Are you a gossip? I admit I’ve gossiped about people I didn’t like in the past. I was aware of this at the time. The thing is, I’m one of those annoying people who says silly things like “say that to my face” or “I prefer people who speak up.” So why gossip? Why do people gossip?
My experience with people who gossip
“Whoever gossips about you, will gossip about you.” ~Spanish proverb
This is a story. Several years ago, I worked as a commis chef in the kitchen of a pub. I became good friends with the waitress there. We would meet up when a band played at the bar and always have a good time. But there was one thing I didn’t like about her, which was her constant chatter.
She was always talking about people behind their backs. Obviously I knew she wasn’t talking about me, I was her friend. Then the chef burst my bubble. He said she gossips about everyone, even you. I was shocked. Don’t be so naive, he said. Why does she leave you out?
He was right. She talked about friends she had known for years before she met me. Why did you assume I would be exempt?
So why do people gossip? What purpose does it serve? Is there a type of person who gossips? Can gossip be a good thing? What can you do to avoid being malicious gossip?
Although gossip usually has negative associations, there are positive aspects to gossip.
Why do people gossip? 6 psychological reasons
- To disseminate social information
Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar suggests that gossip is uniquely human and, therefore, has important social significance. Dunbar’s theory rings true when you consider that two-thirds of a conversation is social talk.
Our closest primates, apes and great apes, learned how to survive by living in large social groups, social groups similar to humans. Since they are in close proximity to each other, they need to form close bonds to avoid conflict within the group. They do this by taking care of each other, but it takes a long time.
Gossip is faster, more effective, and can reach a larger audience than individual grooming. We tell our friends that there’s a good restaurant in town, or that their favorite store is having a sale, or that someone got robbed near their street. Gossip is used to divulge social information.
- Establish our place in the group
Humans are social animals and live in groups, we know that. But how do we maintain our position within that group? If knowledge is power, then gossip is currency. It allows us to establish our position within our group.
According to social identity theory, people have an innate tendency to want to belong to groups. Being part of certain groups helps build our identities. We are biased toward our own group and set boundaries between other groups.
People from our in-group gossiping about people from the out-group indicates the level of trust of members of our group. We are accepted or our position is maintained within that group.
- To warn others
Do you see that person walking across the road? She talks for hours, I’m just letting you know. Don’t use this plumber, he is robbing people. Oh, I didn’t want to eat at this restaurant, it closed down last year due to rats in the kitchen.
This type of gossip is called social gossip. People with a moral compass tend to share gossip about those who are not trustworthy. They feel they must protect others from unscrupulous workers, bad practices, or fraudulent enterprises.
So gossip may be negative, but it is about people who have behaved in an antisocial manner.
- Connecting with people
“No one goesssips about other people’s secret virtues.” ~Bertrand Russell
“So, I haven’t told anyone this and I really shouldn’t have told you, but I know I can trust you.” If a friend said that to you, how would you feel? Excited for what comes next? A little special? Warm and fuzzy inside?
Well, it all depends on what you say next. A 2006 study reported that sharing negative rather than positive gossip about someone actually promotes closeness between people.
If you don’t believe this, you’re not alone. Study participants couldn’t understand the results either. They insisted that sharing positive attitudes would promote rapprochement, despite evidence to the contrary.
- As a manipulation tactic
“Isn’t it silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up?” ~Sean Covey
I found a recent study on types of gossip called The Bright and Dark Sides of Gossip (2019). It describes the positive and negative motivations for gossip. One interesting detail is how positive gossip is often true, and negative gossip is more likely to be false.
False gossip is another way to spread rumors about someone. The study argues that people targeted by false gossip feel punished and are manipulated to change their behavior.
False gossip also affects the people around the target of the gossip. They adapt their behavior to match the source of the gossip. After all, no one wants to be the next target.
- To feel superior to others
Having a piece of gossip puts you in a position of power, especially if that gossip is disparaging about someone else. Not only do you know something no one else knows, but the thing you know is harmful. As we know, negative gossip strengthens bonds.
By belittling someone, you boost your group’s self-esteem. People use gossip to feel better about themselves. It is a temporary measure that does not last long.
What do you do with people who gossip?
If the gossip is negative and offensive, it may be tempting to fall into the conspiracy side of gossip. Instead of sparking negative gossip, consider the following:
