One of the most common problems with narcissism is a central focus on the self. Narcissists can feign concern and compassion toward others. The truth is that they are selfish, and have a real need to put themselves first, even at the expense of those who depend on them for emotional support and well-being.

Theearlyyears

Children raised by narcissistic mothers, especially daughters of narcissistic mothers, grow up in a hostile and destructive emotional environment. In this type of relationship, the narcissistic mother sees her daughter as a personal reflection of herself, which means that the child is expected to be perfect in everything she does, which is ultimately impossible.

The mother is unable to care for the emotional needs of the child but instead sees the children as extensions of herself. There are literally no boundaries in a mother’s mind between her and her child or children. The mother is trying to create a miniature version of herself, which is impossible due to the child’s stage of development.

No matter how much difficulty the child faces, he cannot be what the mother demands. This creates anger and hostility towards the child as the mother sees the child’s inability to fail. Punishment, emotional isolation, and even the threat of abandoning the child are all common. At the same time, the narcissist is quick to notice any signs of independence or individualism in the daughter, which is seen as a threat or a negative reflection on the narcissist.

Coupled with this is the narcissist’s inability to be emotionally present for the child. The child simply does not have the feeling that he is cared for and loved, and the relationship with the parents is often described as cold, clinical or distant. This is often in stark contrast to the relationship a child may have with the other parent or grandparent. If the child tries to communicate emotionally, he will be immediately rejected by the mother, the same person with whom the daughter feels the need to communicate the most.

Older children

With older children, and again, with increasing influence on daughters, the narcissistic mother undermines the child’s and adolescent’s self-esteem. This is done through constant shame for not adhering to the standards set by the mother, which is often a reflection of her own personal inability.

In addition to constant shame and blame, the narcissistic mother also maintains control over all aspects of her daughter’s life, reducing the girl’s ability to be independent and autonomous from her mother. The girl must love what her mother loves and live her life as the mother sees fit. At the same time, the mother may physically abuse her daughter, or give all her attention to a male child in the family. The mother may actually view her daughter as a competitor, depriving her of the full love and attention of her husband or partner, as well as other children.

Unfortunately, parents or family partners are often dysfunctional as well, and may be too passive to avoid confrontation with the narcissist. This leaves the young girl without any emotional support or anyone to balance out the negative and hostile emotional environment.

With this type of emotional experience, children of a narcissistic mother often move into codependent relationships with a narcissist. The partner simply takes the place of the mother, not because the individual wants constant negativity, but because that is all he or she has ever known.