chair, nudges you, storms off toward the bedroom, and kicks toys on the floor.
The next morning, she approached her concerned about their physically aggressive behavior and said, “What are you talking about? I didn’t touch the dog or you! You’re crazy. You’re making this stuff up in your head.”
At this point, you are shocked, stunned, and completely confused. You have witnessed with your own eyes how your partner behaves aggressively. Later that day, you may try to broach the topic again, but your partner’s response is more forceful. “I didn’t do any of that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re crazy. You’re gaslighting me!”
It’s a strange thing to be in a relationship with someone who easily forgets his mistakes and wholeheartedly engages in self-deception. Often you feel like you are the delusional person. This may be exactly why the narcissist’s unconscious defense mechanisms need to be considered.
Why? Because division allows them to do what they want to whomever they want and they are rarely personally accountable. Someone like this might be fundamentally insecure. They can root the abusive behavior out of their minds and continue to offend because they don’t believe they did it the first time.
Without conscious recollection of the event, it may be impossible for the person to be accountable, feel true remorse, gain insight, and modify maladaptive behavior.
In addition, while they vehemently deny that they did anything wrong, they may simultaneously play the victim and downplay the incident, which can also be very confusing. For example, the next day, she brings up the reaction from the night before and claims she had a bad day and didn’t feel well, which is the reason for the negative reaction.
She still can’t remember throwing things, pushing or kicking them, or implying that you’re making up the part, but they admit the exchange wasn’t great, and subtly justify their part in it.
Alternatively, a responsible, empathetic partner might say, “What I did was unacceptable. I must have scared you and that’s not okay. I’m sorry. I’m going to find a counselor today.” This type of person recognizes and owns their actions and understands how they made you feel. They may try to repair any damage they have caused in the relationship, and make a concerted effort to change and evolve so as not to repeat the same mistake.
If you are with a partner who is experiencing delusional amnesia, it may be important to evaluate the health of the relationship. Do your loved ones automatically “forget” their destructive behaviors?
If the answer is yes, then they may be able to harm you continuously and deliberately. Their convenient lapse in memory can free them from accountability, remorse, empathy, and lasting growth and change. Unfortunately, this may indicate that it is time to consider an exit strategy.
