It’s often said that all families are dysfunctional in some way. If that’s true, then narcissistic families must be among the most dysfunctional.

If one or both parents in a family have narcissistic personality disorder, they will put their own emotional needs before those of their children.

This can certainly cause some tension among other family members — in fact, research shows that children of narcissistic parents are at greater risk for mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety.

But what is this “tension” I’m talking about here? What happens in a narcissistic family that other families don’t?

While there’s very little research in this area, we do have accounts from people who grew up in narcissistic households — and from the therapists who treat them. Some common themes have emerged. As trauma counselor Shannon Thomas told INSIDER in 2019:

“[Narcissistic parents] triangulate siblings, they spin stories, they tell half-truths, and you start to see a pattern, just like in a romantic relationship, of how this mess is created.”

One of the “patterns” Thomas is referring to here is called the “golden child/scapegoat dynamic.” Here’s what we know about the golden child/scapegoat dynamic and how it impacts families.

goldenchild/scapegoat

As I said earlier, narcissistic parents put their own needs before those of their children. In fact, their need to be in control and at the center of attention is sometimes the reason they choose to have children in the first place.

To meet these needs and obtain their narcissistic supply, narcissistic parents sometimes push their children into specific roles within the family.

Related : The Toxic Narcissistic Family Dynamics Explained

Two common roles that have been identified are the “golden child” and the “scapegoat.”

Let’s take a look at the characteristics of each role, and see what they actually entail.

GoldenChildCharacteristics

The role of the golden child is exactly what it sounds like – they are the narcissistic parent’s favorite child. However, this is not a normal preference – as is often the case with narcissists, it is taken to extreme levels.

Most of the time, the golden child can do no wrong. Anything they do well will be celebrated with enthusiasm.

The narcissist will go overboard with praise for small successes. Did they win the diving competition? “That’s great, you’re so talented!”

Did they get a C in English? “Great job, you’re so smart!” Did they tell a joke at the dinner table? “That’s funny, you’re so funny!”

The golden child is often chosen for this role because they possess some trait or ability that might reflect well on the narcissist.

He may be the most attractive of their children, excel in school, or have some potential in a skill such as a sport or musical instrument.

But this is not always the case, and sometimes the child who simply identifies with the narcissistic parent becomes the golden child.

Characteristics of the #Scapegoat

Scapegoating is a group dynamic where one person is singled out by the rest of the group, and becomes the target of blame, abuse, and other negative treatment. Again, unfortunately, this is taken to the extreme by narcissistic parents.

While the golden child can do nothing wrong, the scapegoat can do nothing right. Did they win the diving competition?

“Did you? Well. By the way, we’re going to have to stop your diving lessons, we can’t afford them and your sister’s violin lessons.” Did they get a C in English? “Is that it? Why am I not surprised?” Tell a joke at the dinner table? “That was terrible, maybe you should just shut up.”

The nature and severity of the abuse varies from family to family, depending on the type of narcissist we are talking about, and how severe the NPD is.

Verbal abuse is often reported as direct and obvious insults, blame, and berating, but in more extreme cases there may also be physical abuse.

In other cases, the abuse may be more subtle. Take the diving example above.

The narcissist failed to praise his child for something he did well, and then took away his diving lessons to prevent him from doing it again.

They may have done this so that the scapegoat would steal the spotlight from the golden child – but they would never admit it.

GoldenChildScapegoatRelationship

As you can well imagine, the relationship between golden children and scapegoats is likely to be strained at best, but often downright toxic. This is due to how golden children treat scapegoats.

In some cases, especially when the golden child identifies with the narcissistic parent, or has a narcissistic side, they will join in the abuse directed at the scapegoat.

This is clearly not the basis for a healthy relationship, and the narcissistic parent will do nothing to bridge this gap. In fact, they are likely to encourage competition and hostility, using triangulation as a tool of control.

ScapegoatChildSyndrome

When we are stressed, neglected and abused early in life, it can have long-term effects on us.

In one study of 21,000 people in Australia, those who had been abused as children were more likely to have poor mental health, particularly anxiety and depression, and poor physical health, including a higher risk of heart disease. What was striking about this study was that all of the participants were over the age of 60. “The effects of childhood abuse appear to be lifelong,” the researchers concluded.

In the case of a child who is being victimized in a narcissistic family, some other more specific issues may arise.

Some have referred to these issues as “victimized child syndrome,” although it is not a recognized condition in the same way that disorders like depression are. Psych Central lists some of the longer-term effects that a victimized child may experience:

1) A changed perspective on relationships/difficulty trusting others.

2) Internalizing negative opinions that are imposed on them, leading to excessive self-criticism.

3) Feeling little or no belonging, due to not having experienced a safe and stable family life.

4) Damaging their sense of self.

5) Repeating the pattern—they may be drawn to friends and romantic partners who are controlling or narcissistic.

GoldenChildSyndrome

Again, “scapegoat child syndrome” is not a recognized condition—it’s something that has come up on the internet, and it’s a label given to the negative effects of being a golden child.

Negative effects? Yes, you read that right. You might think that life is pretty great for golden children – and as far as the daily abuse goes, that’s almost certainly true. However, there are downsides to this role as well. The School of Life offers some examples:

They are never taught that flaws and weaknesses are normal. In order to thrive in life, we need to be able to make mistakes. We need to learn that we will be forgiven, and that the love and appreciation we receive from others will not be affected if we make a mistake. This is known as “psychological safety.” But the golden child often hides his mistakes and flaws. As a result, he can become terrified of future failure.

Insecurity. If you are praised lavishly and told that you are special, talented, outstanding, etc., it is usually in response to something you have done. However, narcissists shower the golden child with such praise without him doing anything to justify it. This is called “over-appreciation.” The problem here is that the golden child needs this praise, but doesn’t know why he deserves it. This can cause insecurity because he has no basis for knowing if praise will come in the future.

Lack of control. Being a golden child comes with responsibilities – namely, taking care of the needs of the narcissistic parent. They are an extension of their parent, and are not allowed to be themselves. Because of this, they may struggle to develop an identity of their own.

Guilt. Remember, they are still children. They are pushed into the role by the narcissistic parent, and they live with it because they lack the maturity to understand anything different. However, as they grow older, some become extremely guilty when they realize that they were complicit in the abuse of the scapegoat child.

But there is another potential effect of being a golden child that we should discuss…

Does a Golden Child Become a Narcissist?

Although there is very little research on these two family roles, there is reason to believe that children placed in the golden child role are at a higher risk of developing Narcissistic Personality Disorder – certainly compared to the scapegoat. Here’s why.

The development of disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a bit like baking a cake (although the result is much less enjoyable).

To bake a cake, you need to put the right ingredients together (flour, eggs, sugar, etc.), then put it in the right environment (a hot oven), for the right amount of time.

If you use sawdust instead of flour, you won’t get a cake – no matter how long you bake it.

Likewise, if you mix flour, eggs, and sugar together, then put it in the fridge instead of the oven, you won’t get a cake.

And so it is with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The “ingredients” of Narcissistic Personality Disorder are genetic – a specific set of genes work together to produce the psychological and behavioral effects we call narcissism.

We all inherit half our genes from our mothers, and the other half from our fathers. So it’s really a roll of the dice when it comes to whether or not children of narcissists inherit these genetic ingredients.

Research so far suggests that these genes are essential for the development of NPD – or at least, increase the likelihood of it.

If the golden child doesn’t inherit these ingredients, it’s like mixing sawdust with eggs and sugar – and you don’t make a cake.

If the children do inherit these genes, they have the right ingredients, but they still need to be “baked”. So what’s the equivalent of a hot oven in this analogy? What environmental factors might “activate” these genes, and cause NPD to develop?

One of the main factors identified in the research is parental over-praise – this is where parents shower their children with praise, even when they’ve done nothing to justify it.

If you’re thinking, “That sounds exactly like the golden child description,” you’re right – it is!

The theory goes like this – when children are constantly told that they’re special and better than everyone else, but they don’t understand why, the only way they can get that feeling of being special is through praise. So, the child develops a need for verbal praise from others.

At the same time, the fact that the narcissistic parent doesn’t offer unconditional love or affection creates low self-esteem.

They don’t know when or how praise will come, so they start learning how to elicit it from others through things like bragging and lying. If you’re thinking, “That sounds like a narcissist,” you’re right again!

Some research also suggests that siblings of abused children show lower levels of empathy than usual. Siblings with low empathy may end up being the ones to join in the scapegoat’s abuse.

But researchers also suggest that it may be the other way around—siblings who engage in abuse may end up with less empathy.

Related : 6 Honest Ways to Make a Narcissist Tell the Truth

For example, a child may suppress their empathy to hide the fact that they are abusing themselves—to avoid the guilt and self-shame that this can cause.

Since poor empathy is another feature of NPD, this illustrates another possible reason why we might expect golden children to develop NPD more than scapegoats.

However, there is another important thing to note here: the influence of the second parent can be crucial.

If the second parent is not a narcissist and can show the golden child the warmth they don’t get from the parent with NPD, while also not engaging in over-appreciation, they may act as a buffer against the development of NPD.

What happens to the golden child when the scapegoat leaves?

Although it may seem strange, there are some advantages to being a scapegoat child.

Although they receive the brunt of narcissistic abuse, the golden child is certainly more controlling—they have greater expectations placed on them.

Their role is to serve the narcissist’s needs and give them something to brag about. Because the narcissist has a low opinion of the scapegoat, the expectations placed on them are lower.

The golden child in this dynamic is also subject to manipulation and abuse. But the abuse is more subtle and more confusing. They may not really realize what is happening, and they may not see their situation as unfavorable, at least to the scapegoat.

This means that the scapegoat has the greatest incentive and opportunity to leave the toxic family environment of both roles.

When they do leave, they may also gain a stronger sense of their true identity with them—something they may not fully develop, as they are being shaped by the narcissist.

So what happens when the scapegoat child is gone?

The authors of Silence Is Not Okay suggest that conflict in the family can increase after the scapegoat child is gone.

As we will see, the scapegoat child can act as a pressure relief valve. When that valve is removed, the anger the narcissist was previously directing at the scapegoat will find alternative targets.

They may also find someone else to fill the scapegoat role. If the narcissist created the golden scapegoat child dynamic in the first place, it may be because he or she needs it (we will discuss these needs in a moment). So, with the family now scapegoated, what does the narcissist do?

Well, the original scapegoat often remains the scapegoat, even if he or she is no longer physically present.

Just as Napoleon did with Snowball in George Orwell’s Animal Farm, the narcissist may continue to use, blame, and humiliate the scapegoat, even in his or her absence.

If there are more children in the family, another sibling may take on the mantle of scapegoat, and in some cases, the roles may be swapped.

Can a Golden Child Become a Scapegoat?

It is important to note that the two roles we are discussing here say more about the parent who assigns them than they do about the characteristics of the children themselves.

Some of the people who reported their experiences said that the roles were more flexible in their families.

They were based on which child was the flavor of the month—in other words, which child was most effective at providing narcissistic supply and most able to avoid triggering narcissistic injury.

While it is common for roles to be more fixed than flexible, a fixed role is not necessarily permanent.

A narcissist’s opinion of someone is often influenced more by his or her recent interactions with that person than by a long-term, rational assessment of their interactions over time.

So, if the golden child is able to cause a sufficiently traumatic narcissistic injury, they could certainly find themselves out of this role and perhaps the new scapegoat of the family.

Of course, the action that would lead to such a role change would vary from person to person, but imagine if the golden child directly challenged the narcissist’s abuse of the scapegoat – it’s hard to imagine them staying in this role for long after something like that.

Why do narcissists have a golden child and a scapegoat child?

Before we get into that, let me make a quick little aside. This family dynamic is not guaranteed to occur in families with narcissistic parents.

At the time of writing, there is little research on these roles, so we don’t know for sure how common they are.

The main thing we have to rely on is people’s reports, and that can make the dynamic seem more common than it actually is.

For example, how many accounts have you read online or offline where someone has said, “I grew up in a family with a narcissistic parent, and we didn’t have a scapegoat or a golden child.”?

I’ve read some comments about this effect, but not many. But is it because this dynamic is so common, or is it because people who haven’t experienced it don’t talk about it as much?

We have no way of knowing. One fair assumption we can make is that this dynamic is more likely to occur in people with more severe NPD, especially those we might classify as “malignant narcissists.”

We would expect to see it less often in narcissists with less severe symptoms of NPD, and much less often in people who are narcissistic but don’t meet the criteria for NPD.

So the main driver behind this dynamic will be the intensity of the parent’s narcissism. But just remember that not all narcissists have NPD, and not all narcissists with NPD have malignant narcissism.

Anyway, now that we’ve made that clear, let’s explore why a parent with NPD might be so inclined to push their children into this…

Why do narcissists have a scapegoat child?

Here are some possibilities as to why narcissists might have a scapegoat child.

EmotionalStun

When one key family member puts their needs (by a wide margin) ahead of everyone else’s, it can create dynamics where tension, fear, and conflict are more common.

Now, for narcissists, image is everything — and that applies even within the family, where they are largely in control.

Since narcissists see themselves as largely perfect, they face a bit of a dilemma here – if they are so great, why is there tension and conflict within the family?