It is easy to fall in love with narcissists. They are confident, charming, amusing, agreeable or so they think. But narcissism seriously damages relationships and your ability to love if you allow it. Read on to find out how narcissism damages relationships and what you can do about it.
[Note: In this article, I speak as a man in relationships with women. Please adjust your gender terms to fit your relationship experience.]
In previous articles, narcissism has been described as an extreme form of selfishness. But narcissism goes beyond mere self-interest. It is akin to selfishness – an excessive or exaggerated sense of self-importance. In the extreme, the narcissist is alone at the center of his (or her) known world. Other people appear as tools that serve a purpose: to satisfy the narcissist’s needs, wants, and desires. If you don’t, they are considered useless (or worse) and easily disposed of.
If this is extreme, where are you on the narcissistic scale? Measure yourself here.
I’ve always considered myself a developed “conscious male”, so my narcissism was subdued, hidden in the shadows of my subconscious. I couldn’t see it – but the women in my life can.
Related: 10 Relationship Red Flags: Ignore Them At Your Own Risk
This is what it looked like in my earlier days.
As long as I get what I want from the woman in my life, I’ve been happy. I felt good about my relationship. You were helpful, kind, and loving. But if I didn’t get what I wanted, if she wasn’t constantly emerging as the perfect love goddess I expected, I started to stop, withdrawing my energy and attention.
I often felt resentful. I stopped caring about her as I did in the beginning. I have become irritable, irritable, and reactive. I would get to my inner limit and then start looking for a way out, or someone else who would be more satisfying, and less of a problem.
Looking back, I can see that this was a narcissistic requirement that my wife fulfills all my needs and cravings. If you couldn’t do it (and, of course, no one could), my displeasure increased. If she didn’t meet my expectations, then there was something wrong with her. I couldn’t see my role in the dynamic.
This type of narcissism has ruined a lot of good relationships.
In the end, my girlfriend mentions my withdrawal or my lack of care or attention. Or indicated my rude behavior. I didn’t want to hear that. I pointed her out and told her the problem was her reaction. I said things like, “You’re too sensitive. You don’t take responsibility for your stuff. The way you get the message across is not clean. If I used different words or a different tone, I might be able to hear you.”
The victim-blaming tactic drives women crazy — and for good reason. When your behavior hurts her, and she responds to it or reacts to it, and then makes her the problem, you are compounding your narcissism. You avoid responsibility for hurting her and blame her for responding to the problem. It’s harsh.
Want to learn more about how narcissism damages relationships? Then check out this video below:
This type of narcissism tears apart relationships.
Men are generally larger and stronger than women, and throughout history, men have been responsible for most of the damage done to women. Understandably, women have a natural fear of us—especially when we’re old, bloated, demanding, or angry. When faced with a large, raging male, most animals avoid being harmed by one of the safest strategies: escape, freeze, or bend. When men act like fools, most women shrink back into invisible.
If you see your woman indulging in herself, breaking down, or withdrawing from conflict when she barks or screams, your narcissism is doing damage. If you see this in your children, you are doing them great harm. (Get some help now.)
I learned from my partner that when women blame, shame, or criticize men, it’s usually because the man won’t listen to them. Then they have to step up the delivery of their message. After a few frustrating attempts to tell you what you did to hurt them, their communication starts to surface and feels like emotional castration.
Under their growing anger, women are trying to inform and inspire us to become more kind, loving, and virtuous. It’s our brains that make them feel so angry. It is as if someone is trying to hand you a gift, and you refuse to accept it, and starts shoving it in your face until you find out that it is useful to you.
Women, at their best, are a beacon of truth. If you hurt her feelings, whether by unconscious error or by a narcissistic act, she will tell you so, either verbally or in nonverbal body language.
The truth is often uncomfortable to hear, but when a woman tells you that she’s hurt, or that someone else has been affected by your insensitivity, it’s time for pressure, calming her narcissistic ego, and humility. In other words, shut up and listen. And if you’ve hurt someone, don’t expect them to be nice about how you get the message across.
Related: 5 Quotes to Strengthen Boundaries Against Toxic People
love to patronize.
This isn’t just an old saying – it’s a description of a specific set of behaviors that demonstrate true love.
When you care about the other person, you care about their needs (or needs), and the effect your behavior has on them.
If you want to be a good man, a loving man, and begin to reach your full manhood, begin to care more about your influence on others. Anything less is an ego protection racket. Listen carefully to the truth about your woman, even if she is in the form of anger or annoyance. She is trying to communicate something important.
Be honestly curious. Ask, “What are you upset about? I want to know because I care how you feel.” If you don’t ask, you won’t get the information you need to improve or love yourself more deeply.
The narcissist’s isolation inhibits empathy.
Empathy is a natural ability we are all born with. It is “feeling other people’s feelings as if they were your own”. But most boys have been pressured or beaten up on this emotional talent while they were raised.
Most of us have been told, or shown, that it is “not manly” to feel deeply, cry, or share in the suffering of others. We were expected to be strong, impervious to pain. Often we have learned how to inflict suffering on others. Empathy is not an emotion of value in competitive sports, military operations, or the harsh world of business.
As men, we can relearn this crucial skill of empathy.
Extend your awareness to the other person, and feel what they are feeling. You don’t have to approve of feelings, or even admire them – you just have to feel them. When you lower the invulnerable shield you built to stay invulnerable, you’re more prepared to feel. This opens up to you more of your suffering and that of others, but it also opens you to mercy and joy.
Related: 15 Raw Narcissistic Abuse Quotes to Evoke Emotion
Men closed in the narrowness of selfishness lose the glory of true masculinity. Full masculinity includes weaknesses as well as strengths, the ability to cry and laugh, and the ability to feel sadness as well as joy. In our full manhood, we can care more openly, receiving powerful love and female wisdom.
And by the way – this increased awareness, openness, and care have proven useful in working relationships as well. Research shows that empathetic leaders achieve better business and financial outcomes and that their employees are more productive. (See the Stanford Center for Empathy, Altruistic Research, and Education for more information.)
It seems like a long journey from narcissism to true love, but it can be achieved step by step.
Take care a little more each day. Practice a deliberate act of kindness every day. As you care about the well-being and feelings of others, you grow into a fully human, definitely more masculine one. And the sooner you get there, the better, not only for yourself but also for the women and children whose lives you touch.
