Most readers are familiar with the behaviors of narcissists and the risks of being in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits. This awareness has led to a great deal of interest in the personality traits of those most at risk for narcissism, with a common assumption that empaths are particularly vulnerable. However, mental health experts have made it clear that this is incorrect and misleading. A person who has become dependent on others (as a result of past experiences) is the most vulnerable to narcissism.
This confusion appears to stem from a misunderstanding of what these two vulnerable personalities have in common and how they differ. The concept of interdependence is based on the work of mental health professionals who have spent decades identifying it. The more recent concept of being an empath has been described by Dr. Judith Orloff.
What is a codependent?
The concept of interdependence was most famously described by Melody Beattie in her book Codependency No More, which was first published in 1986 and has since sold over 5 million copies. It was originally thought that a person had a high chance of becoming codependent as a direct result of living with someone who had a chemical dependency. The person abusing the substance was considered a “substance addict” while the person(s) they lived with closely were considered “codependents.”
“A codependent person is someone who allows another person’s behavior to influence them, and is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” —Melody Beattie
As this definition makes clear, codependency does not only occur in relationships involving substance abuse. It can develop in any relationship in which the codependent person is not functioning in a self-sufficient manner normally. This may be due to their habits, such as compulsive gambling or shopping, or it may be due to a chronic mental or physical illness. Living with an adult who is not fully functioning as a healthy adult can lead to becoming codependent.
How does codependency develop? What makes one vulnerable to narcissists?
Over time, it has become clear to mental health providers that certain experiences during early childhood make one more vulnerable to codependency. Codependent behavior is typically learned in childhood when one is raised in a home where one must be responsive to others to be loved. A child who feels that they must constantly earn love and approval, rather than receive it unconditionally, will be more likely to grow up feeling excessively concerned about gaining the approval of others. This excessive sense of responsibility for the emotional and even physical well-being of others is what leads to an obsession with the behavior of others.
Herein lies the vulnerability to the narcissist, who will demand attention, manipulate, deceive, and exploit the codependent’s need for approval. Codependents have difficulty setting clear boundaries about what they should and should not do for others. For a comprehensive understanding of how a codependent person is particularly vulnerable to narcissists, the reader is referred to the work of Ross Rosenberg, who is world-renowned for his knowledge of the relationship between the codependent and the narcissist.
What is an empath?
An empath is someone who has the exceptional ability to perceive and understand another person’s experiences and feelings, even when they are not experiencing the same ones.
Judith Orloff has described different types of empaths, ranging from those who are aware of the physical sensations of others (somatic empaths) to those who can sense the emotional response of others (emotional empaths). Most empaths are highly attuned to the emotions of others but can differentiate between their own and others’ emotions. For example, a third type of empath (intuitive empath) may pick up on the feeling of someone entering a room as tense, but they will not necessarily feel the tension.
How to Become an Empath?
Being an empath is not thought to be a learned behavior like codependency; rather, it is an innate trait. Empathic people have been shown to have mirror neurons (brain cells) that are highly responsive to the actions and emotions of others. It’s these mirror neurons that might cause your heart to race when you watch a race, for example, especially if you’re physically empathetic. An emotionally empathic person might feel fear when learning about a friend’s past trauma.
Empaths tend to be caring and compassionate people because of their acute awareness of the experiences of others. Their ability to empathize deeply (sympathize) can lead them to act in ways that are very kind and helpful.
How are empaths less likely to fall into the trap of narcissists?
An empath has a strong sense of self, as psychologist Nicole Lepera notes, and this sense of self is not defined by those around them. They do not need or seek approval from others any more than the average person. They are confident in their self-worth regardless of how others behave.
An empath can be present and caring without taking responsibility for solving a problem that someone else is concerned about. Empaths can regulate their emotions so that they do not feel obligated to take responsibility for another adult’s emotional or physical well-being.
Another way to think about the differences between empaths and dependents (in terms of their vulnerability to narcissists) is that empaths have a clear sense of boundaries in their relationships. In other words, empaths are not forced to act in the same way as dependents when faced with the demands of a narcissist.
Empaths will recognize that the narcissist’s demands are unrealistic and will not feel compelled to please the narcissist. They will be able to set clear boundaries on what they may or may not do for the other. It’s the difference between feeling empathy for another person versus feeling responsible for managing the other person’s behavior.
Findings
The failure to distinguish between empaths and dependents has led to confusion about who is more vulnerable to the harmful behavior of narcissists. Empaths and dependents are similar in that both are above average in their empathy for others. The difference appears to be partly innate. While all empaths share highly perceptive neural systems that they are born with, most dependents are known to have shared childhood experiences that shape their personalities.
The weaknesses of dependents include their intense sense of responsibility for others, their need for approval from others, and their difficulty setting clear boundaries. As many readers are aware, these traits are easily manipulated by narcissistic individuals.
