We get it, your connection to your family is supposed to be the mythical bond that no one and nothing can break – however, sometimes it’s OK to distance yourself or cut off toxic family members indefinitely, for the sake of your own peace of mind and happiness.

You should never compromise your mental, emotional, or physical health in order to tolerate a toxic family member. Before you begin to prevent Aunt Susan and your second cousin, it is important to recognize the signs of a toxic person or the signs of a toxic family member.

5 Signs of a toxic person

She’s a ruler.
Constructive criticism is healthy, but constant and unwarranted criticism can degrade anyone’s self-esteem. And if you have to spend the holidays with a toxic family, it can take a heavy toll on you mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.
They feed on drama.
Have you ever turned to a loved one for some personal advice? However, after sharing your most vulnerable moments with them in some way – someone you thought was a trusted ally – everyone in your family somehow knows all about your personal life (including your distant cousin in Hungary, whom you’ve never met).
They gassed you.
If someone in your family constantly claims they never said anything, when you and others know they did, it might not seem so serious. However, this is a form of gassing, and it’s very emotionally abusive behavior. In such cases, it is okay to isolate toxic family members and protect your mental health.
They only talk to you when they need something from you.
Often, they will go to you for advice or emotional comfort. But once you turn to them for support, they deny your needs or hold your personal information against you. It is crucial that you cut ties with your family members like these.
They switch between positive and negative reinforcement.
They can attack you, shout and insult you. However, once you ignore them after this senseless attack, they will likely coax you back into their trap by offering you false praise and support. These positive interactions are usually short-lived before this individual returns to his or her typical correlative behavior.

If anyone in your family exhibits any of the symptoms of toxic and abusive behavior, they are putting your mental health at risk, and the best solution is to cut ties with toxic family members like these.

Dealing with toxic family members

In fact, this is one of the main reasons so many people go to therapy,” explains Alithia Asturizaga, a licensed clinical social worker at Alithia Psychotherapy Associates, P.D.

Toxic relationships, even with family members, can drain you emotionally, which can affect your overall mental health. However, you should not accept this as the status quo.

“There are certain techniques people can use to make these relationships more tolerable — these generally involve distancing yourself somewhat from the toxic person. However, in many cases, the best solution is to remove the toxic individual from your life completely. Rarely is this the case. It’s easy and often complex and emotionally conflicted in the case of close family relationships, as with a single parent—but when situations have deteriorated to the point that it’s impossible to live a happy, liberated life, this course of action is usually the way to go, Asturizaga says.

This abusive behavior is not limited to romantic relationships because anyone can have a detrimental effect on your life.

Shannon Patel, LPC LCAS for the past eight years at Families Services of America, tells her campus that the best way to deal with a toxic person is to first set boundaries.

To help stick to these boundaries, Patel suggests, “Any time you deal with toxicity, understand that there is a learning curve. There will be periods of uncertainty, guilt, and potential loss in relationships. You have to determine the level of sacrifice you’re willing to make to protect your emotions and those you love.” They trust you to protect them too. Sometimes, you have to hurt one to help the other. Hurt is never meant to be malicious but always done in love and respect. Behavior is choice-driven.”

Although you may feel an instinctive urge to keep a toxic family member in your life, especially if that family member is your father, it is important to understand that keeping a toxic person in your life will have detrimental effects on your mental health.

It’s okay if they don’t change, and it’s best to cut out toxic family members
While you might try to convince your family member that what they’re doing is emotionally harmful to you, your family member probably won’t change — and that’s okay.

Personally, I spent most of my teens and two years of adulthood trying to get my parents to understand their abusive and emotionally toxic behavior.

After finally convincing my mother to go to therapy with me, so that my therapist could help her understand her abusive behavior (so she could effect positive change), my mother vehemently denounced my therapist’s suggestions and declared that I was “the one who needed help, because [I was] the crazy one.”

Not only did her statement perpetuate offensive ableist language, but it also contributes to the ignorant stigma that only the “emotionally fragile” need therapy. In reality, everyone can benefit from therapy and counseling.

Before this case, I had heard similar phrases from my mother countless times. I told myself that her abhorrent behavior was not worth sacrificing my mental health and emotional well-being because she would clearly never change – so I needed to change the situation to protect myself from this abuse.

At first, I felt worthless because the person who birthed me refused to change to keep me in her life, but I realized I couldn’t force her to change.

However, it’s okay if a toxic family member in your life never changes. Although you may become obsessed with forcing them to change, this obsession can take a toll on your mental health. Imagining a life in which you are separated from a family member may seem unfathomable, but it is possible – because you don’t need it.

Even after you distance yourself from this toxic person, it will take some time to recover from that abuse, and that’s okay too.

Family is a personal term, so you can make a new family out of your supportive friends. Surrounding yourself with supportive people will help you promote the positive change you need in your life.

While my personal experience with toxic parents may seem like an isolated occurrence, it is not. Lori Osashi, MSS, LCSW and director and owner of The Body Image Counselling Center, explains to Her Campus, “A toxic family member is often a parent. It’s very painful to realize that a toxic parent’s personality is unlikely to ever change. It may be The decision to downgrade or no contact, and then stick with one’s own decision is excruciating. Moreover, my clients often don’t realize that parental behavior is toxic, so they continue to put up with the abusive behaviors.”

It can be an endless cycle of abusive behavior until you accept that the behavior is, in fact, harmful and that it won’t change until you distance yourself from that family member.

“The social stigma of the need to ‘honor your mom and dad’ is another stumbling block. Sometimes cutting a parent out of your life is the best decision, but you need tremendous support and education to do that successfully and experience relief,” says Osashi.

As someone who has mastered the art of eliminating toxic lovers, friends, and family from her life, the toxic person in your life may try to moonlight you into believing that you are, in fact, the aggressor.

They will likely claim that they are a victim because you are avoiding them, just because they give you a false sense of change or because they make you feel remorse. These are the same abusive tactics they used before, and you don’t have to back down and accept them back into your life.

After all, toxicity is harmful, and you don’t need this kind of behavior to kill your mental health. It’s okay to cut toxic family members out of your life!

5 Signs of a toxic person

Dealing with toxic family members

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