Key Points

It can be difficult to escape the damaging influence of a narcissistic parent, even into adulthood.

In a desperate attempt to keep their child’s attention, a narcissistic parent may engage in dangerous behaviors, such as stalking or threatening them.

Narcissistic parents often send others as their emissaries to guilt-trip adult children and drag them back into an unhealthy dynamic.

As adults, we may learn to play along with the narcissistic parent’s mind games, but once we leave home and attempt to establish an independent, separate existence, the games can get even uglier.

The goal of a narcissist’s behavior is to keep their intended victims engaged and committed. Like an addict seeking a fix from a drug dealer, narcissists seek their “supply” from people who will groom them to meet their need for ego-feeding and subservience. The harder you try to separate yourself from a narcissistic parent, the harder they will work to keep you engaged, at any cost to your safety and well-being. If you were raised to show unwavering respect for your parents, trying to find your way out of the trauma bond with a narcissistic parent creates a special form of trauma where you are pushed to separate from the person who should be providing you with refuge rather than abuse.

Related : Narcissist Parents Leave You Too Little — And Too Much Space

When children are older and able to leave home, regardless of the role they play, their narcissistic parents may do everything they can to keep the adult child trapped in the family drama. Some of the more dangerous behaviors that narcissistic parents impose on their adult children include:

stalking

Yes, narcissistic parents may physically stalk you and your family or engage in cyberstalking through your social media sites or, if you still live at home, through your cell phone or computer communication platforms. Stalking their object or source is similar to the way an addict seeks their “fix.” When you are out of sight of the narcissist, they will do everything they can to bring you closer—and that’s how stalking comes about. Having you in their sights, such as watching your house, following you on the street, or following your social media account if you haven’t already blocked them, is how they maintain a sense of “closeness” and control.

Ending stalking behavior on the part of a parent is difficult. You may have to resort to a “no contact” mentality and avoid any form of interaction with the parent. However, this is often what generates covert stalking—saying “no” to the narcissist only angers them and makes them more eager to access your supplies. If your parent can’t leave you alone, you may need to take legal action and obtain a protective order, if necessary. Trying to reason with the narcissist is usually a futile exercise, so you should put your well-being at the top of your list of priorities and take whatever legal steps are necessary to build a barrier that will work.

Sending Their Flying Monkeys

Narcissists have an uncanny understanding of others and can always be counted on to find an ally somewhere they can convince of the lies the narcissist believes about themselves. Whether it’s a relative, a new sign, or someone the narcissist considers a friend, the narcissist may be able to convince them that the dysfunctional parent-child relationship is due to a tragic misunderstanding on the part of the now-adult child. The Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz used her flying monkeys to stalk innocent Dorothy and her puppy. Your narcissistic parent might use his flying monkeys to stalk you.

A sibling who doesn’t see the narcissistic attachment your parent has to you might try to convince you to give your parent some slack—“Mom or Dad didn’t mean what they said the way you thought they meant. Stop hurting them.” A distant relative might plead with you, “Your parents aren’t as young as they used to be; let go of the past and have a holiday dinner. Stop being so mean to them.” Or even a friend your parent has known might side with your parent, “Come on, I know they treated you that way when you were a kid, but your mom is a great lady/your dad is a wonderful old man; stop bothering them so much.”

When the flying monkey climbs onto your shoulder and starts “monkey chattering,” use the same techniques to silence the flying monkey that you use to silence the “monkey mind” in meditation—instead of getting into an argument about whose story is the “real one,” take a deep breath, settle down, and respond, “Yes, I know you’re just sharing what I heard from my mom/dad.” Don’t get caught up in the argument—the “innocent flying monkey” won’t believe how terrible your dad is, and the “conspiratorial flying monkey” won’t just deny your facts, he’ll believe your parents’ lies about you and see you as the villain, not your dad. By staying calm, responding politely and calmly, and refusing to get drawn into lengthy, pointless, lose/lose arguments about “facts (or fallacies), you ensure that the flying monkey has no “exciting chatter” to bring back to the narcissistic parent.

As difficult as it may be to be realistic and refuse to engage in defending your point of view, it is essential to your overall well-being. Empathize with the deluded monkey who is just another sign of your parent, and move on with your life.

Threats and Intimidation

The “shine” of the narcissist wears off in almost all relationships at some point. When this happens, and the narcissist loses his or her power over someone important to his or her sense of self, he or she may resort to ugly, deceitful methods to achieve his or her goal and keep people within his or her reach. This is a common occurrence when adult children of narcissists finally break free and begin to create a life outside of their original family. When it comes to threats of Losing contact with or access to their adult children, narcissists may resort to threats of disinheritance, severance from other family members, and in some cases, legal action to maintain access to grandchildren.

When you become an adult, but a narcissistic parent continues to treat you the way they treated you as a child, it can have the effect of making you feel like you’re still that child. Don’t allow yourself to fall back into the unhealthy relationship patterns of childhood, and remind your parent—and yourself—that you are now an adult and that their efforts to “guilt” or “threaten” you won’t work now. Remind them that you are an adult and have the right to live the life you feel is right for you, make the decisions you feel are right for you, and maintain the relationships you feel are right for you. Your role is not to please your parents but to create a life that satisfies you. However, if you are still dependent on your parents for any kind of support or resources (living in their home, getting money from them, working for them, receiving child care for your children, etc.), the rules may need to be different. As long as you accept any kind of resources from them, you are giving them leverage over you that can continue in the unhealthy relationship as long as gifts or favors are given and accepted. Narcissists rarely give gifts without strings attached.