During an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry revealed that they were caught in a toxic situation. Markle was advised to stay within the palace walls (pre-pandemic, we should add) and keep a low profile to avoid the tabloids, but she also felt mentally trapped — experiencing the emotional turmoil of an unhealthy family environment but unable to see her way out.
While toxic can be an overused word, identifying toxic family dynamics and beginning to work through these situations, as the couple shared on Sunday evening, is difficult but important. It’s a common occurrence in the LGBTQ community, when family members can be unaccepting and, at times, abusive. And that’s just one example. But just like Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, you can get out of an unsafe family environment. You always have choices, and you’re never alone.
Related : 9 Signs Of A Toxic Family & How To Deal With It, From Therapists
It’s important to note: There’s no right or wrong way to deal with toxic family situations. Every experience is complex and nuanced, and you should do whatever works best for your mental health. But in case you’re not sure where to turn, we tapped the experts for a roadmap:
- Set boundaries, and enforce them.
Setting boundaries is one thing—but enforcing them is another. When a toxic family member tries to overstep your boundaries, having clear consequences is key. According to clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, it can be as simple as, “If you do (act), I will do (consequences).” Many experts even recommend writing down your boundaries on a piece of paper; that way, you’ll know exactly how to express your needs in real-time and how to respond when someone crosses the line.
“Know that you have permission to do this,” she says. “The only way to have the peace and sanity you want is to give yourself permission to do it by asking for it.” Of course, that’s easier said than done, but as Neo notes, “it’s all about practice.”
If you’ve reached the point where cutting ties (what experts call no contact) is the healthiest option for you, you also have the right to protect yourself from those who are causing you such pain—even if they’re family. “Not only do you dread interactions, but you also worry about them before and after—it’s unnecessarily stressful,” says Perpetua Neo. “It’s OK to bypass these people. Realize that in some cases, you may want to choose people you consider family.”
- Prepare.
If you’ve opted for a limited or no-contact relationship, try to prepare for your next move as best you can. That includes logistics (are you comfortable expressing your plans face-to-face, or would you rather send a voicemail or even an email?), but also managing how you’ll handle the relationship—or lack thereof.
“This might mean blocking them on all communication options and not checking their social media,” says Neo. “It’s an unnecessary drain on your energy.”
If you must maintain contact (for example, there are kids or shared responsibilities), Neo recommends keeping interactions as simple, brief, and direct as possible. “Tell them things like, ‘I’ll just respond to (topic) .’ And if they engage in word salad—a very confusing combination of words designed to confuse your head and draw you in—tell them to rephrase it.” In other words, you need to have a plan of action so that you feel strong and prepared when you do have to meet.
- Find your support system.
You may feel isolated when you leave a toxic family situation, and you may even grieve the relationships you’ve lost. That’s why securing a support system is so crucial to healing: Some people even build their community of loved ones, or “chosen family,” if you will. To cultivate a healthy support system, New suggests:
Make a concrete list of what you need. “The ‘obvious’ things you expect in a relationship, like manners and kindness,” she notes, as well as standards and boundaries. “People from toxic families often have a hard time articulating these things, or they may feel bad. In that case, think about what your younger self might need. This will provide you with rich information.”
Related : How To Deal With Toxic Family Members (& Maintain Your Sanity)
Start building relationships, even if it seems daunting. Again, it’s easier said than done. Building healthy relationships takes time, especially if you’re starting from scratch. “Of course, you may not get lucky right away, and you may be tempted to give up,” New says. “Remind yourself, it’s a numbers game. With every interaction, good, bad, or average, there’s data. That data tells you what’s going well, what could be different, and what’s in line with you.”
Nourish relationships that serve you. When you find those relationships that align with what you need, nurture them. “Learn the art of relationships and communication, especially if you come from a toxic family and may have weak boundaries yourself.”
- Own your past.
“Our past can be a source of shame and trauma, and if you don’t own it, it will own you,” says Neo. She explains that those who experience trauma may unconsciously gravitate toward similar situations—a phenomenon known as repetition compulsion. “The brain is drawn to these situations to try to resolve the trauma,” she says.
The key to stopping this spell, she notes, is to truly understand the “why” of your situation (and empathize with yourself and your experience). “Then your brain has a story and can close it,” Neo adds. “You can [understand] the behavioral pathways you need to unpack and the new pathways you want to connect. That way, you can have healthy relationships.”
Bottom Line.
Again, there’s no right or wrong way to escape a toxic family environment, and it may be best to seek professional help if you can. The most important thing to know is that you’re not alone, and you will find your voice.
