Many years ago, when my son was studying the Mafia in school, he wondered out loud how difficult it would be for the police to catch Mafia members. After all, they all sit in bars, wear white jackets, smoke, and conspire. (He’s never seen Goodfellas)!
Surely, if this smart 5-year-old can figure that out, what’s holding the police back? You simply arrest anyone wearing a dirty white jacket and looking suspiciously evil.
In fact, I lived in London during the height of the IRA terrorist attacks, and the police largely adopted this policy. You’re male, you’re in your twenties, you’re in a white van – you must be an Irish terrorist. I think they could have driven across London in a green van with a giant shamrock on the side and the police would never have batted an eye, but Prince William in a white van would have been fair game.
It usually goes like a smooth, good-looking guy who arrives out of nowhere. No one knows him, he has no history, but suddenly he creeps into the family with his big smile and helpful nature, and I’m on the edge of my seat.
How could they not see through those good looks? Don’t they think it strange that he came out of nowhere and singled out this single mother and her miserable brood? Emotional abuse starts out mild at first, then seems to escalate quickly. And still nothing – no recognition on the face of the unfortunate victim.
Related : How To Tell If He’s A Malignant Narcissist — The Most Dangerous Kind Of All
You feel like screaming at the screen; You may pull your hair out of frustration. How could she not see what was happening?! How could she be so stupid?!
That was my impression of a narcissist, and frankly, I thought that if you couldn’t spot a narcissist, you must be kind of stupid. And yeah, admit it, I thought you probably deserved it.
I have to say as someone who works with clients to find solutions to their relationships or life problems, I tend to shy away from labels. Often times when we label someone else it takes away from our ability to heal ourselves.
It becomes very tempting to remain in “victim mode” instead of taking responsibility for the situation you find yourself in and working to find the missing pieces deep inside. This way, you can understand why or how you allowed yourself or opened yourself up to this type of individual and his behavior.
Naturally, my position on this is that no one can treat us disrespectfully without our consent. However, there is always an exception to the rule, and discovering a narcissist is no exception.
What if you don’t know otherwise? What if you were born into the arms of a narcissist and his control was so comprehensive that it was just your reality?
You believe everything you are told; No physical assault. In fact, you’re pretty much left to your own devices as long as you tow the line, and follow the rules, of which there are many and which are all aimed at keeping you small, insignificant, and completely emotionally closed off.
What if you were so completely brainwashed that you not only fell in line, but felt in awe and dreamed of growing up to be just like that person?
What if you’ve been manipulated to the point where you strive to be the good girl or boy because maybe, just maybe, you’ll hear all those elusive words? “I love you, you’re enough.”
Of course, they will never come, but that doesn’t stop you from trying. It is your life’s mission to be enough and to be loved because, in truth, you know that if you are not enough even for your mother or father, then who will you ever be enough for?
This is the face of narcissism that few talk about. But this is my story, which still hurts to admit. And yes, I feel so stupid, just like those women in the movies, how could I not see that? How did I not realize this until it was almost too late?
How can I know better when part of the manipulation is taught not to let people know, and here they are – all enemies, not to be trusted? And lest I get the idea that I deserve to be loved, were there enough tales thrown at me to keep me quiet?
There was also a huge amount of guilt in being me! Nothing I did was ever celebrated, no matter how great my efforts were. However, I have put a lot of effort into ensuring that I understand that it is not fair for me to appear to always be on my feet.
Over and over again, during nearly 35 years of this abuse, I excluded my father from my life; I was required to have a fighting chance to be loved. And I still never wondered. Oh yeah, as I write this, I feel stupid, manipulated, and, at times, question my own opinion.
Another thing I’ve learned to do – by denying feelings, rewriting situations, or simply reframing them to fit a picture – is to wonder if others feel as miserable as I do, that life seems unnecessarily difficult, and that the world is a lonely place. But I never asked because I had nothing to feel sad about.
Related : How To Love Fearlessly After Your Heart Was Broken By A Narcissist
I had so much more than I ever deserved. Yes, I knew because my mother had been hinting at it for 30 years. In recent years, when she lost her grip on me, there were no more innuendos, only insults and some real colors showing.
Energy options! I still have days when I wonder if I made this whole thing up, just like you told me I did. That she was the one who suffered at my hands, that I made her life so difficult, and heaven knows what she did to deserve me.
So, yeah, those movies have a lot to answer for. They do not show how smart and intelligent the narcissist is. They don’t show them as an average type. They are always beautiful people, mostly men, and their motives seem premeditated and aimed at destruction.
I don’t think my mother’s motive was to destroy me, although it almost did. I have tried hard to live up to her expectations and she in turn lives up to her mother’s expectations. That was all she knew.
However, when my children came and my life fell apart, I couldn’t understand how I could treat my children the way I had been treated. I couldn’t accept her point of view on relationships and communication. You have tasted the unconditional love you only feel with a child. I was confused because the rules I followed didn’t fit with being a mother.
Of course, I tried to make it work, but in the end, something had to be defeated, and that’s where my inward journey began.
It took a lot of work and many years of forgiving myself and creating a positive sense of who I was before the penny finally dropped.
I wasn’t seeing the signs that others were picking up on. I was happier than I had ever been. My kids were happy and my husband was ecstatic; He liked this version of me. I was catching up with old friends and seemed to be attracting new people into my life.
My mother was the only one who wasn’t happy, felt out of control over me, and started punishing me in subtle ways that no one could see and could be justified as just misunderstanding me. Then other people started sharing their story of a narcissistic parent who planted the seed in my mind.
Finally, in a conversation with my therapist, she said, “How could your mother make so many snide comments by accident? I thought you said she was very careful about the image she portrayed.”
