“Narcissistic rage” is a term first used by psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut in 1972. 1 Narcissistic rage can take the form of overt, intense aggression in the form of screaming, shouting, and violence. It can also take the form of passive aggression, where the narcissist finds ways to inflict pain on you behind closed doors. Sometimes, it can take the form of the silent treatment.
Being subjected to someone else’s rage is never fun—but when it comes to narcissistic rage, it’s especially traumatic for the following reasons.
- You have no idea why they’re so angry.
Lauren told me about a recent incident with her narcissistic sister. “There was a slight change in plans about visiting our father in the hospital, and when I told her, she went absolutely livid. She screamed and yelled about how I had no rights and didn’t respect her. Aside from the fact that she has a history of exploding for no reason, I wasn’t expecting this outburst at all. I had no idea that I had done anything to offend her.”
Narcissists respond to perceived threats to their fragile sense of self, and something seemingly simple can trigger their narcissistic rage. The key word here is perceived. A narcissist’s perception is very narrowly focused on themselves. Their worlds become small and self-centered. It’s very easy to have no idea that you’ve inadvertently burst their narcissistic bubble until you’re on the receiving end of a screaming match.
- Their rage is intense and extreme.
“Narcissistic wound” is sometimes used to describe the root cause of a person’s narcissism—an experience or experiences that have shamed or hurt them to the point that deep down they believe they’re not “good enough.” The narcissistic behaviors they develop over the course of their lives are simply attempts to mask their vulnerabilities in a brash display of grandiose gestures and delusional thinking.
When you do something that touches on the original wound, the narcissist experiences it intensely and deeply—like sticking a finger in an open wound. Their response is appropriately intense and extreme. Another reason why they are so angry—whether it’s open aggression or a very damaging passive-aggressive response—is that they don’t care much (if at all) about the impact it will have on you. If they feel justified in yelling at you, they will.
One narcissistic client told me, “I hate people who hesitate. I’ll tell you it like it is. If it means I have to yell at you, I’ll do it.” He had no understanding of why others would approach conflict more cautiously in order to protect the feelings of the person they were in conflict with.
- They Lie, Cheat, and Distort Facts
If you know someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you know someone who is delusional. The narcissist’s entire world is built around delusional thinking. They have to carefully hide any less than perfect aspects of their lives and work hard to create a perfect version of themselves that they need to believe in. Narcissists are great at lying, cheating and distorting the truth – they need to do this in order to present their version of themselves to the outside world.
When you fall prey to narcissistic rage, if you try to defend yourself, you will undoubtedly be accused of various things that you did not do – and you will be accused even more if you try to present your case.
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Arguing will only fan the flames of anger further. Not only have you threatened their sense of ego, but you now disrespect them and question their authority! Trying to convince them of reason will be no more successful when you consider how deep the narcissistic scar you have inflicted, perhaps completely unintentionally. They may not be able to listen to reason, and given the manipulative nature of narcissists, they may have manipulated you into putting you in a position where they can present themselves as a wounded victim, completely justified in their retaliatory response.
Rrelated : Are You Living With a True Narcissist?
One option is to stay with them and let them believe they are right, and perhaps offer an apology to appease them. One client told me how, even as a young child, she would apologize to her emotionally abusive narcissistic mother—even when she knew she had done nothing wrong. “I would say, ‘I’m sorry, Mom,’ even when she was being horrible to me. Admitting I was wrong was the only thing that would appease her.” Staying with an abusive narcissist who has frequent narcissistic rages is staying in an abusive relationship. If you are in this kind of cycle with a narcissist who doesn’t believe they need to change, your only option is to avoid them and their uncontrollable rages. If you need help and support, please seek out a suitably qualified therapist.
