It’s easy to fall in love. Whether it’s a witty remark, a captivating scent, a warm smile, or a kind gesture, even the simplest things can spark a romance. But in the UK, 42% of marriages end in divorce, and while this figure is declining, it’s still high. So why do people lose love? Is it sudden or gradual?

More importantly, can research help us understand relationship pitfalls so we can make them work?

Why Do People Lose Love? 8 Reasons

1. Unresolved Childhood Issues

Psychiatrist William Mata is a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “Relationship Sabotage.”

Matta says that unresolved parent-child relationship issues are a major cause of losing love. These issues are rooted in childhood, but we suppress them. However, they resurface as we grow older.

Psychoanalyst Melanie Klein describes this as identity projection. We carry these childhood traumas into our current relationships, then wonder why the relationship ended. These unconscious, self-destructive behaviors lead couples to project their unresolved issues onto each other.

In her book “Relationship Sabotage,” Matta reveals how childhood issues contributed to a marital crisis between Charles and Marion.

From a young age, Marion suffered from low self-esteem. Charles found it difficult to trust others. Marion wanted to return to university to regain her confidence, and Charles agreed, until he saw her talking to a male student. His distrust of her surfaced, forcing her to drop out. Thus, her attempt to build self-esteem failed. The childhood traumas they both experienced were the root cause of this crisis.

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Matta argues that if Marion had explained how university helped her build self-confidence and reassured Charles about the male student, he would have realized his distrust was unfounded.

2. Loss of Appreciation

Why does love fade between people? One of the most common reasons is taking them for granted.

Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, a psychologist specializing in family relationships, warns against the dangers of taking one’s partner for granted.

When we first fall in love, we are incredibly kind and gentle. Nothing feels like a burden. Our world revolves around our partner. But as time passes, the romance fades as we become preoccupied with the daily grind, and we stop being considerate and respectful of our partners’ feelings.

“When your relationship is left to automate, the pressures of daily life prevent you from offering compliments, expressing gratitude, or even appreciating acts of care. As respect, consideration, and kindness diminish, so does the love.”

—Jeffrey Bernstein

3. We Stop Talking

How can relationship problems be solved when communication breaks down? One study explores the importance of communication between couples, finding that a decline in communication increases the likelihood of a relationship ending.

The study’s findings identified three levels of communication patterns:

Effective
Moderate
Poor

Furthermore, higher communication levels are associated with more harmonious relationships:

Couples with effective communication were more cooperative.

Couples with average communication were more competitive.

Couples with poor communication were more conflicted.

While some might assume most couples communicate effectively, the study showed that only 12.5% ​​reported effective communication, while 50% reported poor communication.

Other researchers also emphasize the importance of effective communication in relationships.

According to Malone-Colon, effective communication is the “bond of the relationship.” In other words, “effective communication connects individual and collective thoughts, feelings, experiences, dreams, and challenges…”

When you can’t talk to your partner, you can’t tell them about your goals, hopes for the future, fears, or problems. So, how you communicate directly impacts your relationship.

4. Differences in Sexual Desire

Differences in sexual desire are another reason for couples to break up.

Dr. Martha Tara Lee, a sex therapist, says that unmet sexual needs can lead to resentment both inside and outside the bedroom. As you age, your sex drive may change and may not align with your partner’s. One partner may feel rejected, while the other feels pressured.

“If partners have different sexual needs or preferences, it can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction in the relationship.”

Dr. For me

5. Instant Switch Off (ICK)

Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist and senior researcher at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. She’s an expert on the neurological and psychological aspects of romantic relationships. When we’re first attracted to someone, the brain acts like an electric switch.

“It can be switched on and off like a switch. You might feel it one minute and lose it the next.”

Helen Fisher

Fisher says there are three main evolutionary reasons why we fall in love, and love can begin with any of them:

Sexual attraction: Encourages you to seek out multiple sexual partners.

Romantic attraction: Makes you focus on one person.

Attachment: Ensures you stay with a partner long enough to raise children.

However, the very thing that sparked your romantic interest can repel you in an instant. This attraction switch is triggered by the most sensitive stimuli. A sexual joke replaces that clever remark. And the switch switches off. Has that attractive scent become overpowering and unpleasant? It needs to be turned off. This feeling is commonly known as “nausea,” and it can affect you or your partner.

6. You’ve changed

Bonnie Scott is a relationship therapist.

She says that people change as they get older. The young woman who lived a carefree life is very different from the woman in her fifties who has three children, a demanding job, and a mortgage.

“During the course of a long-term relationship, both partners are supposed to grow and change. In some relationships, both partners grow together or in ways that are acceptable to each other. In other relationships, they drift apart.”

Bonnie Scott

7. Different ways of expressing affection

Gary Chapman is the author of “The Five Love Languages.” The five love languages ​​are:

Serving others
Receiving gifts
Spending quality time together
Physical touch
Words of affirmation

Chapman states that everyone has a love language they use to express and receive love. He points out that people may lose love because their preferences don’t align.

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A man might tell his wife how much he loves her, but she might prefer that the children be put to bed so she can rest. The woman longs for a warm embrace from her partner, but he arranges a romantic date instead. For those who need to hear “I love you” to feel loved, gifts seem like a superficial expression of affection.

All five of these languages ​​express the same meaning, “I love you,” but in different ways. If you don’t communicate in your partner’s language, they won’t understand what you’re saying. It’s like telling them how much you love them in Chinese when they only speak French.

8. Personal Sacrifices

All relationships require compromise; one partner sacrifices their own interests for the sake of the relationship. However, studies show that this can be detrimental. How and what type of sacrifice is received is also important.

In a study titled “Sacrifices,” Francesca Righetti and her colleagues discuss the types of sacrifices that have the most negative impact on relationships. The worst kind of sacrifice is when one partner gives up their own goals and desires to improve their partner’s life. This can cause resentment on their part and guilt on the part of their partner.

For example, Susie and Josh are a married couple, and Susie earns significantly more than Josh. Susie gets a promotion, but it means moving to another country. She has two options: either give up the job opportunity or have Josh move with her.

The study shows that if sacrifice has an emotional impact on the person making the sacrifice, it can damage the relationship. However, these negative effects can be mitigated if the recipient shows genuine gratitude.

Conclusion

When love fades between two people, it’s often too late to save the relationship. But recognizing the signs early, discussing problems, and showing appreciation and understanding can prevent the inevitable deterioration of the relationship.