“Why am I single? Everything else in my life is going great. I’ve gotten rid of fake friends. I have healthy, meaningful relationships in my life and a successful career, and I’ve worked hard to become someone I want to date. What’s wrong with me?
Is there something I’m missing?!”
Does any of this sound familiar?
I’ve written about this before, but I get asked this question so often that I wanted to revisit “Why am I single?” and dig deeper into the reasons why (especially if you consider yourself attractive).
I know and coach so many people who seem to have it all. They have great families and strong friends; they’re successful at work; they even find time to travel, pursue hobbies, and do whatever they enjoy. They’ve achieved personal and professional goals and have a great life in all areas that match their Instagram profile.
They also feel unfulfilled.
Why?
They’re unable to find success in the area that matters most to them: true love.
The question “Why am I single?” becomes a question that becomes a question that seems to be a little bit more complicated. It’s even more confusing and frustrating when you consider yourself a bargain.
Being successful in every other aspect of your life only highlights the lack of the one thing you could trade all your surrounding success for (a mutual, connected relationship with your soulmate).
We’re heading into summer. And while the holidays can be super exciting and challenging (especially if you’re going through a breakup, dealing with toxic family members at gatherings, or still searching for your soulmate and wondering, “Why am I single?”), Summer is a particularly difficult time for many people. It seems like everyone has these great plans for the summer. And it seems like they’re all having fun; partying, vacationing, half-dressed, meeting new people, and forgetting about you.
Dating apps only add to your anxiety and make you wonder if you’ll ever find “the one.” It feels like there’s no other option but to settle down at this point. And yet, there’s no one to settle down with.
The question of “Why am I single?” becomes a constant. It’s even harder when you see your toxic ex or the wrong people in your life hooking up.
How can they all find someone and you can’t?
When I think back to the times in my life when I thought, “Why am I single if I’m such a person?”, there are a lot of reasons I wasn’t even aware of.
Here are some reasons why you might still be single…
A distorted belief system
I believed I was still single for a variety of reasons. I hadn’t met the right person yet, but I had built a life I was proud of and my standards were high! I was picky, I needed to be more positive, more patient, etc. There were so many contradictions and different reasons behind this.
I truly believed that I would attract the relationship of my dreams as long as I maintained a positive attitude, enjoyed my life, stayed active, focused on what I wanted in a partner, and never accepted anything less. While all of this sounds great and none of it is “bad” in theory, this approach failed me in every way.
Related : Should I Call Him? To Call Or To Not Call Your Ex Boyfriend
I had been insulting my intelligence through avoidance, denial, and delusion. I did this by not only failing to recognize my destructive patterns but also being a victim of the suffering I was causing myself and allowing it to keep me in a relational entitlement mindset (which I wasn’t even aware of). When I began to recognize my boundaries, attachment patterns, and abandonment issues, I was able to take ownership of what I needed to do and change the limiting belief system I had.
Trying to Protect Your Heart from Getting Broken Again
As much as I wanted to be in a healthy relationship, I was more comfortable in the certainty of my pain and suffering than I was willing to gamble on happiness. Every time I did, the other shoe would drop and I would feel like a fool.
– If conditions were placed on the love that should have been given to you unconditionally as a child
– If you were groomed to perform as a child rather than accepted and encouraged
– If you never felt secure in your relationship with your parents or parental figures
– If a parent or parental figure betrayed your trust
– If you were told as a child, “I did this because you did this,” rather than asking, “Why did you do this?”…
You will be drawn to the certainty of your perceived inadequacy (and the circumstances, situations, events, people, and relationships that validate that perception) no matter how much you claim to want and deserve a healthy relationship.
Attraction to Unhealthy Dynamics
For years, I struggled to find the relational consistency that my childhood lacked. When I did find it, the sabotage came in the form of procrastination, body and face image issues, insecurities, obsessing over things that didn’t matter, imitating others, and berating myself for not being able to live up to their standard of “perfection.”
I was bored with consistency and the things that mattered in a partner. If I didn’t have to work hard to prove myself worthy of the necessities of a relationship, I wouldn’t be attracted to the person. There was no passion because I was equating passion with intensity, not consistency.
Then I would wonder, “Why am I single? I’m such a catch! I try so hard!”
Things changed when I looked at this emotional defense mechanism with compassion and gratitude instead of berating myself. I was hurt at a time when I didn’t have the tools to emotionally process the pain (as a child).
As an adult, my solution was to create these barriers (conscious and unconscious) that blocked the happiness I wanted, while perpetuating the familiarity (and false sense of security) I got from never feeling like I was enough.
You are enough. Regardless of all your failures and successes; just the way you are. The moment you truly acknowledge and believe that, watch and see how the world adjusts.
You may be afraid of “losing out”
If you ask yourself, “Why am I single if I’m this type of person?” you may be dealing with low self-esteem—even though you can identify aspects of yourself and the life you’ve built that you’re truly proud of.
And when you’re dealing with low self-esteem, everything becomes a competition.
For me, the anxiety of having to compete amidst the many choices that we’re all inundated with (especially in this day and age) was more than I could handle. I never saw an abundance of options in front of me, but I allowed my anxiety about all the choices available to others to hold me back.
I see this a lot in people who ask the question “Why am I single?” They are either insecure about themselves or they are too egotistical (there is a fine line between ego and confidence). In my opinion, both insecurity and ego feed off of fear and prevent true love from being found because it can’t be found within.
Related : 8 clever ways to show a master manipulator you won’t play their games
Going back to the fear of loss/unwillingness to compete, I often see this in readers and clients who are emotionally exhausted from years of self-sabotage and unaddressed trauma. They think, “I’m too old for this” or “My heart can’t take another beat.” Many are so afraid of looking weak or feeling like a fool if they aren’t chosen that they allow their fears to validate (and reinforce) this mindset.
Caring about what others think
In life, you have to care, but not to the point where it costs you dearly. Nothing is worth losing your mind over.
Not caring about what others think of you, your life, and your decisions is where you can be most freeing, creative, rewarding, and empowering. I used to care a lot about what other people thought of my partner and my relationship. It was like when I applied to colleges in high school. It was all about how I looked and what the college was like; it wasn’t about whether the college was right for me.
Being concerned about what other people think of you and your decisions will make you miserable (and will ensure you stay single) because you rely on the uncertainty of the outside world to give you a sense of worth.
When you stop caring about what other people think (I’ll do a blog post about this later), you can make decisions based on what’s best for you—not your image or other people’s. You also open yourself up to meaningful relationships and endless possibilities. You’re finally free from the superficial rat race.
Unable to Let Go of a Past Relationship (or the Pain It Caused)
You’ll know if you haven’t completely gotten over your last relationship or a relationship in the past. But you may not realize that even though you may have gotten over your ex, you may still be dealing with, healing, and digesting the pain of the breakup.
You don’t need to be “fully recovered” to start dating but you do need to know this:
Loving anyone will not heal the parts of you that limit peace, joy, and relationship/happiness possibilities in your life.
