You’re with a great husband, and you’re generally happy with the state of your marriage… except for one thing. You have a narcissistic husband, and they are driving you absolutely crazy! Whatever the case, they create drama and generally make your life more difficult.
Narcissistic relatives can be stressful and frustrating for everyone involved. But things can get more complicated when dealing with your spouse’s family. Here’s what you need to know and how you can deal with it.
Signs of a narcissist in law
Maybe you know something is off with your husband, but you’re not quite sure if you’re overreacting (or if she’s just being tough). As you may be doing by now, narcissism can be confusing, and it often manifests itself in different ways. Here are some clear signs that you are dealing with a narcissist.
You always need attention
Whether the attention is positive or negative, the narcissist needs to be in the spotlight. This need for attention is boundless. They will interrupt people, monopolize conversations, and even feign dramatic tantrums just to get people to listen.
Exploiting others
Narcissists care about their own needs far more than they do the needs of anyone else. Thus, relationships are purely transactional. They only seek to get close to people based on what others can provide for them. Therefore, you can expect exploitative behaviors such as lying, exaggerating, minimizing, or even denying certain actions.
Extreme mood swings
Your husband-in-law can be charming and friendly at times. But you learned that their emotions can change instantly. This is because narcissists have incredibly weak egos. Any time something threatens that ego, they feel personally attacked. As a result, she becomes overreactive.
Extreme mood swings can look like this:
Complete withdrawal from the conversation or scene
Yelling, threatening, or blaming people
Crying and being unconsoled when others try to help
Passive aggressive response
Constantly hunting for compliments
Narcissists want to be admired, and they do their best to ensure that others praise them. A constant stream of validation keeps their narcissistic supply.
Compliments hunting can look like this:
Outwardly bragging about their accomplishments
making self-deprecating comments (knowing that others will challenge them)
humble boast
Ignore your needs
Narcissists will only care about your needs when your needs benefit them. There are very few exceptions to this rule. Thus, you can expect the narcissist to continue to deny, minimize, or even mock your needs. If they don’t go along with what they want, don’t expect them to care.
How a narcissistic spouse can affect your marriage
There is an old saying that says that when you marry someone, you marry their entire family.
And when it comes to narcissists, this statement probably rings very close to home. You may not have asked for these parents, but you may feel stuck with them. Plus, these relationships certainly matter, and research shows that 11% of couples cite their relatives as a major factor in their divorce.
Your narcissistic spouse is likely to cause the most damage if your spouse is unable (or unwilling) to recognize the severity of their behavior. If they are constantly defending their mom or dad, it will cause problems. You will likely feel lonely, frustrated, and resentful if you don’t want to change the dynamic.
How you set (or not set) boundaries can also determine the quality of your marriage. If you avoided the problem or hoped it would resolve on its own, you are bound to be disappointed. As you know, narcissists don’t change their ways easily. This is especially true if they have no incentive to stop their antics.
How to deal with a narcissistic husband in law
Life with a narcissist is never easy. And even if you want to cut ties completely, it may not be practical. If your spouse wants to maintain a relationship with their parents, you will need to consider the following strategies.
Talk directly to your spouse
It’s one thing if your husband is aware of toxic behavior and deals with it effectively. It’s another thing if you’re caught up in that power struggle where your husband is defending their father and taking their side in an argument.
Patience is the first step. Discovering narcissism is painful, and even adult children often want it
To protect their parents and give them the benefit of the doubt. Your husband may not be quite ready to recognize the seriousness of the situation. Likewise, they may be so emotionally abused and gaslighted that they only see themselves as facing the problem.
However, you must identify the problems that you notice. Be as specific as possible, and feel free to express exactly how you feel.
Remember that your spouse may feel anxious, guilty, or upset at the prospect of being “caught in the middle.” This is normal – they’ve spent their entire lives trying to manage this impossible situation. Try to be as supportive as possible while also standing your ground.
Collaboration at the border
Narcissists are like little children who never grow up. They are selfish, driven by ego, and focus only on meeting their own needs. Perhaps your narcissistic spouse has shown it to you – over and over again.
Whether your narcissistic mother-in-law wants to spend every waking moment with your kids or your narcissistic father-in-law becomes explosive when things don’t go his way, setting boundaries is essential if you want to maintain any semblance of a functional relationship.
Thus, you and your spouse need to get together to set the boundaries that you both wish to enforce. Ideally, it should be as united a front as possible. Because when narcissists assume they can triangulate themselves among others, they will. And they will happily set people against each other just to get what they want.
May include some clear boundaries.
“I will not tolerate your mother criticizing my parenting. If you do that, I will leave the house immediately.”
“I will not spend time alone with your father. I am fine with him visiting him as long as you are with me.”
“I just want to stay with your parents for two hours. If you want to stay longer, I’ll take a separate car.”
Define clear exit strategies
Most people find they need escape plans when dealing with narcissists. After all, things can escalate very quickly. And sometimes, it just doesn’t feel safe to be in the same room anymore.
Having a business plan can help. Whether it’s a code word you share with your spouse or a reminder you have to yourself, it’s important to know when to leave.
Don’t feel the need to apologize. You’re an adult, and you’re allowed to limit your time with toxic people.
Expect response
You can and should prepare for resistance any time you set a limit. Narcissists are used to getting their way. When that doesn’t happen, they usually get angry.
You can expect some of the following reactions:
You are trying to convince your wife that you are the problem
Threatening to disown you or isolate you from the family
Mocking your boundaries or acting childish
Crying or being overly apologetic as a way to gain sympathy
Pretending like you never put an end to (and continue to act in their usual ways)
Gossip or attempt to discredit others
This retreat will undoubtedly be frustrating. But you have nothing to do with it. It is simply a narcissists’ reaction when others stand up for themselves.
Stop trying to win
It can be very tempting to stoop to the narcissist’s level. After all, if they’re screaming, crying, or making empty threats, why wouldn’t you? If they’re causing all this drama, why not give them a glimpse into their reality?
But here’s the thing: You can’t win a battle with a narcissist. This is because the two of you are on completely different playing fields. One stadium is rooted in reality, the other in a complete fantasy land.
And believe it or not, they want you to rival them. They want the fight, even if they pretend they hate it.
So, drop the arguments and power struggles. Trying to win them over is futile.
Instead, try to focus on protecting your safety. If you have children, make sure you also have their best interests at heart. Even if you feel “mean” or “selfish,” remember that these feelings are likely because you feel involved with the narcissist’s agenda. In other words, their behavior is causing you to feel that way.
