One of the most common problems with narcissism is a central focus on oneself. Narcissists can pretend to care and be compassionate towards others. The truth is that they are selfish, and have a real need to put themselves first, even at the expense of those they depend on for emotional support and well-being.

Early Years

Children raised by narcissistic mothers, especially daughters of narcissistic mothers, grow up in a hostile and destructive emotional environment. In this type of relationship, the narcissistic mother sees her daughter as a reflection of herself, meaning that the child is expected to be perfect in everything she does, which is ultimately impossible.

The mother is unable to care for the child’s emotional needs but instead sees the children as an extension of herself. There are literally no boundaries in the mother’s mind between herself and her child or children. The mother is trying to create a miniature version of herself, which is impossible due to the child’s developmental stage.

No matter how hard the child struggles, he or she cannot be what the mother asks of him or her. This creates anger and hostility towards the child as the mother sees the child’s inability as a failure. Punishment, emotional isolation, and even threats of abandonment are all common. At the same time, the narcissist is quick to detect any signs of independence or individuality in the daughter, which are seen as a threat or a negative reflection on the narcissist.

In addition to this, there is the narcissist’s inability to be emotionally present for the child. The child simply does not feel cared for and loved, and the relationship with the parent is often described as cold, clinical, or distant. This is often in stark contrast to the relationship the child may have with the other parent or grandparent. If the child attempts to reach out to create an emotional connection, they are immediately rejected by the mother, the person the daughter feels the need to connect with most.

Older Children

With older children, and again, with increasing influence on daughters, the narcissistic mother works to undermine the self-esteem of the child and adolescent. This is done through constant shaming for not living up to the standards set by the mother, which are often a reflection of her own inadequacy.

In addition to the constant shame and blame, the narcissistic mother also maintains control over all aspects of her daughter’s life, diminishing the girl’s ability to be independent and autonomous from her mother. The girl must love what the mother loves and live her life as the mother sees fit. At the same time, the mother may physically abuse her daughter, or lavish all of her attention on a male child in the family. The mother may actually see her daughter as competition, depriving her of the full love and attention of her husband or partner, as well as the other children.

Unfortunately, the fathers or partners in the family are often dysfunctional as well, and may be extremely passive in order to avoid confrontation with the narcissist. This leaves the young girl without any emotional support or someone to balance out the negative and hostile emotional environment.

With this type of emotional experience, children of a narcissistic mother often move into codependent relationships with a narcissist. The partner simply replaces the mother, not because the individual wants to continue being passive, but because that is all they have ever known.