In discussions about narcissism, particularly in the context of relationships with narcissists, the term “flying monkeys” often comes up. This phrase might seem strange at first, but it has a powerful and disturbing meaning in the world of narcissistic abuse. The term draws its origin from the classic film The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the West sends her flying monkeys to do her bidding. Similarly, in the realm of narcissism, “flying monkeys” refer to people who assist the narcissist in their manipulation, control, and abuse of others.
What Are ‘Flying Monkeys’ in Narcissism?
In narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are the enablers or accomplices of the narcissist. These individuals, knowingly or unknowingly, assist the narcissist in furthering their agenda, often targeting and attacking the narcissist’s chosen victim. Just as the witch in The Wizard of Oz didn’t carry out her plans alone, a narcissist relies on others to help them continue their manipulation and abusive tactics.
Flying monkeys can be family members, friends, colleagues, or anyone close to the narcissist. They are typically manipulated into believing the narcissist’s distorted version of events and may act out of loyalty, fear, or even their own self-interest. These individuals serve as tools for the narcissist, helping them exert control, spread false narratives, and undermine the victim’s reality.
How Narcissists Recruit Flying Monkeys
Narcissists are skilled manipulators who know how to charm and deceive people to get what they want. Recruiting flying monkeys often starts with the narcissist playing the victim. They may tell exaggerated or entirely fabricated stories of how they’ve been wronged by the actual victim, painting themselves as innocent, misunderstood, or even persecuted. Because narcissists are often highly charismatic and persuasive, they can easily sway others into believing their side of the story.
Sympathy and Manipulation: Narcissists often exploit the goodwill and empathy of those around them. By telling convincing stories of how they’ve been victimized by someone (usually the person they are actually abusing), they gain the sympathy of others. These sympathetic individuals, now convinced that the narcissist is the real victim, become flying monkeys who will act on their behalf.
Gaslighting: In many cases, narcissists also manipulate the flying monkeys through gaslighting, distorting the truth and making them doubt their own perceptions or the reality of the situation. The flying monkeys may come to genuinely believe the lies and false narratives the narcissist feeds them.
Flattery and Favoritism: Some flying monkeys are motivated by the narcissist’s approval or the desire to stay in their good graces. Narcissists are masters of flattery, and they may appeal to the ego or insecurities of their enablers to secure their loyalty. Flying monkeys may feel important or special because the narcissist confides in them or gives them a position of perceived power.
Fear or Coercion: In certain cases, flying monkeys may act out of fear of the narcissist. Knowing the narcissist’s capacity for retaliation, they may comply with their demands in order to avoid becoming a target themselves. This dynamic is common in workplace or family settings, where flying monkeys may feel pressured to align with the narcissist to protect their own interests.
What Flying Monkeys Do in Narcissistic Abuse
Once recruited, flying monkeys engage in various behaviors that further the narcissist’s abuse. They may unwittingly spread rumors, enforce the narcissist’s manipulations, or even participate in gaslighting the victim. Flying monkeys can be instrumental in isolating the victim from their support network, making it harder for the victim to recognize and escape the narcissistic abuse.
Here are some common roles and actions that flying monkeys take in a narcissist’s campaign:
Spreading Gossip and Lies: One of the primary roles of flying monkeys is to spread the narcissist’s version of events. They may repeat lies, exaggerations, or false accusations about the victim, often without even verifying the truth of these claims. The goal is to tarnish the victim’s reputation and turn others against them.
Invalidating the Victim’s Experience: Flying monkeys often serve to invalidate the victim’s feelings and experiences. They may tell the victim that they are overreacting, misinterpreting the narcissist’s intentions, or even to blame for the situation. This can leave the victim feeling confused, isolated, and doubting their own reality.
Enabling the Narcissist’s Behavior: Flying monkeys enable the narcissist’s toxic behavior by defending or excusing their actions. They may tell the victim things like, “That’s just how they are,” or “They didn’t mean it,” thereby allowing the narcissist to continue their abusive patterns without consequences.
Acting as a Spy: Some flying monkeys take on the role of spying for the narcissist. They may relay information back to the narcissist about what the victim is saying or doing, keeping the narcissist informed about the victim’s actions or state of mind. This allows the narcissist to stay one step ahead and continue their manipulation.
Targeting the Victim: In extreme cases, flying monkeys can actively participate in the abuse. They might harass the victim, confront them with accusations, or pressure them to apologize to the narcissist. This can add an additional layer of trauma for the victim, who not only has to deal with the narcissist but also their enablers.
Why Flying Monkeys Support Narcissists
Flying monkeys do not always realize they are being used as pawns in the narcissist’s manipulative game. They may believe they are helping a friend or family member who has been wronged. In some cases, flying monkeys are motivated by their own unresolved emotional needs or vulnerabilities. Here are some reasons why people become flying monkeys:
Believing the Narcissist’s Lies: Many flying monkeys genuinely believe the narcissist’s sob stories. Narcissists are skilled storytellers who excel at playing the victim, and their flying monkeys may feel a genuine sense of duty to protect or support them.
Fear of Retaliation: Flying monkeys may be afraid of the narcissist’s anger or retribution. In environments where the narcissist holds power (such as in a workplace or family), flying monkeys may feel that aligning with the narcissist is safer than opposing them.
Desire for Approval: Some flying monkeys crave the narcissist’s approval and attention. Narcissists can be incredibly charming and know how to make people feel special. Flying monkeys may be motivated by the desire to stay in the narcissist’s favor.
Lack of Awareness: Many flying monkeys don’t realize they are being manipulated. They may not understand the narcissist’s true nature or the depth of the narcissistic abuse. Without a clear understanding of what’s really happening, they can be easily misled.
The Impact on the Victim
For the victim, dealing with flying monkeys can be just as distressing as dealing with the narcissist themselves. The flying monkeys’ actions serve to reinforce the narcissist’s abuse, making it harder for the victim to seek support or defend themselves. It can be especially hurtful when the flying monkeys are mutual friends, family members, or colleagues who the victim thought they could trust.
Isolation: One of the main effects of flying monkeys is that they further isolate the victim. By spreading rumors, invalidating the victim’s experiences, or turning others against them, the flying monkeys cut off the victim’s access to support systems.
Emotional Manipulation: The flying monkeys may engage in emotional manipulation, making the victim question their reality, doubt their feelings, or believe they are the problem in the situation.
Prolonged Abuse: With flying monkeys reinforcing the narcissist’s lies and manipulations, the abuse is prolonged. The victim may feel trapped, as they are not only dealing with the narcissist’s attacks but also the coordinated efforts of the flying monkeys.
How to Protect Yourself from Flying Monkeys
If you are the target of a narcissist’s flying monkeys, it’s essential to protect yourself both emotionally and practically. Here are some strategies:
Set Boundaries: It’s crucial to set clear, firm boundaries with flying monkeys. Limit your interactions with them, and do not engage in conversations that involve the narcissist.
Don’t Defend Yourself: Flying monkeys are often so entrenched in the narcissist’s narrative that trying to defend yourself or explain the truth will likely be futile. It’s better to detach and protect your energy rather than trying to change their minds.
Seek Support from Safe People: Surround yourself with people who truly understand your situation and who can offer validation and support. Whether it’s trusted friends, family, or a therapist, having a strong support system is vital.
Document Everything: If the flying monkeys are actively targeting or harassing you, keep a record of their behavior. Documentation can be important, especially if the situation escalates.
Cut Ties if Necessary: In some cases, it may be necessary to cut ties with the flying monkeys altogether. If they are actively supporting the narcissist’s abuse, distancing yourself may be the only way to protect your well-being.
Conclusion
The term “flying monkeys” is a powerful metaphor for the people who aid narcissists in their manipulation and abuse. These enablers can play a significant role in prolonging the harm inflicted on the victim, making it harder to escape the narcissist’s influence. Understanding the role of flying monkeys and how they operate can help victims of narcissistic abuse better protect themselves and recognize the tactics being used against them. By setting boundaries and seeking support, victims can begin to break free from the toxic dynamic and regain control over their lives.
