Why does narcissistic abuse often affect us differently than other traumatic events?
It goes without saying that all traumatic events have a profound and life-changing impact. They set us down emotionally, threaten our sense of security about life, and often force us to make serious changes in the way we live.
Consider burglaries, car accidents, and earthquakes. Stealing happens because someone needs the money and thinks you have it. Car accidents (when you’re not mistaken), like natural disasters, are random, seemingly meaningless events that can be just as devastating as robbery accidents, if not more so, as they can result in permanent bodily injury or destruction of your dearest. Property.
Obviously, any of these three events can cause permanent emotional scars, but they are all in a different category than narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse looks different. It has harmful effects on a different psychological level. It’s not just a psychological injury, it’s a spiritual injury.
The main reasons for this are that narcissistic abuse is intentionally perpetrated by someone you love and targets you for who you are, your core. It is a calculated, long-term campaign to make you feel unworthy and despise yourself, and to make you believe that others view you in the same light.
Stealing depends on whichever person passes by who has a purse or purse. Car crashes happen because no one cares, a tire blows out, or bad weather. Earthquakes are just random natural events. Thefts, car accidents, and earthquakes can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time…but it has nothing to do with the kind of person you are.
On the other hand, narcissistic abuse is calculated to focus like a laser beam on this dimension of yourself. The narcissistic abuser wants you to believe that no one cares about you, that no one should care about you, because, as a person, you are not likable, you have no redeeming qualities, and it is a waste of space and time.
An abuser learns your hopes, dreams, fears, and painful memories…and turns them all against you in order to weaken your spirit and make it more compatible with the abuser’s desires. A narcissistic abuser exploits your permissive personality and repeatedly exploits your fear of abandonment in order to make you more dependent on them and more likely to stay attached to them—despite (or rather, ironically, because of) the misery you find yourself in.
Traumatic events and natural disasters may alter our physical capabilities, way of life, and outlook for the foreseeable future, but in many cases, they can also instill a renewed drive for life, love, and healthy relationships. They can create challenges and hardships for us, but, because they don’t destroy our feelings of self-worth, they don’t crush our spirits.
By contrast, narcissistic abuse shatters the soul. This is why trauma feels so different and also why it is so hard to get over it. We were left feeling utterly helpless and hopeless in our spirit. We feel that we lack the spiritual strength to defend ourselves and escape our misery, so instead we continue to dig ourselves into a deeper spiritual hole.
Why narcissistic abuse is so harmful
This is how narcissistic abuse works, why it is so debilitating, and why it feels different from other forms of emotional trauma. And these are the reasons why I don’t think people should try to make things work with a narcissist, regardless of whether it’s a lover, spouse, sibling, parent, coworker, or friend. The only hope for a victim of narcissistic abuse is to make a clean break with the source of the spiritual harm.
Which is why I get so angry every time I see a licensed counselor or PhD in psychology tout the possibility of repairing a relationship with a narcissist. These empty promises only exacerbate the narcissism epidemic we are now witnessing, as well as the emotional suffering experienced by those targeted for this type of abuse – not to mention the tragic spillover effects of narcissistic abuse on the families of the victims and the families of the victims. wider community.
These are also the reasons why I discourage empathy for narcissists, or see them as helpless and wounded individuals rather than the cruel and sadistic tormentors they really are. They may have been injured as children, which is certainly unfortunate. But those children are long gone, leaving only an adult with an underdeveloped level of emotional maturity, non-existent emotional intelligence, and deficient attachment abilities. What is left in that kid’s place is just a scheming manipulator who doesn’t care about anyone but himself.
Instead of feeling sorry for a lost child who has grown into an adult bent on destruction and mayhem at all costs, we should instead focus on the children we have in our families, schools, and communities. We should focus on getting our children out of toxic environments, when possible, so that they have a chance to heal and develop a healthy sense of self. We must focus on the children we have now so that we can heal generational dysfunction rather than perpetuate it.
We shouldn’t forget the past, because it often prevents us from repeating mistakes and helps us stay motivated to keep moving forward…but we should stop relying on “maybe” and “what if”, vain hope that narcissists might change. Instead, we should try to work to heal the damage to our souls and end the mess they have made in our lives so that future generations do not have to learn, as we have had to learn, why narcissistic abuse is so harmful and feels so different from other forms of trauma.
