Before I even start, I want to emphasize that this post is not only applicable to romantic relationships. This can apply to your friendships, family relationships, and professional relationships as well. It applies to anyone who has been on the receiving end of toxicity, betrayal, disrespect, selfishness, etc., And now he is facing the other person who wants to get back into a relationship with you as a supposedly changed, non-toxic, and remorseful person.
This is something that I have dealt with many times; something that I have failed miserably to deal with in a healthy/dignified way, and something that on many levels, I am dealing with in my life right now. It feels impossible to navigate because it’s an all-out war between your gut, your head, and your heart.
There are a lot of articles on “how to tell if your ex wants you back, ” signs that your ex wants you back, ” does he want you back? – Take the test, ” etc. I’m not going to go into any of that.
If it gets to the point where you have to take a test or become an inspector tool to find out if someone wants you in their life or not…
It’s not nice, it’s not fun, and it’s not worth your time. It’s a red flag.
But what do you do when your ex wants you back for real (and makes it very clear)?
How are you supposed to move on with one guy, who assures you right now, that they won’t break your heart the same way they already have?
You suddenly hear everything you want to hear and see everything you wish you could see before the hurricane hits. Or maybe, you just get more crumbs. But because there are so many more than the few stops you got in the past it stops you in your tracks.
Why?:
Because these crumbs are big enough for you to build a loaf of. Would it still loaf if you were the one building it?
Whatever the case, the other party has done or said at least enough for you, stop and think about what to do and how to proceed. And because we are active beings, this usually happens at the moment when you have decided to surrender to what is, accept, let go, and do your best to move on with the captured pieces of your broken heart.
Here’s what to do when your ex wants you to, what you need to know so that you can make the best decision for you…
When the offending party comes back with their emotional hat in hand, it’s really easy to get carried away by the mere fact that they’re back, and because of that, we feel like we don’t need to remain gently curious and keep ourselves at arm’s length emotionally. So open we prematurely open our hearts, ears, and legs to assumptions. These assumptions satisfy our desire to chase, need (as opposed to want), and fight for it.
When your ex wants you back, make sure you take time for yourself to process and digest the pain before engaging in communication – at any level. The moment someone hurts you, although it may be completely unintentional, they lose the right to criticize the way you choose to treat your pain (as long as you are not frivolous, abusive, or looking for a reaction/revenge).
If they had a big problem backing down and you need time to heal, maybe they should have been more aware when they did what they did to cause you pain and break off the relationship (in some cases, more than once).
Whatever you decide to do, here’s what to consider when your ex wants you back:
The reason. Chances are, you won’t need to dig too deep or refresh your memory too often to determine the reason for the breakup. First, you need to ask yourself, ” Has the reason for our breakup changed?”- He did not change a little, he did not change selectively, he did not change because there was the possibility of his situation, he did not change here and there, he even changed. Yes, this may take time to figure out, but if they don’t change (which requires something called time, commitment, the desire to change independently of selfish needs + the ability to see themselves and their actions in an unfavorable light), you will still be able to see the small pink/red flag remnants of selfish behavior as soon as they feel that they have (at least) made friendship with you. Remember that you broke up for some reason. Make sure that the cause and any “symptoms” of it are no longer intact. You need to decide what to return to and determine whether the material outweighs their empty promises (because until it is backed up by deeds, that’s all it is – empty).
Who are you dealing with? Bottom line: if this is an emotionally unavailable person, sympathetically broke, narcissistic, sociopath, gaslighted, and lied to you in any way, at any time this is a difficult number. There is no point in associating your value with the hope that your ex-lover will have undergone a personal transplant in a hot minute. If you do not speak with your actions and remain on your white horse, you will end up regaining your role as a resident mop. You’ll be on the call of the therapist/cheerleader / emotional training wheels and down the line, she’ll end up resenting you / being jealous of you for the very reason that she fell for you. At the end of the day, no one wants to be in a relationship with a mother. She wants to be in a relationship with a girl who is anything but needy. A girl who has boundaries and standards appreciates her time, and knows her worth.
What are you doing Be real with yourself and stop being confrontational. It is absolute freedom. The truth does not set you free and your intuition always knows what’s up – no matter how much triggers and insecurities distract you. Are you ignoring the pink and red flags? Do you kindly communicate with your actions and stick to your limits? Or, are you betting on three of the most possible things to bet on ever: words, what if, and potential? Are you having an emotional jerk-off session with yourself? Once again, you shine your light on your ex and then marvel at her illumination. Do you talk too much? Seriously. Do you Retail and relive the Daytime of things or are you being a calm and neat observer who realizes that she will never be able to control others (nor that she does not care for), and understands that the only thing you can control is their interaction? You can choose to either move sh * t into the toilet or flush. You can not control the fact that he is in the pot.
What leads you? For me, fear has always been. My fear was triggered and dealing with abandonment issues, which made me starve for any little crumb of security. Because previous relationships had exhausted my self-esteem to the point of no return, I wasted that. A lot.Time on exes (and people in general), which was not worth it. As human beings, we will sacrifice our health, happiness, sanity, and self-worth just to feel one drop of security that predictability provides. Even if the ability to predict our misery, awkwardness, and “is not enough.”Even if the predictability of your ex is toxic.
Getting back together when your ex wants you back-when your ex wants you back if you’re going to get back together, it has to be a positive (not painful or anxiety-inducing) decision that enables both of you to continue to evolve (not just the other while you’re, again, getting demoted to an emotional elementary school teacher). When I’ve gotten back together with exes, it’s often because I choose to turn my back on the pain of reality and the truth. I avoided acceptance so that I could justify my blindness to the pink and red flag. I failed to admit that these issues still exist with my ex-boyfriend, and so “getting back together,” became nothing more than a lame and very diluted attempt to recreate a long-lost honeymoon period that didn’t last. When your ex wants you back, you first need to figure out what specifically there is to come back to. I used to think that the level of heartbreak I felt was an indicator of the irreplaceability of the other person and the quality of what we had. It’s not like that. Their patterns are; their personality. Yes-there are couples who are getting back together and they are better than ever. But before this happens, you need to refrain from acting on impulse and make sure that you have a relational Foundation conducive to health and happiness on both sides. If one person emotionally and sympathetically blocks the other, it will not work.
When your ex wants you back reason for wanting to get back together may well be, be rooted in selfishness. Remember that your heart will always want to see” real”, but your intuition will always know nonsense*trust your intuition.
When your ex wants you back-it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not okay with their ex’s behavior. It could mean that they have reached a level of annoyance that they are starting to contact you because they rely on validation just like you once did. Don’t get used to ending people’s emotional sentences. This is their job.
If your ex broke your heart on more than one occasion, this does not mean that you need to slander his/her reputation and think that he/she is a bad person. They just aren’t your person.
When you struggle with self-esteem and are in a toxic relationship, ambivalence (and the intensity it generates) will always be mistaken for passion, connection, chemistry, and true love.
And finally, remember this…
Just because you love a person with all your heart, it does not automatically mean that he will have the ability to willingly appreciate the love he consumes (and enjoy its benefits), in the way you deserve.
