All partners in intimate relationships are bound, at times, to say and act in ways that upset and disappoint others, especially when they are in the midst of conflict.
The most dangerous of these dialectical interactions is the use of double standards to win an argument. For the past four decades, I’ve been helping couples resolve their differences, and I truly believe that ending this type of manipulative behavior has had the most positive impact in helping couples resolve their grievances.
This is how it works. Partner A, feeling as though he is feeling trapped and losing ground, “flips” the interaction to make Partner B abandon the argument due to the need to defend the new challenge.
“People can only deal with the truth if you talk to them in a mirror.” – Lakia Echols
Here are some examples of an effective “reflection” phrase:
Partner A:
“You drive me crazy with lice.”
Partner B:
“What about you? You just spent every morning telling me how I didn’t treat your friends the way I was supposed to.”
or,
Partner A:
“You don’t seem to have any trouble doing what you want.”
Partner B:
“Good maneuver but it will not work. You are the greatest example of selfishness I have ever known.”
or,
“Why don’t you look at the way you blame everyone but yourself.”
“Well, what are you doing now? Are you not blaming me? You are twisting the truth again.”
In intimate relationships, partners who use double standards to win an argument manipulate others by keeping them on the defensive until they lose sight of what the argument is about. When “flipping” becomes the standard strategy, both partners are likely to become more ferocious, turning double standards into data erasure and personal assassinations.
“People are quick to judge but slow to correct themselves.”
Here are some examples:
“You need to look superior is very unattractive.”
“You always need the last word, right?”
“Okay, master know-it-all. Go ahead and try to pull the rank. You won’t stop until you win. You didn’t. At least I’m willing to listen and settle.”
“Just face it. You will never convince me that you have your finger on the truth and that I only live in a fantasy world.”
“Don’t pretend to be fair. You know you’re not. Why don’t you just admit it?”
Recognize the different forms of double standards
Couples who want to leave these dangerous and destructive interactions should be able to recognize them as soon as they occur and stop using them immediately.
Some are very subtle and hard to identify, while others are intentionally mean. But they all, without stopping, will eventually destroy any trust between the spouses.
Although the following by no means include all the ways relationship partners use double standards, these five examples may help you identify them in your relationship.
Lack of awareness
Sometimes people don’t realize that they are using double standards to win a dispute. For example, a partner who is challenged to spend a lot of money on “trivial” things, might justify these same rules to themselves, stating that their ways of spending money are more legitimate. Or, one partner finds it more honorable to work long hours despite being away from the family than to spend time on a pleasant pastime, even though it causes the same effect poignantly.
Parents regularly tell their children not to yell or threaten each other, while not modeling the same behavior in their relationships. One partner necessarily sees himself or herself as changing priorities while the other is accused of being a procrastinator.
The similarities are obvious. When reasoning, change the rules in favor of the competitor.
“A great relationship is about two things, first, discovering similarities, and second, respecting differences.” – Unknown
Minor conflict situations
When attacked or threatened, partners are more likely to use double standards to defend themselves. They don’t like the way they look in the other partner’s mirror, and “smash the mirror” by lifting one that making the other accusers turn. The repetitive spiral escalation of repetitive attack/defense maneuvers quickly destroys any ability for them to resolve their situation.
Here are some examples:
John:
“You promised you’d never drink that much again. Why do you keep doing that when you know you shouldn’t?”
Julie:
“Well, how about you constantly tell me you’re going to lose weight? Are you better?”
Jack:
“This is the third time you’ve made that promise and just forgot about it. You only do things when you want to. Why don’t you just admit it?”
Karen:
“Do you always keep your word? When was the last time you started having sex?”
Uncover the sacred loopholes
Most people automatically defend themselves when they feel exposed in ways that make them uncomfortable. In good relationships, both partners know weaknesses that are embarrassing or too vulnerable and are careful never to use them, even when fighting.
Unfortunately, some partners break these obligations when they feel threatened. They will be equally upset if others do the same but may not be able to keep that promise when they feel trapped.
Here are some examples:
“You might think you know everything, but don’t forget that you had to drop out of school because you couldn’t break through.”
“Maybe I was bored because you were always sick of your other partners and blamed them for why you left. You told me you thought something was wrong.”
“I know I never should have talked about that time you were arrested for theft, but you were so clueless and mean how I always lose things.”
“In a relationship, each person must support the other; they must lift each other.” – Taylor Swift
Angry Retribution
In relationships that continue to lose trust and build hostility, one or both partners are more likely to justify their use of double standards as “necessary” to stop the other partner’s threats. Because they know each other well enough to realize where they can gain an advantage, they may start to use that knowledge recklessly when fighting.
Here are some examples:
dew:
“You have nothing to back up this story. You are just making up lies to get an advantage.”
Beef:
“I’m making a reality? That’s a stupid statement. You’re the one who told your mom you don’t drink anymore, yet you still stop every night at the bar before you get home.”
for him:
“You give everyone advice on how not to eat sugar, but you eat ice cream every night. What a hypocrite.”
Cyclic:
“Do you call me a hypocrite? You told me how you robbed your friends and you never told them. I change the rules when it is convenient.”
When the use of double standards means on purpose
“Real magic in relationships means the absence of other people’s judgment.” – Wayne Dyer
When double standards are regularly used as deliberate weapons, they are intentional, focused, and intended to weaken and destroy any reasonable argument on the other end of them.
In these types of relationships, the balance of power is usually in favor of only one partner, who sees himself or herself as your “only keeper of the truth.” The moment any disagreement starts to heat up, this dominant partner quickly uses whatever can make the other feel self-doubt.
Those who maintain this dominant position are often charismatic or narcissistic. Unfortunately, they often attract partners that allow them to use double standards to control them.
Here are examples of how they appear in conflict interactions:
“Remember, I have to make all the decisions. You told me you can’t do anything right and everything you touch goes wrong, so stop giving your opinion because we agree it doesn’t matter.”
“You wanted me and that’s what I am. I need freedom and I’ll do what I want, whether you like it or not. You don’t have the same privileges because you need me more than I need you.”
Of course, there are double standards in this relationship. You heard me, so don’t try to change the deal. If you don’t like it, get out.”
Some couples stay in these relationships for many reasons that others may not understand. Perhaps the overall situation was worth it for them. Perhaps they are playing with childhood relationships or they are intoxicated by the power difference. Or maybe they stay in the relationship to protect others or feel they can’t do anything better elsewhere. Although it is difficult for them to witness their plight, they feel trapped and compelled to bear it.
There will never be a relationship where power and influence are always equally shared, where authenticity is always expressed, or between people who are always fair in every situation. However, people who love and respect each other can strive to make their relationships as equal and fair as possible.
Yes, all pairs will, at times, use double standards to gain an advantage. But, the more honest a couple is about when and why they manipulate each other in this way, the more they can confront their true basic needs and ask for what they want more directly.
I’ve never known a relationship didn’t improve when partners identify, recognize, and stop these double-standard maneuvers. And while there are no intimate partners who could be respectful and fair to each other at all times, those who can leave double-standard behaviors behind, quickly increase their confidence in the mutual integrity of their relationship.
