Infantilizing adults, or treating them like children, creates a vicious cycle of dependence where adults constantly need to be told what to do and how to do it. The negative effects of infantilizing older adults, such as when younger healthcare workers call them “cute” or “sweetie,” are well documented to involve accelerated loss of performance. Infantilizing adults also creates resentment in the target. You probably know this feeling well if you’ve ever been treated condescendingly by someone younger than you, if not in a medical setting, then perhaps in a store. “Let me show you this, honey,” would be an example. In addition to feeling inadequate, you may also feel insulted and resentful. Even in children, infantilizing adults can have negative consequences. Imagine that you have a young daughter who has just learned to tie her sneakers. She certainly takes longer to do it than you do. But you’re in a hurry to get her out the door, so you keep tying her shoelaces in the morning just to save those precious moments. By taking on this task that she is now capable of completing on her own, you are diminishing her sense of independence, even though you are doing it for a legitimate reason. Eventually, with enough practice when you are not in a rush, she will become adept at tying her shoelaces, and this will no longer be an issue. Now that you have imagined this scenario, think about what happens with parents who are high in narcissism. They need their children to remain dependent on them long after their childhood days are over so that they can continue to feel important in their lives. New research by Nathan Weiner and Bonnie Nicholson of the University of Southern Mississippi (2018) explores the role of over-parenting, popularly known as “helicopter parenting,” and its effects on young people. This popular term is a bit misleading because it assumes that all parents with young children are constantly monitoring their children to see what they are doing. Aside from the overgeneralization factor, over-monitoring is not the problem. Rather, over-childcare involves continuing to treat children as children, and so it seems more accurate to consider it treating children as children.
According to Weiner and Nicholson, overparenting involves “excessive intrusion and intrusiveness,” along with “warmth and responsiveness.” The authors argue that overparenting parents can “hinder the proper development of young people’s independence” (p. 3650). Unfortunately, the term “overparent” has become so widespread that all millennial parents (those born in the late 20th century in particular) are now considered to possess these traits, creating an entire generation of self-obsessed, selfie-taking narcissists. We know this is not true. Some millennials are narcissists, but so are members of every generation. Rather than lamenting the prevalence of overparenting by an entire generation of narcissistic parents, it is more accurate to view narcissistic parenting as a function of a trait that varies from one individual to another. Moreover, its harmful effects may be best thought of as a restriction of a child’s autonomy through the need to maintain parental dependence, which in turn makes the individual less capable of living an adult life. Indeed, the research by Weiner and Nicholson is based on a description of overparenting as “an overly attentive parenting pattern seen among parents of young children, in which parents display high levels of warmth and involvement in situations where children do not need help or reassurance.” They go on to say that its most harmful effects are “the most disruptive to the psychological development of young children” (p. 3651). The researchers in South Mississippi believe that the excessive control involved in overparenting is at the core of the difficulties that children of narcissistic parents may face. Weiner and Nicholson define “psychological parental control” as emotional interference, not simply attempts to limit a child’s ability to become an adult. Using a sample of 380 young college students (79% female), the authors measured overparenting by asking participants to report on their perceptions of the parenting they received, as well as their levels of narcissism. Unfortunately, because it was the children who responded, not their parents, it was not possible to determine their parents’ levels of narcissism.
Undergraduates in the study reported overparenting using a measure of overparenting (e.g., “My father solves any problems or crises I may have”) and a measure of psychological control (e.g., “My father is someone who brings up my past mistakes when he criticizes me”). Students reported their levels of narcissism using a standard personality inventory that assesses both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. All analyses were correlational, a fact that should be taken into account when interpreting the results, along with the fact that none of the parents were assessed.
Moving on to the results, these associations were fed through a statistical model that allowed Weiner and Nicholson to gain some insight into the likely direction of the relationship between parental behavior and child narcissism. In this model, PPC scores were indeed shown to influence the relationship between overparenting and child narcissism, and slightly more so for vulnerable narcissism than for grandiose narcissism. In other words, children whose narcissism reflected an attempt to cope with feelings of vulnerability and inadequacy were more likely to be exposed to overly intrusive parents who tried to control them. However, the statistical results led the authors to emphasize that they found general support for the relationship between overparenting and narcissism and not just for the effect of parenting style on vulnerable narcissism.
As the authors conclude, “Parents’ over-involvement in their children’s lives appears to be linked to the development of narcissistic traits” (p. 3655). Again, we don’t know what their parents were like in reality, but the existence of this relationship suggests how narcissism can be passed down from generation to generation. Parents who dig deep into their children’s emotional lives will produce children who may in turn feel that this is the best way to raise a child. Winner and Nicholson’s study highlights one step in this process: children’s memories of how their parents treated them. It’s also important to note that, as the authors point out, these controlling parents use a great deal of warmth and affection as they pamper their children and give them everything, or more, they need. In the process, their children feel that they will be loved if they comply with their parents’ wishes, which erodes their sense of independence.
