Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, a breakup distorts our vision. It’s not that we don’t know what to do after a breakup, it’s that we can’t see.

ThinkofItThisway…

You know how to drive, right? Right. So let’s just say you’ve been driving in desirable conditions for a while — great weather, no traffic, your favorite music playing, the love of your life by your side, GPS on, in the passenger seat. What could be better?

Then, one day… he says he feels sick, that he’s done driving, and wants to get out of the car. Now, in shock, you watch him get out without a second thought. And just like that, you’re on your own. With no way to get your GPS on, you’ve lost all sense of direction.

You’re trying to drive home but you’re not sure where home is (or if you even have one. It was your home). As the reality of homelessness begins to sink in, what you would have sworn was perfect weather is now a snowstorm with fog so thick you can’t see. What was once free of traffic is now a makeshift racetrack where cars snake around you in the snow. What used to be your favorite music is now the beat of your stressed, broken heart.

You have no choice but to pull over. Too scared, you convince yourself that calling him is your only option.

He tells you that there is no storm, no race cars and that you simply don’t know how to drive. He tells you to stop “making up stories” just to connect and then “takes off” in a better car with a new girl who is all you are… while you are still stuck… on the side of the road… in the snow.

You don’t know what to do or where to go.

You are lost without him.

Did you call him because you don’t know how to drive? No. You called because you were lost, scared, and stressed, and you convinced yourself that you couldn’t access your GPS (which you allowed him to turn on).

It’s not that you don’t know what to do after the breakup, it’s that you’ve lost access to your GPS. Your vision is blurred by the frightening emotional circumstances. These emotional circumstances make it impossible to accept, move on, and be “the one who walked away.”

It’s time to regain full vision.

Here’s What You Need to Know and What to Do After a Breakup…

Knowing what to do after a breakup is crucial. This is the time when you can build incredible strength and get back to who you were before. It’s also the time when you can (and often do) step back emotionally and decide to act on your fears (which often leads to more grief and humiliation).

Related : 7 warning signs you’re dealing with a manipulator or narcissist

If you don’t know what to do after a breakup and you’ve already messed up, had a moment of weakness, and reached out to or met your toxic ex… that’s okay.

How?

The only benefit of relationships with toxic people is that they are extremely short-sighted and short-term thinkers. The majority of how they remember you is based on what you’re doing/not doing in the present moment. Because they can’t communicate, they rarely go back and remember every detail—good and bad.

As long as you allow yourself to be in a state you’ve never been in before (and thus, redefining your ex as the real you), they will eventually start to get curious.

No matter how hard they try to assuage this curiosity by trying to bring their old/weak idea of ​​you to life… they will always fail to fully commit to it because you will inadvertently be holding up a mirror for them at every turn.

This isn’t about petty revenge or cheap, short-term vengeance (which will always lead to long-term pain and insecurity). It’s about putting someone who has always been disrespectful behind you while you’re on your white horse and moving on.

WhenItComesToWhatToDoAfterABreakUp…

EmotionallyBackOff.

When trying to figure out what to do after a breakup… first, acknowledge that these scary circumstances (although they are essentially just an illusion of your lack of self-love), are scary indeed. Decide to emotionally pause for the sake of your mental health. This is especially difficult because it goes against everything your heart, mind, and body are leaning toward.

When a person, circumstance, or situation breaks your heart, understand that you need space; you need to have space.

Without space, you deprive your emotional airbag from launching and deprive yourself of the perspective needed to heal, process, and move on. As I always say, ambivalence is the root of all misery. You cannot engage in sustained connection with whatever broke you while also wanting to heal.

Feel your way through it; don’t feed it.

It is not only normal, but healthy, to feel pain, sadness, heartache, anger, and all the emotions associated with loss. Without working our way through the pain, we will never be able to heal and reach apathy. What is not healthy is to allow these feelings to manifest in self-sabotage.

Revitalize yourself.

You will always be who you think you are. I never saw myself as happy until I was with my ex; our relationship became my identity. So, after the breakup, my happiness and identity disappeared.

You are so much more than a “please complete me” announcement, where her happiness is solely dependent on the level of emotional de-vibration she can reach for toxic people.

Go all out.

Understand that once your relationship, trust, respect, etc. is broken, the emotional state of the other person is no longer your priority or responsibility. You are your priority.

Use your grief as a starting point.

Think about this – what if you left your ex for whatever reason? Your ex, despite being sad, doesn’t respond.

He/she has accepted your decision, hasn’t contacted you at all, and has disappeared from social media for longer than usual. You feel happy and have fun, but you notice that when he/she comes back on social media, something is different.

He/she isn’t trying to upset you or do anything predictable. Become the best version of themselves (not in the way a monkey would do – through filters, going out at night, noticing how great I am without you, posting motivational quotes, smoke, and mirrors that your instinct can see through), but in a different way. In a way that is “I don’t want or need a reaction from you”, in a way that is unnoticeable and indifferent.

Trust me when I say that you will hate it. It will get under your skin and no matter how happy you are, it will eat away at you because you won’t know what’s going on. The expected transparency that you were counting on is no longer there.

Remember: Happy people who care about their emotional needs are too busy being happy to waste their time on social media dealing with an ex who never deserved it.

Related : 7 warning signs you’re dealing with a manipulator or narcissist

No one wants to break up with someone and see that they’ve not only remained unaffected but have become better — happier, healthier, more attractive, stronger, more successful, etc. — as a result of the breakup. No one wants to feel like they were nothing more than a career launching pad for their ex.

Use every ounce of pain, confusion, anger, embarrassment, resentment, and sadness you’re feeling right now to launch yourself into some kind of grandiose greatness, and you won’t have to advertise it or tell everyone because people will tell you (and your ex) how great you are.

Create something you’ve always wanted to create; do something you’ve always wanted to do and never thought possible. One of my favorite quotes from Rumi is, “Act as if everything is rigged in your favor” — even the breakup.

Be clear about your tolerances.

Understand that everything you feel and experience right now is a direct result of your tolerance. In life, you will always get what you consistently choose to tolerate.

Related : 7 phrases that seem harmless but are actually loaded with judgment

Writing a list of what you are no longer willing to tolerate (from yourself and others) is great, but acting on that list is what creates that mysterious factor that everyone is drawn to, wants to emulate, wants a piece of but can’t quite describe or define.

And if you think word travels fast, visualize the energy. Translate through your actions what you are no longer willing to tolerate and trust me, the energy antennas of your toxic ex and toxic people near and far will go up as soon as you release your newly created signal.

Go to the emotional gym.

Knowing what to do after a breakup is directly related to your emotional fitness. The day I realized that the power I had to control my emotional power was based on consistent habits (not luck), my life changed. Just as insecurity is a habit (you were not born insecure – you are insecure today because of years of making a habit of subscribing to the belief that you are not enough), so is security a habit. Want to know what to do after a breakup? Choose to see things as they are—not as the triggers, low self-esteem beliefs, and fears try to portray them.

That’s why no contact is often discussed as a rule to implement after a breakup—yes, it’s a great tool for many reasons, but the real benefit is the unbreakable core you build inside yourself (if you do it for the right reasons). With every second of no contact, you build emotional strength.

Having emotional strength isn’t about not feeling emotional, angry, sad, or inadequate. It’s about not wanting to stay in the swamp of denial and claiming those low-energy feelings as your emotional home. Why? Because you finally realize how expensive it is to do so. If you choose to stay there, you’ll have an excuse to continue communicating with your ex (at whatever level), but the long-term cost (insecurity, inactivity, emotional paralysis, and wasted time) is simply too high. That’s how trauma bonds and destructive relationship patterns form.

Knowing what to do after a breakup is all about emotional fitness, but if you don’t have an understanding of what it takes to achieve and maintain that fitness, how will you ever succeed?

I’ve spent my entire life trying to get emotionally fit by going to the gym for one long, intense day (which generally left me exhausted after the momentary rush of motivation). This is why self-help seminars are so profitable – they allow attendees to exercise emotionally at a very intense level that they’ve never experienced before but, obviously, for a very short, focused period. This can be very beneficial – but only if the practices become a daily habit.

I guarantee that if you’re completely out of shape, go to the gym, and train for 9 hours straight, you won’t see any results (or be excited to go back the next day). However, it is well known that if you go to the gym every day for an hour and train, you will eventually lose weight and see results over time. Stop expecting instant gratification from one intense session and then using your exhaustion to justify making more bad decisions.

Remember, you know how to drive. Don’t act in fear of the scary emotional conditions that you’re triggering. Don’t give people a road map to your wounds, triggers, and source of strength by responding to fear, brokenness, and pain that is meant to pass – not survive.