Narcissus, the Greek mythological figure from whom we get the term “narcissist,” was a ridiculously beautiful young man. Because of his extreme beauty, people from all over the world fell in love with him. But he never returned their feelings, and left behind a trail of rejections, including one potential suitor who committed suicide. Narcissus’s mother was warned by a prophet that Narcissus would live a long life—only if he never got to know himself. Seeing how disregarded Narcissus was for those who fell in love with him, the gods played a cruel trick. Narcissus saw his reflection in the water and fell in love with his beautiful self. Narcissus wasn’t interested in anyone else—he simply wanted to gaze at his reflection. From then on, his entire existence depended on what was reflected at him.
Like the original Narcissus, when a narcissist looks into your eyes—not to mention hears the words you say and sees the actions you take—they want to see themselves reflected. More than that, they want to see a certain version of themselves—the version they’ve cultivated to appear successful, attractive, and popular—reflected in you. You can mirror the narcissist’s version of themselves, however delusional, by approving of them, complimenting them, and acting the way they want you to act. As long as you do that, you can be the narcissist’s best friend, lover, or favorite child.
Narcissists are always looking at the outside, and they want to see in your eyes that you adore and accept them as the wonderful people they’ve imagined them to be. Perhaps most importantly, they’re looking for validation. Deep down, they may know that the version of themselves they present to the outside world is built on very shaky foundations—they need to see in your eyes that you believe in them and support them and that you validate what they choose to project.
The moment you break a narcissist’s mirror or distort their reflection—by challenging them, disagreeing with them, or pointing out lies in their version of themselves—they react aggressively. Imagine you’ve spent a long time getting your face and hair together, and while you’re staring into your favorite mirror, someone comes up behind you with a sledgehammer and smashes it. That’s how bad a narcissist feels when you disagree with them, which is why their reactions are so extreme and disproportionate. Whether they use passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive means, the narcissist will make sure you never break their mirror again.
Narcissists try to make sure that they have people in their lives who reflect what they want to see. That’s what they need – just as Narcissus needed his precious reflection in the pool. Being that reflection means you’re as passive as that pool of water, too afraid to break or even stain the narcissist’s mirror. If you want to have a voice, to be free from fear and limitations, and to live a life where your every move isn’t monitored in case it offends the narcissist in your life, you need to commit to taking back control of your life. Changing your role in a narcissistic relationship is difficult, and many people can only do it by leaving. It’s important to seek out the support you need during this process. You may find it helpful to seek out the help of a suitably qualified therapist. To find a therapist, visit the Psychotherapy Directory today.
