Justify. Who turned off the heat?
Why did you let the fire go out?
Can someone hand me my jacket?
It’s cold, right? Life with a narcissist is cold, and sometimes just when you think you might melt, the bitter cold returns.
It’s no joke; it’s a lonely place if you’re a warm, kind, and loving person.
The question I get asked a lot is: Why? Why are they cold? What exactly is that?
Because I get asked a lot, I wanted to clear it up for all of you.
There… But Not
The lights are on, but no one’s home, right?
This is what you might usually hear when someone refers to someone else as unintelligent, but it can also apply to narcissists.
Related : Signs You Are Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
The light is on in the house. It looks warm, but it’s not. It’s cold, and no matter what you do, nothing warms the house properly.
You know, when I’m drowning in the vortex of narcissism, I waste hours scratching my head and wondering how narcissists—human beings—can be so cold.
The idea of intentionally hurting. Friends. Family. Husbands. Wives. Lovers. Girlfriends. Anyone.
It’s completely unhinged.
And Over Time?
When you encounter a narcissist, what makes the whole situation more problematic?
Time!
No one can tell me that a long marriage to a narcissistic spouse will be good for their health—emotionally, mentally, or even physically. That’s simply impossible.
Think about cold for a minute.
Studies strongly suggest that a two-minute dip in ice water actually boosts health. In. Out. Awesome.
Would you stay in an ice bath for an hour? All morning? All day?
No, you wouldn’t—and no one recommends you do!
The cold gets worse the longer you stay in it, and I’m being specific about using that for humans too!
Soon, their cold feelings will become a part of your daily life.
They’ll be the reason you give up so easily even if you try. They’ll be the reason you doubt yourself and your abilities.
The narcissist’s cold feelings are what will eventually make you sick.
Effort To Impress Strangers… Why?!
Have you ever noticed how the narcissist in your life is more concerned with pleasing strangers than you are?
I don’t need to know what you represent to the narcissist, but I do know that you’re no stranger. Yet, here they are, vying for the attention and trust of someone they’ve never met before over you. In fact, you may not even be present while they’re debriefing—you’re insignificant.
Related : These 8 Things Make Covert Narcissists So Dangerous
Narcissists love making first impressions. They want to win people over, and if a passing stranger only sees them for 30 seconds, they want to make those 30 seconds count.
Why?
So they assume the stranger will think:
What a nice person!
What a great dad!
What a supermom!
What a fun person!
They were so friendly!
If only I’d known them!
So the stranger can go home and remember how wonderful the encounter was—and how the narcissist made it so.
They don’t need to impress their abuser…
…They’ve been through it and done it.
They_Don’t_Know_What_Love_Is
This doesn’t mean they ever wanted to know.
In fact, I’d wager that all narcissists as children desperately craved love and attention and never received it. And if they did, it was due to mundane circumstances.
The desire for love without receiving a sufficient dose of it leaves anyone ignorant of what it truly is.
Even the most compassionate people craved it as children and probably fought hard to receive even a fraction of it in return. It’s no surprise that they find the narcissists’ vulgar behavior seductive.
But narcissists?
Narcissists don’t know love, and they’re afraid to discover it. As a result, they do their best to repel it after a certain point, when it starts to get too deep.
Related ;: 10 Twisted Ways Narcissists Show They Love You
So every time you try to connect with them and get close, they won’t want to know.
Every time you do them a favor and tell them how much you love them, they’ll scoff, shrug, and say things like, “You know how I feel about you, why do you need me to tell you every day?”
And yes, you’ll feel completely frustrated. You’ll ask yourself, “What’s wrong with me?”
I assure you, it’s not you!
The narcissist is cold and does his best to stay in that cold water. He’s not interested in gradualism because that means one thing…
Vulnerability? Forget it
You guessed it!
Vulnerability is where you’ll never find a narcissist comfortable.
I’m going to give you a little glimpse into true vulnerability through a story.
Jennifer was a narcissist, not that she’d ever tell you. She loved not being alone, but she hated being vulnerable with anyone she was with.
Once, Jennifer fell in love with a man named Steve, as much as her narcissism allowed her.
She let him in, and she found herself deeply interested in this man who made her feel special. Although she hated to admit it publicly, she enjoyed his company.
Related : Is The Narcissist You Know a Psychopath?
One day, Steve decided to leave and travel. Jennifer couldn’t go because she had her own business and couldn’t leave it.
Steve left anyway.
The pain Jennifer felt at being abandoned by someone she loved brought back the same emotional pain she’d felt as a child. Her parents were never home, and she hated grieving that even more than she hated being alone.
From then on, she promised herself she’d never love again, or allow herself to be vulnerable enough to feel that pain again.
You know, what Jennifer’s story should tell you is that narcissists are cold people because they don’t want to remember what they felt as a child. It was too painful.
Feeling Alone
Every victim feels lonely in their relationship because their needs weren’t met.
The need to:
- Be loved
- To be appreciated
- To be valued
- To be worthy of keeping promises
- To be honest with
- To be loyal with
- To be happy with
The narcissist’s coldness will destroy all these desires – and no matter how hard you try – you will never get them.
