“How long will it last?” These kind of questions always creep into our minds when we first get into a relationship. Everyone wants their relationship to be healthy, long-lasting, and meaningful. But, many neglect the key thing to achieving the kind of relationship — having healthy relationship expectations.

For many, long-term love is the goal. The kind that still makes you swoon after years or decades together. In fact, as a sex therapist, many clients I see find themselves wishing they could go back to where the relationship began.

When everything was exciting, intense, and emotional. When you didn’t necessarily think about the healthy expectations of the relationship because everything just felt so… right.

Maybe you are intimate every day. Some of it felt completely consuming. Maybe he missed the other person when he went to the bathroom (!). Your feelings were big and wide, perhaps overwhelming—feelings that you kind of want to return to.

There is nothing wrong with it being that way. And you don’t have to feel bad if you sometimes feel like you want to get back into a continuous state of orgasm with your partner. I mean – wouldn’t we all be if we had the choice?

How to make your romantic relationship last over time

Finding “the one” and living together happily ever after is a fairly widespread idea, especially in the Western world. But ideals, by definition, are unattainable. Striving for that ideal of constant orgasm and an abundance of butterflies could lead to a crisis in your relationship.

Wanting that ideal isn’t a bad thing — but believing it should be a constant in your life leads to both of you feeling like something is missing. And maybe, worst of all, it leads you to believe that you shouldn’t be together anymore (when nothing could be wrong in the first place)!

This is where our expectations come in and why they are so important to creating a solid and strong relationship.

Healthy relationship expectations

Even if constant butterflies aren’t necessarily the goal — you and your partner can figure out how you can make your relationship last and thrive over time, with the reservation that what you’re after is a realistic idea of the relationship.

Some researchers, including John Gottman, call this: the pursuit of a good enough marriage. And in fact, this is probably where we should all try to set the standard (at least for every day).

A good enough relationship is one where you still want to be with your partner after years or decades together. A relationship in which you still genuinely enjoy your time together.

In order to maintain realistic expectations about yourself, each other, and the relationship as a whole, you need to constantly evaluate your thoughts and attitudes.

You have to ask yourself why you want things to be a certain way, and whether those goals are desirable in every situation.

As a clinical sexologist and sex coach, I help clients work toward eliminating potential weaknesses in their relationships and stepping up their relationships for future challenges.

Because one thing is for sure – no matter how much you’re in love now or maybe how unstable your relationship is at the moment – things are constantly changing. And change can work both ways!

What does the research say

If you’ve asked yourself how people sustain a relationship over time – you’re not alone. This is, in fact, the million-dollar question. Everyone wants to know how to do it.

Some important principles govern the survival and success of a romantic relationship. And for your relationship to last, you usually need to focus on things other than what initially attracted you to each other.

Strengths and weaknesses in your relationship

Dating sites and apps can easily make you believe that similarity in personalities is the most important factor for a lasting relationship. However, similarity does not guarantee a great loving relationship — even if it can be important in terms of how sexually attracted we are to someone.

So, what is important then?

Simply put, if you are looking to create long-term love, you need to focus on your strengths and weaknesses.

And to do that, you need to approach them from the perspective of healthy relationship expectations. Because without the right expectations, there will never be enough work. It’s not uncommon for us to forget to appreciate the strengths we share as a couple. And—appreciation is easily important to the resilience of relationships, as is working on our weaknesses.

Guidelines for a lasting relationship built on healthy relationship expectations

How well we are at handling conflict and communicating about important life events
Relationship expert John Gottman divides conflicts into two types: those that can be resolved and those that are not. Gottman believes that unresolvable conflicts account for 69% of all our conflicts (!).

And that means we need to find a way to deal with unresolvable conflicts if our relationship is going to stand the test of time. One way to do this is to create healthy relationship expectations that surround conflicts.

How willing we are to act on our relationship
Without putting in the time or effort, it will be difficult for our relationship to last over time. This may seem too simple or too obvious, in which case, I would challenge you to watch how much effort and time you are currently putting into it. Is there an area you can work on a little more? Perhaps you are currently avoiding it, as is your sex life?

Low libido in long-term relationships is really common (despite the fact that we rarely talk about it). And when we haven’t had physical intimacy in a long time, it can easily become a very big issue in our minds.

Everything and anything reminds us that we “should” have sex: an intimate scene on TV, the way our partner comforts us in bed, or even just a mention of it from our partner, can make us nervous.

How good are we at continuing to develop our individual identity, while still being a team

Many believe that cultivating our individual identity is crucial to both attraction and the desire to flow. If you are no longer sure where your partner begins and ends, you may want to work on revitalizing your identity.

How well we idealize our partner’s personality and behavior

At first glance, this might sound a little strange – but stay with me here. Researcher Sandra Murray has found, in a number of studies, that those who are the happiest few years into a relationship are those who idealized their partner at the beginning of the relationship.

This can look like idealizing certain traits in your partner, such as their intelligence or kindness, or the way they treat you by cooking your favorite meal or suggesting a fun nighttime activity.

How often do we respond to our partners’ attempts to communicate
Healthy relationship expectations surrounding communication are of paramount importance. And when looking at the most robust and long-term relationships, we can see that these are the ones in which partners respond more often to their partner’s attempts at communication.

This doesn’t mean we’re good at it all the time, nor that we never miss the point. This means that those who respond more frequently to their partner’s advances are happier with their relationship and tend to have long-term relationships.

How supportive we are of our partner
Providing great support, whether in times of sadness and hardship or in times of happiness and excitement – is crucial. If you are interested in making your relationship flexible, take a look at how willing you and your partner are to support each other’s goals, how willing you are to compromise, and what you are willing to sacrifice for each other.

Flexible relationships

When it comes to how to make your romance last over time, it’s all about setting healthy expectations for the relationship. This can be done by examining the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship and working on them together, to strengthen your bond and make your relationship more resilient.