Narcissists may play the victim if they think they gain something from making you feel guilty. Their tendency to use manipulative tactics is one of the formal symptoms of a narcissistic personality.

Have you ever played the victim? If so, do you remember the emotional need you were trying to satisfy or express while doing this? The same applies to people with a narcissistic personality, but they may feel this way more often.

It may be difficult for you to think of a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as a victim or someone who feels like one.

After all, a person with a narcissistic personality is often viewed as someone with a great sense of self and an unlimited need for power.

So, what does it mean when a narcissist plays the victim? Is it on purpose? Is it a manipulation tactic? Do they really believe they are being victimized?

Narcissistic personality disorder — often referred to as “narcissism” — is a complex mental health condition and not at all a personal choice. There are many reasons why a narcissist plays the victim, and the type of narcissism he lives with may be one of them.

Narcissistic personality disorder and victim mentality

Research conducted in 2003 suggests that people with a high degree of narcissism may see themselves as victims of personal transgressions more than people without the disorder.

In a 2020 qualitative study, relatives of people with narcissistic personalities reported that their loved ones often displayed a victim mentality.

It is not always clear whether narcissists truly feel like a victim or are just playing the victim to adjust social interactions to their advantage.

If you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, you may have noticed that they lack self-awareness and self-reflection.

In general, people with narcissistic personalities have difficulty recognizing their behaviors and how they affect others. They may not be able to “see” it even when you point it out.

This is why they may feel attacked when you contradict them or tell them they did something wrong. This is inconsistent with their inflated sense of self.

This is part of the complexity of narcissistic personality disorder.

A tendency toward low introspection combined with an exaggerated sense of superiority may leave them unable to see a situation in a way that does not fit their worldview.

As a result, they may “play the victim” in some scenarios.

The reason why a narcissist plays the victim may be directly related to some of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder:

Sense of entitlement
Denial and lack of insight
greatness
prediction
The need for control
Narcissistic rage
Low empathy

But not everyone who plays the victim has a narcissistic personality. Not everyone with a narcissistic personality plays the victim either.

Here is more in-depth information on why narcissists play the victim:

Sense of entitlement

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may have a strong sense of entitlement. This means that they may believe that they are inherently deserving of special treatment, recognition, and privileges.

When things don’t go their way, they may react with anger and feel the need to blame others for “messing things up.”

A sense of entitlement may also lead someone with a narcissistic personality to believe that anything they do for you is the greatest.

If they feel they are not getting enough praise and appreciation for this action, they may act like a victim: “I can’t believe you’re acting like this after everything I’ve done for you!”

In this case, the narcissist may move from playing the hero to playing the victim.

Defensive machines

Everyone uses defense mechanisms in different circumstances and for different reasons. We don’t usually realize when a defense mechanism is activated but it serves a purpose.

Sometimes, it protects us from remembering painful experiences; Other times, it may help us deal with perceived threats to our identity, integrity, and sense of self.

People with narcissistic personality disorder may also use specific defense mechanisms to protect themselves from emotional pain.

Some people with this disorder live with delusions of grandeur. These are false beliefs about themselves that may make them feel like they are nothing less than superheroes and invincible.

Grandiosity is a similar defense mechanism whereby someone has a sense of power and self-importance, often not based on actual facts.

A person with a narcissistic personality may have developed these beliefs to compensate for traumatic childhood experiences.

For this reason, self-esteem built on these false beliefs may be what doctors call fragile. This means that it is likely to change depending on external factors.

If a person with delusions of grandeur or grandiosity is faced with a situation in which they are not seen as the hero they believe they are, they may justify it by saying that someone else is trying to hurt them.

This “bad guy” versus “victim” train of thought may serve to soothe their distress.

For example, they may believe that they are the smartest and most capable member of the team. But if someone else gets a raise or promotion, he thinks he deserves more, and this may be interpreted as jealousy of his boss.

“They’re nervous that I’ll eventually get a promotion, so they’d rather sabotage me and help someone else instead.”

Another common defense mechanism in narcissism is projection. This occurs when one person unconsciously “projects” their feelings or reality onto another person. “It’s not me, it’s them.”

For example, you may feel threatened in some way by a co-worker, but perceive the situation as being jealous of you.

Projection is not something you fake or pretend to be. You really believe it. In this case, projection may sometimes explain why narcissists play the victim.

For example, if a person with BPD is highly competitive to the point of sabotaging another person to get ahead, they may believe that the other person is trying to sabotage them.

For them, a difference of opinion expressed during a work meeting with their boss may be interpreted as an attempt by a coworker to hurt them. In this scenario, they may believe that they are a victim of someone else’s bad intentions.

The need for control

Some people with narcissistic personality disorder have a strong need for control, and sometimes, playing the victim can serve this purpose.

If you’re arguing with someone who feels they’re being attacked, you’ll likely back down and soften your stance.

You may also be more flexible about some things if the other person tells you that you are not being fair or kind to them.

If someone with a narcissistic personality plays the victim, they may have developed this manipulation tactic to protect themselves and maintain control when other methods fail.

It’s also possible – according to 2014 research – that emotionally intelligent people with narcissistic personality disorder know how to regulate their emotions better and read the emotions of others. This will make it easier for them to play a role (such as the victim) that they know may “get to you.” In some cases, these people are called dark empaths.

anger

It can sometimes be difficult for people with narcissistic personality disorder to accept criticism or rejection. This may make them react in several ways, one of which is anger.

In this case, experts refer to it as narcissistic rage or narcissistic collapse.

One aspect of anger is the feeling of being a victim of another person’s attacks. “I’m angry because you attacked me.”

Another aspect is that even when a narcissist does not feel like someone else’s victim, he or she may realize that playing this role may cause others to step back and take back what angered them in the first place.

In other words, if you feel like someone is doing something you don’t like, and it makes you angry, playing the victim can make the other person change their ways.

Each person will respond differently.

Some narcissists may lash out or retaliate when they feel angry, while others play the victim instead.

Low empathy

Guilt is a human emotion that tends to keep us in check. In balance, guilt may act as a deterrent to antisocial behavior.

Research suggests that some people with vulnerable and grandiose narcissism may not feel guilty in some situations. This may make them more likely to use manipulative tactics to get what they want.

Low empathy also makes it difficult for a person with BPD to understand where you are coming from. This may lead them to think that you are attacking them.

For example, if you express how hurt you are about something they did, they may not see it your way. They may not understand why this behavior hurts you. For them, you can complain and treat them unfairly.

In this scenario, they may think of themselves as a victim, even if you only say you are hurt or upset.

Low empathy may also cause people to use psychological games — such as playing the victim — to get what they want, even if they get hurt.

How to protect yourself

Even if you understand that narcissistic personality disorder is a complex mental health condition and not a personal choice, it can be difficult for someone to repeatedly feel or act like a victim.

You may hope that they will change or get out of it. You can even try to convince them to change their ways.

While this may work for someone who does not have the condition and is playing the victim, it is unlikely to work for someone with BPD.

Some narcissistic people develop new social skills with the help of a mental health professional. However, it can often be difficult for them to continue treatment.

In the meantime, learning to recognize the games they might be playing, and setting clear boundaries can help you cope.

Here are some tips to consider if the narcissist is playing the victim:

Try not to take it personally. This is not easy at all, but with practice you can do it.
Don’t take the bait. If possible, walk away every time they treat you like the bad guy.
Don’t get it. They may say some hurtful things when they play the victim, but those words do not define you.
Don’t make them perfect. It’s normal to second-guess yourself and think about whether you’re really abusing them. Trust their actions more than their words.
Don’t get involved. It is not uncommon to react the same way someone treats you. However, avoid the need to play the victim with them, even if they are not really being fair to you.

Let’s recap

The reason why a narcissist plays the victim depends on the situation and the type of narcissism he or she is experiencing.

Playing the victim or feeling like a victim may stem from low self-esteem, low empathy, or a need for control.

In each case, because narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition, this behavior is related to the symptoms that define the disorder and not by personal choice.

Understanding this may be a first step toward dealing with this behavior. In other cases, it may be necessary for you to set clear boundaries or walk away from the relationship.