Vengeful personality. Revenge plan. Lack of remorse and empathy. This is how narcissistic personality disorder is often and inaccurately portrayed in popular culture.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a highly stigmatized and misunderstood condition, and is never a personal choice.
Instead, it is a complex mental health condition that goes beyond certain stereotypical behaviors or attitudes.
Can a person with a narcissistic personality take revenge? Yes. However, the desire for revenge is not an official symptom of the disorder, nor is it limited to people with mental health conditions.
Only a mental health professional can accurately diagnose narcissistic personality disorder.
What is narcissistic personality disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder affects approximately 5.3% of the US population. It is more common in males.
A sense of self-aggrandizement, an intense desire for admiration and appreciation, and fantasies of unlimited success are just three of nine narcissistic traits.
As with many other mental health conditions, not everyone experiences the same symptoms of BPD or with the same severity. In this sense, the narcissistic personality can be considered a spectrum.
In fact, anyone can act out with grandiosity and other aspects of narcissism in certain situations. This does not mean that they live with the disorder.
The difference between narcissism as a personality trait and narcissistic personality disorder as a mental health condition is the extent to which it persists over time and in all situations.
“We all exaggerate when we tell a story out of excitement,” explains Nicholas Hardy, a psychotherapist in Texas. “But a narcissistic person constantly exaggerates his stories and discusses his accomplishments with an aura of exaggerated importance — to the point where he may become defensive when asked or when someone challenges his idea of superiority.”
In some cases, someone may have more narcissistic personality symptoms or experience them in a more severe way.
When this is the case, some experts call it “extreme narcissism.”
What is extreme narcissism?
Narcissism is not a personal decision.
Most people with this condition are not even aware of their symptoms and how it can affect their relationships. However, they may experience these symptoms intensely and widely.
Many experts refer to severe narcissism when symptoms of a narcissistic personality become so persistent and intense that they may begin to further affect the self and relationships.
“There are always different levels of turbulence,” Hardy says. While there may be no clinical distinction, Hardy explains that each person experiences narcissistic personality differently.
“In many ways, they are unable to see outside their false beliefs and have an ‘at all costs’ mentality,” Hardy adds. “Even when it’s not about them, they often create scenarios that redirect other people’s attention.”
There is also a difference between overt and covert narcissism: some people with a narcissistic personality may act extremely dominant and feel superior (overt narcissism), while others may have the same internalized beliefs but act out in more subtle ways (covert narcissism). .
What is retaliatory narcissism?
In general, a vengeful person may tend to hold a grudge and “get back at you” when they feel you have wronged them in some way.
Anyone can act in vindictive ways in some situations, and not everyone who does has a personality disorder.
In the same way, not everyone with a narcissistic personality acts in a vindictive manner.
Revenge narcissism is not an official diagnosis. The term “retaliation” refers more to the way someone with this disorder may act in some situations.
Revenge behavior in someone with a narcissistic personality may be an extreme manifestation of their symptoms. It’s usually the result of what some experts call narcissistic rage.
“Often, this person personalizes any experience that calls into question his or her false beliefs,” explains Hardy. “They view differences as personal attacks and respond in ways that attempt to intimidate anyone responsible.”
In other words, a person with retaliatory narcissism may tend to feel deeply and permanently hurt by another person’s rejection, boundaries, or contradictory behavior. In turn, they may react intensely and need to confront this perceived opponent.
“This opponent is rarely a [real] opponent, but rather how the narcissist has shaped him or her in their mind,” Hardy says.
Retaliatory behavior may look different in each case. Sometimes, it may be about sabotaging someone else. In other cases, it may be saying something hurtful or using something they know against the person.
The motivation behind this retaliatory behavior may also be different in each scenario.
A person with a narcissistic personality may react with anger after someone does not give him the attention he seeks, if someone else gets the promotion he believes he deserves, or when someone disagrees with something he says.
Or, as Hardy says, “If an argument starts, they may bring up secrets from the past and use them against you in hurtful ways.”
Is everyone who insults you or says hurtful things during an argument a “narcissist”? of course not.
As with other mental health conditions, there is a lot involved. Only a mental health professional can make an accurate diagnosis.
What causes revenge in narcissistic personality disorder?
The causes of borderline personality disorder, in general, are not well understood or established.
Researchers believe several factors could play a role, including:
Traumatic events
to leave of
Excessive criticism from a loved one
Offense
discrimination
Excessive pampering
Family history of narcissistic personality disorder or other personality disorders
Originates in an individualistic culture
“Narcissism is considered by some to be a comorbid condition, along with other personality disorders, such as antisocial personality disorder and borderline psychopathy,” explains Shevonne Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Miami Gardens, Florida.
In other words, Henry says, they may have low empathy for others. As a result, they cannot understand or relate to other people’s pain or how they cause it.
When someone doesn’t see a direct connection between their behaviors and how others feel, or doesn’t measure the repercussions of those behaviors, they may tend to act in more vindictive ways when they feel hurt.
Common triggers of retaliatory behavior in narcissistic personality disorder
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition with complex cognitive and behavioral processes. It affects the way you see yourself, others, and the world in general.
A person with this condition may interpret situations differently and see them as a challenge or threat to their integrity, even when they are not.
Beneath the apparent sense of superiority, there may also be an exaggerated need to feel accepted and loved, and poor self-esteem.
In this sense, some people with BPD may feel any sign of rejection as a trigger for retaliatory behavior.
These stimuli could be:
Being criticized at work, even if it is constructive
- Challenge their opinions or experiences
Someone else gets all the attention in a given situation
Not getting a promotion, even if they just started working at the place
Someone who does not follow their advice or instructions
A loved one develops a significant other relationship
Have their boss praise someone else’s work
These actions may not be intended for a person with BPD. For example, just because a manager compliments a coworker doesn’t mean he thinks everyone else’s work isn’t good.
But for someone with this disorder, this condition can be seen as a direct threat or challenge to their own worth. This may lead them to feel the need to sabotage a co-worker who is receiving attention, for example.
Dealing with revenge in your relationship
It can be difficult to be in a relationship with someone with a narcissistic personality. It can be especially difficult if they act in a vindictive manner.
Whether it’s a friend, co-worker, family member, or significant other, you may want to do a few things to protect yourself emotionally — and sometimes physically.
Setting boundaries
“The most important way to protect yourself while in a relationship with a narcissist is to set firm boundaries,” Hardy says. “When setting these boundaries, it is important to firmly define your ‘why’ and ground it in what you know to be right based on your values and beliefs.”
Someone with this disorder may try to challenge these boundaries or try to get you to adjust them. Stick to the position.
Any compromise you make will likely benefit them, which, according to Hardy, is an unhealthy compromise.
Also consider maintaining these boundaries, even when they are “family.”
Admittedly, it can be very difficult for some people to set these types of boundaries, especially if the person with BPD is a close family member.
“When the vindictive narcissist is a family member, we often feel obligated to remain committed to the relationship based on predetermined standards,” explains Hardy. “I often hear comments like ‘but that’s my mom’ or ‘we always go there during Thanksgiving.’”
But it does not matter if this relationship is predetermined by genetics.
“When these customary rules are unsafe, they lead to more harm and perpetuate unhealthy cycles,” says Hardy.
For this reason, it is very important that you set the terms of dealing with this person based on your own needs and safety.
Vocalize your terms or boundaries
When you set your own terms, the person with BPD has a chance to understand them and either accept them or leave.
This is a way to play fair and let them know what you will or will not tolerate.
If they can’t accept your boundaries — or repeatedly challenge or confront them, especially in vindictive ways — you can take steps to protect yourself further.
“Stand up for yourself and be assertive,” Henry says. “Don’t let their disrespect for you go unanswered. If they say hateful and disrespectful things to you, and then you have nothing to say… you are validating their position.”
Hardy agrees, saying, “I would recommend moving toward acceptance of what the relationship is not, and exploring other ways to meet similar needs.”
Sometimes, this may mean walking away from the relationship, especially if they are constantly behaving in a way that hurts or hurts you.
Don’t hold yourself accountable
In some relationships with people with narcissistic personality disorder, you may doubt or overly doubt yourself. This may be because some people with narcissistic personalities may use manipulative tactics and games.
“When this happens, there is also a tendency to lose your ‘voice’ in the relationship and always rely on their ‘better’ judgement,” says Hardy. “This has devastating repercussions on one’s confidence and self-esteem.”
Try not to internalize
When someone acts vindictive, they may say things that seek to define you in a certain way. For example: “You are so weak” or “You are always imagining things.”
Consider reminding yourself that they have been hurt and may be trying to hurt you too, given how they inaccurately perceive the situation as a threat.
It is important that she does not internalize these hurtful comments or take responsibility for her behavior.
The way they act is never your fault – no matter what they might say to shift the blame.
Remember that they have a condition that may distort the way they interpret your behavior or any given situation.
Shelter from their anger
This can be very difficult, especially if they say something hurtful towards you. But this is important.
“Attempts to ‘prove them wrong’ during tantrums should be limited,” says Hardy.
You may feel that what they are saying is not true. It may be so. But a person with BPD may never admit it. Trying to convince them may simply escalate the conflict.
Additionally, your anger will serve no useful purpose.
If they say something hurtful or mean to you, don’t respond with an insult or hurtful statement, Henry says.
She adds, “Sometimes the only appropriate response is to calmly remove yourself from the situation and not engage in any response.”
Develop a safety plan
As in any situation where violence may arise, it is highly recommended to have a safety plan.
“The vindictive narcissist is not always physically violent,” says Hardy. “Although they may have exploitative behavior or extreme responses to certain experiences, this does not always mean they will physically abuse you.”
However, if they hurt you – or threaten to do so – it may be a good idea to make a plan to safely leave the relationship.
“None of us has the right to be violent or do violence to another person,” Hardy says.
If you’re not sure how to leave your relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 800-799-SAFE, or chat with them online.
Consider asking for help
It’s normal to feel confused about leaving a relationship with what some call a “revenge narcissist.” For you, they are a friend or family member.
However, it is okay to seek help and emotional support to deal with what is going on in your relationships.
Consider talking to other friends and family members about what you’re going through.
You may also want to consider seeking support from a mental health professional yourself.
“Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be very difficult and challenging,” Hardy says. “Without clear, firm boundaries, psychological impact can be detrimental to your social and emotional health in the long term.”
A counselor, therapist, or other mental health care professional can help you develop practical tips for dealing with your feelings and the relationship.
“Even after a relationship ends, the residual effects can have long-lasting ramifications,” Hardy says.
This is why you may also want to seek support after or if you decide to leave.
