It can be confusing and hurtful to witness a narcissist treating others with more kindness, respect, or admiration than they offer their own partners or close relationships. This behavior, often referred to as “public vs. private narcissism,” serves several purposes for the narcissist, from image management to manipulating the dynamics of their most intimate relationships. Understanding why narcissists treat others better provides insight into their motivations and the underlying strategies they use to maintain control and feed their ego.
1. Image Management: Maintaining a Perfect Public Persona
Narcissists are deeply concerned with how they appear to the outside world. They often go to great lengths to project an image of success, charm, and generosity in public settings. Treating others better in social or professional situations is part of this image management. Narcissists crave admiration and positive attention, and by being courteous, kind, or generous to others, they reinforce the perception that they are likable and respectable.
In private, however, the narcissist’s true self often emerges. Their closest relationships are typically where they feel most secure in unleashing their manipulative, controlling, or abusive behaviors. Since they believe they already “own” or control their partners or close family members, they don’t feel the need to impress or maintain the same positive image. Their focus shifts from charm to control.
2. Devaluation of Close Partners: The Narcissistic Cycle
In narcissistic relationships, there is often a cycle of idealization and devaluation. Early in the relationship, the narcissist may have treated their partner with affection, admiration, and attention, but over time, this shifts to devaluation, where the partner becomes the target of criticism, manipulation, or neglect. Meanwhile, the narcissist may continue treating friends, acquaintances, or even strangers with kindness and respect, leaving the partner feeling confused and devalued.
This devaluation is a tactic designed to erode the partner’s self-esteem and keep them dependent on the narcissist. By creating a contrast between how they treat others and how they treat their partner, the narcissist reinforces the idea that their partner is somehow undeserving or inferior, further controlling the dynamics of the relationship.
3. Manipulation and Control: Isolating the Partner
Treating others better than their partner also serves a manipulative purpose. The narcissist wants their partner to feel insecure and question their own worth. This tactic of comparison can make the partner feel like they are not doing enough, or that they need to work harder to earn the narcissist’s affection and approval. In reality, this is part of the narcissist’s strategy to maintain control and keep their partner emotionally reliant on them.
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By treating others well, the narcissist can also isolate their partner. Friends and family may not believe the partner’s accounts of mistreatment, because to the outside world, the narcissist seems like a wonderful person. This further traps the partner in the toxic relationship, as they feel alone, unsupported, and unable to escape the emotional manipulation.
Conclusion
Narcissists treat others better than their partners for a variety of reasons, including managing their public image, devaluing their intimate partners, and manipulating relationship dynamics. By being charming and considerate to others, narcissists gain admiration and maintain control over their partners by creating feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. Understanding these tactics can help you recognize and protect yourself from the emotional manipulation that is often present in narcissistic relationships. Setting boundaries and seeking support are key to breaking free from this toxic cycle.
