Some days, or under certain circumstances, I wish I were a narcissist or at least could navigate life. Narcissists have it. Mostly, narcissists thrive on it. Imagine, for example, having the ability to assume that you are the most attractive and intelligent person in the room at any event you attend. Narcissists are capable of that. I wish I could be a little bit like them.
Narcissists are entitled to what someone else has, including financial resources, time for their partner, sexual attention, or anything they need that someone else can provide. Although narcissists can withhold empathy, they know how to elicit compassion and empathy from others who can make their lives more comfortable or enjoyable. Meanwhile, many of us feel guilty about asking for what we want or need. I would like to have some narcissistic entitlement.
Narcissists are strategic—more strategic than most of us. They are highly skilled at distorting reality, distorting facts, and distorting events. They can hide what is going on, in ways that the rest of us cannot see. Because they are so easily able to turn things around so that any mistake is someone else’s, others may criticize them and judge them as snakes who get away with it. They are quite capable of reframing situations to their advantage that might otherwise cause them pain or shame. Value judgments aside, what’s not to like about having such abilities? Narcissists do not mean to be “evil.” They simply protect themselves in deeply ingrained ways. Why wouldn’t anyone want to have a little of their skill at doing that? I admit I would. While the rest of us have to deal with our shortcomings, narcissists are very good at hiding their deep inner shame from themselves and others. If your favorite narcissist tells you that he or she has been hurt in some way, he or she is not necessarily revealing his or her shame. The statement may be designed to elicit your pity or guilt. But not always. If they truly trust you, they may reveal their vulnerabilities from time to time. But don’t expect their vulnerabilities to remain accessible. When you think you have a deep, spiritual connection, they may back away. However, you may feel a sense of agency that is truly theirs. As humans, we can respond emotionally, especially to another intimate person. Through this ability, we can take on what a narcissistic partner feels but denies. Most narcissists know how to avoid vulnerability and transfer their feelings to their partner to experience on their behalf. Experiencing the threatening and confusing feelings that a narcissist displays is detrimental to the average person who is not used to dealing with such a raw product.
Can you imagine that your narcissist would reach out to you when there is a breach in the relationship? This will only happen if you can “let go of the past,” or if the narcissist is confident of winning when discussing the conflict. The conflict is never the narcissist’s fault. It can’t be. They may go so far as to acknowledge your pain and claim that they are hurting because you are the one who is hurting. Additionally, a skilled narcissist may specifically inquire about any hurt or anger you feel. But there’s no escaping the fact that you’re the problem—the conflict is yours, not their behavior that triggered your reaction. Without questioning your conclusions, you may find yourself saying it’s your problem. As a result, you’ll end up apologizing for any break in your relationship with a narcissist. The relief you’ll feel when you reconnect will mask any tendency to see this as a manipulative move by a narcissistic partner to maintain connection or control.
On the other hand, when their self-esteem is threatened from the outside or from within, withdrawal is a clever way for the narcissist to cover all bets. During periods of withdrawal, the narcissist may not do anything overt to push their partner away, but the partner may feel strongly about the disconnect. In non-romantic relationships, narcissists often ignore the other person’s presence and thus steal a position of power. If a partner under bad circumstances considers ending a relationship with a narcissist, the narcissist will often return to their partner, at least long enough to keep them engaged. However, if the relationship is seriously threatened by how the partner feels, the narcissist will make it seem as if they instigated or wanted the relationship to end. How clever that is! Truly, narcissism is amazing! Narcissists are brilliant at defending their inherent shame in all the ways that are listed as their symptoms: grandiosity, arrogance, entitlement, lack of empathy for others (and even exploitation), selfishness, and exhibitionism. Meanwhile, the rest of us have to feel shame. Well, that’s not fun. However, unlike narcissists, we also have the opportunity to learn from it. Learning from shame may not seem like much consolation, but it can be quite satisfying. Yet, simply put, life can be easier for narcissists. And narcissists can easily do what country singer and songwriter Dr. Watson recommends in his song, Keep on the Sunny Side. Those of us who aren’t narcissists can try to learn a lesson from Dr. Watson:
Stay on the sunny side
Always on the sunny side
Stay on the sunny side of life.
It will help us every day
It will light our way
If we stay on the sunny side of life.
