When a narcissist stonewalls you, they engage in a form of silent manipulation designed to frustrate, control, and destabilize. Stonewalling typically involves refusing to communicate, ignoring calls or messages, or giving short, dismissive responses. For someone dealing with a narcissist, stonewalling can feel bewildering and hurtful. Narcissists use this tactic to establish dominance, reinforce emotional distance, and force the other person to work harder for validation and reconnection. Here’s a look at why narcissists stonewall, the effects it can have on you, and how to manage this challenging behavior.
Why Narcissists Stonewall
- To Punish and Control Narcissists use stonewalling as a tool for punishment, especially when they feel slighted or criticized. This refusal to engage allows them to create distance and keep the upper hand in the relationship. By withdrawing attention or communication, they send the message that their partner or friend must make amends or “earn” their way back into good graces, reinforcing their position of power.
- To Avoid Accountability When confronted with uncomfortable topics or responsibility for their actions, narcissists often resort to stonewalling as a means of escape. By refusing to engage, they can sidestep difficult conversations, effectively avoiding blame or responsibility. This tactic prevents any productive discussion, which means the narcissist can continue to avoid introspection or change.
- To Cause Emotional Distress Narcissists are skilled at reading emotional cues and often use stonewalling to create feelings of insecurity and self-doubt in their partners. By refusing to respond, they create an atmosphere of uncertainty, forcing the other person to seek their approval or validation. This tactic is emotionally exhausting and keeps the narcissist in control of the emotional dynamic.
- To Regain Emotional Balance Stonewalling also serves as a defense mechanism for narcissists when they feel criticized, overwhelmed, or exposed. Rather than openly addressing the issue, they withdraw emotionally, hoping to regain a sense of superiority or stability. By cutting off communication, they can protect their ego and avoid facing any vulnerabilities.
The Effects of Stonewalling on the Recipient
- Increased Anxiety and Self-Doubt Being stonewalled often creates feelings of confusion, insecurity, and self-doubt. When someone you care about refuses to communicate, it’s natural to wonder if you did something wrong or to question your self-worth. Over time, these feelings can compound, causing significant stress and anxiety.
- Emotional Dependency Narcissists use stonewalling to make their partner or friend more emotionally dependent on them. When communication is withheld, the recipient may try harder to reconnect, seeking ways to regain the narcissist’s attention or approval. This cycle of push and pull can create an unhealthy dependency, where the recipient’s emotional state hinges on the narcissist’s responses.
- Lowered Self-Esteem Repeated stonewalling can erode self-esteem over time. As the recipient feels disregarded and invalidated, they may begin to see themselves as unworthy of attention, acceptance, or love. Narcissists exploit this lowered self-esteem to strengthen their control, as a partner with diminished confidence is more likely to tolerate manipulative behavior.
- Emotional Exhaustion Stonewalling is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Trying to bridge the silence and make sense of the narcissist’s behavior can take an immense toll on one’s mental health. Prolonged exposure to this tactic can result in feelings of helplessness, isolation, and fatigue.
Related : Why You Should Never Ask a Narcissist “Why?”
How to Handle Stonewalling from a Narcissist
- Set Clear Boundaries Establishing boundaries can reduce the impact of stonewalling on your mental health. Let the narcissist know that you will not tolerate silent treatment as a form of punishment or control. Clearly communicate that open, respectful communication is a requirement and outline what you will do if they continue to stonewall (e.g., leaving the room, ending the conversation).
- Avoid Chasing for Responses Stonewalling often escalates when the other person chases after the narcissist for answers or validation. Resist the urge to repeatedly call, text, or plead with them to open up. By stepping back, you avoid feeding into the narcissist’s need for control and may even lessen their ability to manipulate the situation.
- Prioritize Self-Care and Support Dealing with stonewalling can be emotionally draining. Engage in self-care activities to maintain your mental well-being, and seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional. Talking with people who understand your situation can provide validation and perspective, helping you to feel less isolated.
- Consider Limiting Contact or Disengaging If stonewalling is a consistent pattern in the relationship, it might be worth considering limiting your interaction or even disengaging. Narcissistic behaviors, including stonewalling, are challenging to change, and prolonged exposure can be damaging to one’s self-esteem and emotional health. While it’s not always possible to cut ties completely, creating emotional distance can protect you from the worst effects of their behavior.
- Recognize Your Own Value Narcissists often erode the self-esteem of those around them to retain control. Counteract this by reminding yourself of your worth and strengths. Reflect on the relationships in your life where you feel valued and respected. Recognizing that you deserve a relationship where communication is mutual and respectful can strengthen your resolve to stand up to stonewalling and other forms of manipulation.
Final Thoughts
Stonewalling is a manipulative tactic that narcissists use to exert control, avoid accountability, and cause emotional distress. Recognizing the motivations behind this behavior and taking proactive steps to protect yourself can help lessen its impact on your mental and emotional well-being. While handling stonewalling isn’t easy, understanding it as part of a larger pattern of manipulation may help you establish healthier boundaries, focus on self-care, and make more empowered choices.
