In 1974, well-known media heiress Patricia Hearst was kidnapped. Later, she continued to help her attackers rob a bank, indicating her sympathy and support for their mission. In 1998, ten-year-old Natasha Kampusch was kidnapped on her way to school. After her attacker committed suicide several years later, Kampusch showed visible grief over the loss. She cried over his death and carried his picture for many years.
These high-profile cases point to Stockholm Syndrome, a phenomenon in which victims come into contact with and associate with perpetrators of crimes. But Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t just happen in the media; it’s a typical response to an abusive relationship.
For most people, recovery from Stockholm Syndrome is essential to recovery from abuse. Once you stop conforming to the person who abused you, you will have complete freedom to move on with your life.
Understanding Stockholm Syndrome
What makes some people stay in brainwashing cults? Why do some partners stay in bad relationships, even when they have all the resources to leave? How do we collectively find compassion for people who commit some of the most heinous acts known to humanity?
To answer these questions, you first need to understand Stockholm Syndrome and how it worsens over time.
In many ways, Stockholm Syndrome represents the basis of the interconnectedness of trauma. This occurs when victims feel positive feelings toward their attackers. These feelings may include anything from compassion to sympathy to true feelings of love. It can worsen as a relationship progresses, making it difficult for people to leave toxic or life-threatening situations.
When it comes to Stockholm Syndrome and narcissism, many loved ones struggle with these conflicting feelings. For example, you may begin to over-identify as a narcissist. You may feel like you’re the only one who understands them. Moreover, you may think that you are meant to stay together, despite all the hurt and abuse.
You see, Stockholm Syndrome is a response to trauma. Your mind and body are trying to protect you by convincing you that an unsafe situation is not unsafe.
Unfortunately, narcissists work hard to reinforce this narrative. They want you to believe that everything is fine. And if everything doesn’t go well, they want to make sure you assume it’s your fault and not theirs.
Common signs of Stockholm syndrome
Stockholm syndrome can vary from person to person, but most victims experience some common undertones. In cases of narcissistic abuse, here’s what you can expect.
Positive thoughts and feelings about the narcissist
He was misunderstood by everyone!
She does her best and works hard.
He loves me, that’s why he’s so protective of me.
Do any of these texts look familiar? If so, you may be justifying the narcissist’s actions more than you realize. This is not your fault. As you probably know, narcissists rely on strategic gaslighting to make others doubt themselves. In addition, they manipulate almost every situation to make themselves seem like good people.
Hostility toward people against the narcissist
Do you find yourself rushing to your partner’s defense (even when you know they’re wrong?) Do you get upset when someone points out their flaws? Do you feel like it’s you and the narcissist against the world?
If so, this is another common sign of Stockholm Syndrome. You feel so much compassion and empathy for the narcissist that you alienate yourself from others. You block out any negative noise because facing this truth seems too painful.
Justify or defend their behavior
He takes care of me and provides me with a good life.
It’s my fault she gets upset sometimes.
He doesn’t have anyone else who cares about him like I do.
This is one of the most dangerous signs that you are amid narcissistic abuse. When you are at this crossroads, it is difficult to recognize the danger for what it is. Instead, you begin to imitate the narcissist’s language and internalize their beliefs about you and the world.
Does everyone in narcissistic relationships suffer from Stockholm Syndrome?
No, but it’s common. Although Stockholm syndrome is not an official diagnosis, many people in abusive relationships experience signs of it.
Narcissistic relationships are extremely harmful because narcissists engage in several tactics to maintain power and control. For example, they may do the following:
He bombards you with love to keep you feeling special and important.
Work hard to convince you that no one understands them.
Isolating you from other relationships or feelings to avoid outside influence.
Threatening to harm you or your reputation if you leave the relationship.
Show compassion and kindness sometimes (trick you into thinking everything is okay).
This pattern makes it easy to fall prey to Stockholm Syndrome. Even if you know something isn’t right, and even if you question the safety of the relationship, the narcissist will redouble his efforts to keep you feeling confused.
Worse, they will work as hard as possible to convince you they’re a really good person. After all, from their point of view, everyone else has the problem. Everyone else makes things difficult.
Unfortunately, children are particularly vulnerable to Stockholm syndrome. Children often confuse the narcissist’s abusive action as loving or protective. And even if they feel angry towards their narcissistic parent, they also know they rely on them for security and safety.
