I love you can mean many things. A gesture to a friend. A whisper to an elderly relative in their sick bed. A cuddle with your favorite pet on the couch.
It’s also a beautiful way to remind the person you’ve chosen to be with how much they mean to you.
To you and me, I love you encompasses a lot, but to a narcissist, it’s just three words used as an ulterior motive.
But what does I love you really mean to a narcissist? What are they actually trying to say?
Love at its core
We all love, we all want to be loved, and we all respect and cherish the love we feel for others.
Right?
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When I say everything, I don’t include narcissists.
I never could!
Narcissists don’t know how to cherish anything but their own ego. To them, love is weakness. Love is silly. Love is pathetic.
But if they have to say it, there’s usually a reason.
I hate that so many good people fall into the category of people who don’t get enough love in their relationships.
Through the tricks and twists that the narcissist draws for them, this is the worst. Those who deserve love are the ones who feel it the least.
So, when the narcissist insists on creating a space of danger for the victim, he is adding intentional moments of safety that the victim clings to.
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One moment of safety is saying I love you.
So, narcissists are good at love too?
Oh – that depends.
For narcissists, they are good at loving material things.
Expensive cars.
Expensive vacations.
House that lavishly reflects how much money they make.
The types of sports you might find the world’s richest people watching or playing.
Love is not usually about people.
When they love, they love things.
If a narcissist says they love you, they usually mean one of several things.
“You’re Mine Now”
The first, and most possessive, is that you’re mine now.
If any narcissist talks about their feelings for you in this way, it’s because they want to reassure themselves and you that you belong to them.
I know that doesn’t sound right (which is why they won’t start by telling you that you belong to them), but that’s how they feel that they own you.
And trust me when I say that it only gets better from there…
“This is Love”
Love is not words.
While there is only one way to say I love you, there are a million ways to express that love.
Narcissists don’t like to express any kind of positive emotion (note how they are adept at expressing anger and emotion).
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However, they hope that the words “I love you” will be enough to satisfy you.
For those of you who have a history of abusive relationships, you’ll probably love hearing these words.
They come so thick that you’ll almost feel grateful that you got something from the narcissist.
This is what they call breadcrumbs. It’s a term used when someone throws a little something your way when you’re used to getting nothing at all.
Suddenly, those few crumbs mean everything.
This is the very low bar that narcissists set, yet somehow it seems bigger than the world to their victims.
“I make the decisions”
In an attempt to assert their power over you, they will whisper how much they love you as a reminder that their love comes with terms and conditions.
These terms and conditions are written in very small print, and most people who fall for a narcissist fail to read them all.
Narcissists are the payday loan sharks of humanity. Whatever you borrow, you owe them a hundredfold.
And what can you do about it? Not much when you’re in love, trapped in the trauma bond they’ve created in the first few weeks of “getting to know you” of meeting.
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It’s hard to believe that they don’t make the decisions when the dynamics are building so quickly.
“I want sex”
When the mood takes over a narcissist, they are looking for intimacy with you. So what is the one thing they need to do to get that better, faster, and more intensely?
They need to speak the language of the victim.
The language of the victim is the language of most good, emotionally healthy people in relationships.
That means hearing and saying “I love you” on a regular basis. The narcissist is not comfortable with the concept of love, but what they will do is step in and say it if it means they can get their evil way with you between the sheets.
It’s about what the narcissist wants, and what they are willing to do to make it happen.
Sex is their love language. They will manipulate your language to get what they want.
“I need a favor”
And the person receiving these words?
Of course they want to hear them!
They become the best version of themselves when the narcissist makes it clear that they love them.
But look – what’s that in the distance?
It’s a favor I’m asking you to do!
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And so the victim’s world collapses a little bit more, because they know that “I love you” was loaded with hope and expectation that you would help them with something.
“Sure. I’ll calm you down for a little while”
Do you need to hear those three words?
Well, good news!
The narcissist is happy to deliver them just to get you off their back.
To the narcissist, you’re a clingy person looking for some affection.
It’s very annoying to them that the basic need that a person needs from time to time in a relationship is to be told that they are loved.
That’s the whole point of the relationship, isn’t it?
If you need more on a particular day or occasion, the narcissist will say whatever it takes to get you to stop bothering them.
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What they want is to be able to breathe, and they don’t feel like they can do that with all your honest, loving, and affectionate words and actions coming their way.
They find it all uncomfortable, and they just want you to stop so they can get on with their day.
Saying “I love you” is their best chance to convince you to leave them alone.
So it’s nice of them to… no.
