Narcissists can be charming, charismatic, seductive, sexy, and charming. They can also be arrogant, manipulative, conceited, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, annoying, cruel, and vindictive. You can fall in love with their charming side and be destroyed by their dark side. It can be confusing, but it all makes sense when you understand what drives them. This awareness protects you from their games, lies, and manipulation.

Narcissists have a disabled or underdeveloped self. They think and act differently from others. They act the way they do because of the way their brains are wired, whether by nature or nurture. The severity of narcissism varies. Some people experience more severe symptoms, while other narcissists experience fewer and milder symptoms. Therefore, the following discussion may not apply to all narcissists to the same degree.

NarcissisticVulnerability

Despite their seemingly strong personalities, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are extremely vulnerable. Psychotherapists consider them “fragile.” They experience profound alienation, emptiness, helplessness, and a lack of meaning. Because of their extreme vulnerability, they crave power and must carefully control their environment, the people around them, and their emotions. Showing vulnerable emotions, such as fear, shame, or sadness, are intolerable signs of weakness in themselves and others. Their defense system, discussed below, protects them but harms others. When they feel insecure, they become more malicious and the impact of their actions is insignificant.

Narcissistic Shame

Underneath their façade lies toxic shame, which may be unconscious. Shame makes narcissists feel insecure and inadequate—feelings of weakness that they must deny to themselves and others. This is one reason why they are unable to tolerate criticism, responsibility, opposition, or negative feedback, even when it is meant to be constructive. Instead, they demand unconditional, positive respect from others.

Arrogance

To compensate for their feelings of inferiority, they maintain an attitude of superiority. They are often arrogant, critical, and contemptuous of other people, including entire groups they consider inferior, such as immigrants, racial minorities, lower economic class, or less educated people. Like bullies, they belittle others to elevate themselves.

Grandiosity

Their hidden shame explains their boasting and self-aggrandizement. They try to convince themselves and others that they are superior, that they are uniquely special, that they are the best, the smartest, the richest, the most attractive, and the most talented. This is also why narcissists are drawn to celebrities, high-status people, schools, organizations, and other institutions. Being around the best convinces them that they are better than others, while internally, they are not so sure.

Entitlement

Narcissists feel entitled to get what they want from others regardless of their behavior. Their sense of entitlement masks their inner shame and insecurity. They convince themselves that they are superior and that they deserve special treatment. For example, their time is more valuable than others, and they should not wait in line like the masses. There is no limit to what they can expect from others. Personal relationships are a one-way street because others are considered inferior and not separate from them (see below). They will try to manipulate you to get their way, but they do not recognize their behavior as hypocrisy, because they feel superior and special. Other people’s rules do not apply to them.

Lack of Empathy

Narcissists’ ability to respond emotionally and express appropriate care and concern is severely impaired. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists lack empathy. They are “unwilling to recognize or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others.” (APA, 2013) Research shows that they have structural abnormalities in areas of the brain associated with emotional empathy. (See “How to Tell if a Narcissist Likes You.”)

Related : 3 Ways to Lessen Your Appeal to Narcissists

They may claim to love you, but you must determine whether you feel loved by the way they treat you. True love requires empathy, compassion, and a deep knowledge of the person we care about. We take an active interest in that person’s life and growth. We try to understand their experience and worldview even though it may differ from our own. If you haven’t experienced such true love or it’s been mixed with abuse, you may not appreciate true love and expect to be treated any better. Without empathy, narcissists can be selfish, hurtful, and cold when it doesn’t serve them to be charming or helpful. For them, relationships are transactional. Rather than responding to feelings, they are interested in getting their needs met—sometimes, even if that means exploiting others, cheating, lying, or breaking the law. Although they may feel excited and passionate in the early stages of a romance, this is not love. They are known for playing games, including love bombing and manipulation. Sacrificing for a loved one is not in their playbook. Their lack of empathy makes them accustomed to the pain they cause others, while their cognitive and emotional intelligence gives them an advantage in using manipulative tactics to exploit others to meet their needs.

Emptiness

Narcissists lack a positive emotional connection to themselves, making it difficult for them to connect emotionally with others. Their underdeveloped self and deficient inner resources require them to rely on others to validate them. Instead of trust, they fear being unwanted. They can only admire themselves as they are reflected in the eyes of others. Thus, despite their bragging and self-flattery, they crave constant attention and admiration.

Since their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, they try to control what others think to feel better about themselves. They use relationships to enhance themselves and provide them with a “narcissistic supply.” However, because of their inner emptiness, they are never satisfied. No matter how much you do for them, it is never enough to fill their emptiness. Like vampires who have died from within, narcissists exploit and drain those around them.

NoBoundaries

The mythical Narcissus fell in love with his image, as reflected in a pool of water. At first, he did not realize that it was him. This metaphorically describes narcissists. The narcissist’s inner emptiness, shyness, and undeveloped self make them uncertain about their boundaries. They do not experience other people as separate individuals, but rather as two-dimensional extensions of themselves, without feelings, because narcissists are incapable of empathy. Other people exist only to meet their needs. This explains why narcissists are selfish and unaware of their impact on others, even when they are being cruel.

Narcissistic Defenses

The defense mechanisms that narcissists use to protect their vulnerabilities are what make relationships with narcissists so difficult. Common defenses they use include arrogance, contempt, denial, projection, aggression, and envy.

Arrogance and Contempt

These defenses inflate the narcissist’s ego with an air of superiority to protect against unconscious feelings of inadequacy. They also transmit shame by projecting inferiority onto others.

Denial

Denial distorts reality so that narcissists can live in an inflated bubble of their fantasy world to protect their fragile ego. They distort, rationalize, twist, and deceive themselves to avoid anything that might cause a chink in their armor, which is so thick that some narcissists cannot penetrate any amount of evidence or argument.

Projection and Blame

This defense allows for the denial of unacceptable feelings, thoughts, or traits and mentally or verbally attributing them to someone else. They use many subtle tactics to control you so that you stay awake. Blame and projection are key. They shift responsibility so that the narcissist is not to blame. This defense serves the same function as denial.

Projection is an unconscious process where narcissists do not have to experience anything negative about themselves but see it externally. These traits are projected onto another person or group of people instead. You become the selfish, weak, unlovable, or worthless person. Projection is very insane and damages the self-esteem of those close to the narcissist, especially children.

Aggression

Aggression is used to create safety by pushing people away. Narcissists see the world as hostile and threatening, and they move against people aggressively, both verbally and behaviorally. This can lead to narcissistic abuse. Vengeful narcissists retaliate to reverse feelings of humiliation and restore their pride by defeating their abuser. Learn how to identify the abuser profile, narcissistic abuse, and how to deal with abuse.

Envy

Narcissists have to be “the best.” They can’t enjoy someone else’s success. If someone else has what they want, it makes them feel inferior. Life is a zero-sum game. Competitive narcissists not only envy people who have what they want, but they may react retaliatoryly to bring them down, especially if they feel threatened. Narcissists are often envious and competitive with their children.