In a world where love must connect, some links become chains. Explore the art of letting go of toxic family members and blaze a path toward healing, self-discovery, and the freedom to thrive.
It is often difficult to make the decision to leave abusive family relationships. This article discusses when to make this decision.
Cutting out toxic family members – when to leave them
Ruth consulted with me because she was at a loss about what to do about her mother, brother, and son.
Since Ruth was born, she has never felt like she belongs to her family. Her mother ignored Ruth, clearly favored her brother, and allowed her brother to continually beat Ruth. Ruth had some relationships with her father, but he was a weak man and never stood up for or protected her.
Ruth was a loving child and tried in every possible way to please her mother and brother, but to no avail. She could never understand why her family didn’t love her.
Read 12 Signs of an Emotional Masochist: Is This You?
As an adult, she married an emotionally unavailable man, a man who closely resembled her mother. As with her mother and brother, she tried in many ways to get his love and never succeeded. Her son, Dylan, was eight years old when they separated.
Dylan always seemed to favor his father, and finally went to live with his father when he was sixteen. Once again, Ruth was completely in the dark about why her son didn’t love her. She was a devoted mother, so why did he reject her?
Finally Ruth married again, this time to a loving man, and had another child. Her current family was completely different from her previous family and from her original family.
However, she still hopes to establish a relationship with her mother. She sent her mother birthday and Christmas cards, but rarely heard from her.
Related: How to Deal with Being Ignored: 7 No-Nonsense Steps
The final blow that prompted her to seek my help came when she discovered that her son had gotten married without telling her, and that her brother had moved her mother into a nursing home and sold everything without telling her.
Ruth was a shining light of love. Her eyes, her smile, her movements all radiate love and compassion. Her gentle and peaceful nature was evident at first glance.
“Why? Why don’t they like me?” she asked.
I told her: “Because you are a giver and they are a taker.” “Givers care about others, while takers only want to take from others.
You can never give enough to a care recipient to get any care, because they don’t love themselves. They reject themselves and try to get others to give to them.
Because they have abandoned themselves emotionally, they are angry at others for not doing enough for them. Your mother and brother were united in taking from you, as was your first husband and your son.
Related: ‘I Have No Friends’: Why You Feel This Way & What to Do
They look at you and see a fountain of love coming out of you and they want it, but they are unable to receive it. Your light contradicts their darkness and they hate you for it.
“But what can I do?”
“Nothing but not being around them. They’ll suck the life out of you if you let them spend time with you. I know you care about them, but they’re incapable of caring about themselves or you, so you have to let them go.”
It is not your best self to be with people who are unable to value you, and who only want to take from you.
“But can’t I help them?”
“No, because they don’t ask for help. I know you think that if you love them enough, they will heal you and love you again, but that will never happen because they are not open to loving you.
They feel inadequate in the face of your open heart and their closed hearts, and they take their self-judgment out on you. There is nothing you can to do to help them open their hearts. Only they can do that.
Your mother or brother is unlikely to open their hearts, but perhaps your son will in time. He will come to you if he does.
“But I have a great life now. Isn’t it selfish of me to let them go to an abusive family?”
“No, it’s self-responsibility. It’s not loving yourself to be around people who treat you badly.
Ruth understood. I felt sad but relieved. She finally saw that all she could do was pray that they would open their hearts.
If you’re thinking about escaping a toxic family, here’s a related video about the power of letting go of a toxic family:
