Do you have a narcissistic ex-boyfriend who won’t leave you alone?
Do you think: “I need help not answering their texts and phone calls! But I miss them too!”
Then it all comes flooding back again – the shared memories, the feeling of heart fluttering, the deep longing for what was.
Want to get those times back.
“Maybe they’ve changed.” You are lying to yourself.
Related: 4 Ways Kids Become TOTAL Narcissistic Jerks (& How To Prevent It!)
#Here’s what you should remember when you start “missing” your narcissistic ex:
1. They are attracted to lax boundaries
How do you stop missing your narcissistic ex?
People who attract narcissists have lax boundaries. They empathize more than is healthy and become sexually aroused with someone who is wounded and in pain.
Narcissists are attracted to those who are self-reliant and do not speak up to ask for what they want.
They think the “meta” chemistry is love – but it’s not.
People whose parents were narcissists have been conditioned to believe that their “grandiose” self is normal and makes them self-confident. It’s not so, but the brain thinks so and confuses them.
2. Some people attract narcissists because they have not dealt with their trauma.
They seek to heal it externally by “being there for another wounded person.”
When I hear about women who have found the strength to break free from a narcissistic partner, what I hear is a lot of longing, despair, and “missing them.”
They easily blocked terrible things.
This is exactly why you got into a relationship with a narcissist, to begin with.
You are unconsciously looking for “natural abuse.” When you are freed from it, you will experience withdrawal symptoms.
You don’t deal with your problems. You gave up yourself for them, and you are avoiding coming back to them.
3. The person you miss is yourself.
You are confusing this with the narcissist’s “lack” by focusing on the “good times.”
The good times were never real. This is planned – whether consciously or unconsciously – to hook you and keep you hooked. You are missing the point.
I left because of the bad times. You don’t remind yourself why you left. You crave the times they gave you the “high” you secretly desired as if you “won” the lottery with them.
Then, they hit you hard using covert tactics, and you forget the abuse once it’s in the past.
Related: 5 Blind Spots That Make It Hard To Spot A Narcissist Until It’s Too Late
4. Don’t prepare yourself to be with another narcissist.
You’re setting yourself up to be with another narcissist as soon as one shows up – you’ll feel that way again.
When you “crave” something this hard, you will draw it back to you…until you get it!
That intense desire for someone to “love” you the way you so desperately need reflects your wounds. This is not true love.
5. Focus on the reason you broke up.
Stop craving something unhealthy that you have aroused. Focus on why you left them, especially when your mind reminds you of the “good times.”
Realize that good times are not “true love.” What you see when it’s abusive, belittling, hurtful, or betrayal is also part of the equation — an important part.
It’s like eating too much pizza because it tastes good, while you know you’ll later be in pain. It is self-abuse.
Related: The 4 Personality Traits Narcissists Take Advantage Of (And How To Hide Them)
6. Returning to the narcissistic person is an addiction.
When you stop associating yourself with “fake” happiness and “toxic love” and start giving yourself that love, you won’t feel this “longing” for what makes you just like what you are currently experiencing withdrawals from.
Stop attaching yourself to someone’s wounded heart and false self-confidence. Stop attaching yourself to their words and pay attention to the whole picture instead.
This is honest, and it’s also something you need to think about before texting, answering their call, seeing them as “friends” or seeing them for “closure.”
These are all excuses to “get a hit” – just a few. Only to notice again that they will use it against you. You hit the concrete wall again because you weren’t paying attention.
It’s tough love.
“Just this once,” she says. “Then I’ll stop. I promise.”
When you’re above them, you don’t even suspect it, you just do it again and then wonder why.
Related: The #1 Way To Know You Love A Narcissist Is A Thing You Do — Not Them
Does this repetition bother you? Because that’s exactly what others see and you don’t see.
There I was – relapsing from my addiction to loving a narcissist and thinking it would work out this time, only to be subjected to the same abuse. I’m still not “paying attention”.
I wanted so badly to feel deeply and truly loved.
I was subconsciously wearing blinders, and they would slide over my eyes as soon as my mind found another purpose.
The false familiarity and comfort I feel with the new person happens before I can catch on. I feel like I’ve known them forever.
