If you do something wrong, it’s normal to apologize. But, while some people find it difficult to say sorry, others get into the habit of saying sorry too much.

It’s easy to make assumptions about people who never say sorry when they make mistakes. We assume they are arrogant, or perhaps narcissistic. Maybe they are overconfident and don’t think they are wrong.

But what about people who say sorry all the time? They can’t always be wrong, can they? Are they the exact opposite of those who never say sorry? Is it due to lack of self-esteem? Or is there something else going on?

Here are some examples of saying sorry too much:

A neighbor is blasting music at two in the morning. You knock on their door and say, “I’m sorry, would you mind turning that down a little?”
You meet a stranger on the street and you say sorry.
The supermarket is empty, but all the store employees are talking and laughing together. You approach them and say: “I’m sorry to bother you…”

A friend visiting someone across the street has blocked your drive. You go to their house and say, “I’m sorry, can you move your car so I can get out?”

Your pizza delivery guy has delivered the wrong order. You can call the takeaway: “Sorry, but I think you served me the wrong pizza.”
In all of the above scenarios, you are not to blame, but you apologized anyway. So why do we do that? Is it because sorry is just a comforting word? Does this make us appear polite and well-mannered?

5 Things you say sorry reveal a lot about you

You are afraid of confrontation

Apologizing is a quick and easy way to get out of an argument or situation. It immediately appeases the aggressor. People who fear confrontation will say sorry to avoid conflict. They accept responsibility for something they did not do rather than address the problem directly.

Often, children who grew up in hostile environments where violence was the norm will learn behaviors to reduce further escalation. One way to do this as an adult is to say sorry often.

You lack confidence in standing up for yourself.

If you were not good enough as a child or were punished when you made mistakes, you may now lack the confidence as an adult to speak up. You think you can’t be right about a discussion or argument.

So, instead of adding your point of view, you apologize. You are submissive in your behavior because you lack confidence in your abilities. You automatically assume that you are wrong and the other person is right.

Don’t want to cause offense.

Having empathy for others is a good character trait. However, bending over backwards to hide your feelings is not healthy. We all want people to like us. Having opinions and beliefs is what attracts us to other like-minded people.

But we cannot like everyone, and we cannot expect everyone to like us back. Get your sense of worth from within, not by keeping the people around you happy all the time.

You must apologize to justify your behavior.

Of course, some people tend to apologize too much because their behavior is terrible. Maybe they should apologize to excuse their drunken behavior. Or maybe they are used to apologizing after a violent episode.

If you say sorry too much, you disavow your behavior. You think that by saying sorry the episode is forgotten; I finish. not. Victims of abuse don’t remember to apologize. It is the violence or harsh words that stick with them. Admitting your anger is the only way to save your relationship.

You are calm and have no ego.

Some people don’t care about being right. All they want is an easy life, but not because they are afraid of confrontation. They will defend themselves if they feel the situation is serious enough.

But for silly little things that are of no consequence to them, they are happy to apologize and move on. Their ego is big enough to take on whatever problems the next person has. It’s not that they don’t have an ego. Rather, they have evolved enough to know what matters and what doesn’t.

The psychology of apology

We might assume that saying sorry too much is just a personality trait. While it is true that the habit of apologizing all the time is linked to certain behaviors, that is not the whole story.

Studies show that we have developed an adaptive reason to say sorry.

I’ll explain what I mean. Imagine that a stranger approaches you and asks you to use your phone.

Consider the following requests:

“Can I borrow the phone?”
“I’m sorry, but can I borrow your phone?”
What request will get a positive response from you?

Research suggests that less than 10% of people have given away their phone when asked without an apology. But 50% gave up their phones when the stranger apologized beforehand.

This research suggests that we use unnecessary apologies to build a relationship of trust with others.

#How to Stop Saying Sorry Too Much

Once a habit is formed, it becomes difficult to break it. But by knowing the triggers and situations that trigger this behavior, you can control it.

#Stop before you say sorry.

Before you apologize, tell yourself: Am I wrong here? If you haven’t done anything that warrants an apology, don’t say sorry.

#Be prepared for alternatives to apology.

Sometimes it’s easier to say “sorry.” For example, you’re at a bar, and you can’t get service. Get the waiter’s attention – ‘Excuse me, can I get a drink?’

There is no need to say you are sorry. This is their job to serve you. Consider alternatives such as “Excuse me”, “Sorry”, “Thank you for waiting”, “Would you mind speaking”, “Can you please clarify that?”, “After you”, “Go on”, “Thank you for the clarification.” “I would like to add.”

#Learn your motivators.

Some people apologize in certain situations. It could be something as simple as always showing up late and then apologizing profusely. Instead of using your apology to dismiss your behavior, why not address the real issue of your tardiness?

It’s important to know why you say sorry all the time because it may reveal something you don’t want to deal with.

Be grateful instead of sorry.

Apologizing because someone helped you, did you a favor, or did something for you is not healthy for you or that person. Instead of saying

“I’m really sorry I wanted you to work so late this evening.”

Why not show this person gratitude by saying

“Thank you so much for helping me work late tonight.”

Not only will it make you feel better about asking for a favor, but showing gratitude boosts the other person’s self-esteem when you thank them. Think about whether you would rather apologize or thank someone. It really does make a difference.