the main points
When someone is in the midst of a relationship with a narcissist, much of their time and attention may go to that partner’s needs.
A person may find it difficult to leave their narcissistic partner because the narcissist may make them feel wanted or special.
Others may become addicted to the push-and-pull dynamic of being with a narcissist.
A plethora of problems can come with dating a narcissist. However, many people are drawn to narcissistic relationships. Studies have found that narcissists are more attractive and attractive to people as potential suitors. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can leave a person feeling like they have lost themselves, as their partner becomes the focus of their energy and attention. However, even after a strained relationship, it can be difficult to let go of narcissists.
It’s not really surprising that a person would be attracted to someone with narcissistic traits. They can be attractive and bring a lot of energy to a room. “Narcissistic people can be very charming and likable at first, they can delight and seduce us, they can be interesting, funny, mysterious and exciting,” said Bojana Dinjic, an associate professor at the University of Novi Sad in Serbia. I recently completed a study on the love styles of narcissists. “However, in long-term relationships, their true nature comes out and we are left wondering if it is the same person from the beginning of our relationship.”
The early stages of a romance with a narcissist can be very emotional and exciting. There may be a feeling that if this “great,” special, larger-than-life person chooses me, then I must be special, too. Narcissists can be prone to falling madly in love with someone right away and can be very quick to commit. However, this initial love and commitment cannot be easily maintained.
Related : 5 Tips to Get Through a Divorce with a Narcissist
Over time, some negative traits often begin to emerge. Narcissists tend to be controlling, possessive, and jealous. They may need attention and seek reassurance and constructiveness. They may feel hurt easily and be overly focused on their own wants and needs. If we hurt their inflated perception of themselves, narcissists often lash out. Their communication can be spotty, making the other person feel weak or less than.
When someone is in the midst of a relationship with a narcissist, it is not uncommon for them to feel isolated. The narcissistic partner may expend energy or even try to limit their contact with others. Much of their time and attention will go to the narcissist’s wants, needs and emotions, and thus their needs and emotions may be neglected. With all these challenges and negative aspects of a relationship, why is it so difficult to leave a narcissistic partner?
- A narcissist can make us feel needed.
The fact that a narcissistic person demands a lot from their partner is not a big surprise. One recent study showed that narcissism is “actually driven by insecurity, not an inflated sense of self.” In this way, although they may gain an air of confidence in public, much of their identity feels fragile in private. Thus, when we are close to a narcissist, we may become a tool they use to try to float themselves or feel better about themselves. They may feel that if their self-image takes one crack, it could all crumble. For this reason, we may feel extremely guilty for leaving a narcissist. - Narcissists can make us feel special
Although a narcissist can take up a lot of space in our lives and keep us in their shadow, we may feel that we bask in their glow by staying close to them. If we lose them, we will also lose the spotlight that shines on them. We may feel resistant to leaving, because we are afraid to sacrifice the sense of privacy we have gained through attachment to them. - We can feel like we are losing ourselves.
Because in a narcissistic relationship we take on so much of the other person’s struggles and so much of their identity as our own, we may feel as if we would be giving up a part of ourselves if we let them go. If it becomes the center of our world, we may feel lost without it. Thus, even though the relationship has dark sides, we imagine that we will be left completely in the dark if we walk away.
- Narcissists can mess with our self-esteem.
Unfortunately, we all have a side of us that questions and belittles who we are. We all have a “critical inner voice” that tells us we are unworthy or unwanted in all sorts of ways. Being with a narcissist may make us feel a little better about ourselves in some ways, because we feel good that someone with such a high opinion of themselves has chosen us. Our partner may also build us up, making us feel special as a significant other, because they will only be with someone special.
On the other hand, a narcissistic partner may make us feel small by putting us down when he feels challenged or when we fail to satisfy his exaggerated need for praise. Or they may do this by ignoring us completely, making us feel unworthy. These treatment methods support our already negative attitudes toward ourselves, and our critical inner voice is likely to become stronger. While it may be painful to listen to the self-attacks of this inner critic, it is also something we all struggle to challenge. This is because we tend to absorb many of its messages as our own point of view, rather than seeing the external forces that shape them throughout our lives.
- We have become addicted to pushing and pulling
Relationships with a narcissist have many highs and lows. “The common characteristic of all types of narcissistic love is obsession,” Dinich said. Narcissism is often associated with a “play-based love style.” One minute, our partner might make us feel like we’re the center of their universe. The next day, we may seem like their last priority. A narcissist may pay us little attention when we are there for them, but confront us with great feelings when we are not.
While we may feel overwhelmed, confused, or frustrated by this dynamic, we may also become addicted to it. Pushing and pulling from another person can make them more attractive. We may think that we need this passionate, exciting love to feel worthy within ourselves. As one partner of a narcissist described it to me: “If I can make her love me, I’m really special.”
Related : 10 Tips for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
Because we feel lost and like we have nothing without the other person, we may stay with them and keep trying to get the spotlight back on. This dynamic can be particularly attractive to people who experienced an insecure attachment style early in life where they felt they could not get their needs met or did not feel cared for or loved on a consistent basis. The intermittent reinforcement they get from the narcissist, in all its shiny excess, can feel like something they need in order to feel good within themselves.
- Narcissists can recreate our past
There are often reasons from our history that attract us to a narcissist. These reasons are usually based on our early relational experiences and attachment styles. If we have a parent who needs us to reassure them or who reverses roles and makes us care for them, devoting ourselves to someone with similar selfish patterns will be commonplace.
If we grew up feeling anxious and like we couldn’t get the love or attention we needed from our primary caregiver, staying in a relationship where we feel the same sense of hopelessness can be something we subconsciously gravitate toward. These dynamics may be unpleasant, but they are familiar. We feel an urge to recreate them, because they are the models we have learned for how relationships work.
Since the forces that draw us into relationships with a narcissist have a lot to do with our internal patterns and personal histories, breaking up with a narcissist may require some self-reflection. We may be struggling with our sense of self or injuries from past relationships that lead us to fall into painful patterns with our current partner. By looking at what attracts us to a narcissist, what dynamics they re-create and what negative self-concepts they reinforce, we can learn a lot about ourselves. We can then begin to challenge those patterns and ideas. We can break free from relationships that limit and hurt us. Finally, we can guide ourselves to choose healthier, more fulfilling, and more equal relationships in the future.
