You might think that narcissistic people only love themselves – like Narcissus who fell in love with his reflection in classical Greek myth – but quite the opposite is true.
The narcissist usually experiences deep feelings of shame and low self-esteem. The greatness they see, the clamor for admiration, is a way to push away all those hurtful feelings about themselves.
How could I have anything to be ashamed of when I am so admired and loved? To enhance themselves and boost their ego, some narcissists crave admiration and envy. Others want you to fall in love with them.
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If you love a narcissist and the narcissist feeds off your desire, he or she becomes skilled at arousing such feelings in you.
They can make you feel important and appreciated, and shower you with affection so you feel special. He may give you small thoughtful gifts, compliment you, and devote himself to your pleasure in bed. The narcissist strokes your ego, pampers you, and plants the seeds of your love.
I do not mean to suggest that such behavior is always conscious and intentional. Narcissists deceive themselves about their true emotional motivations, often believing they have truly fallen in love.
What the narcissist desires is the ideal kind of romantic love that seems to be the answer to everything. Falling in love can feel like a drug, and it is the most wonderful drug we humans know because it temporarily blinds us to our mistakes and flaws, and to the dissatisfaction we may feel in other areas of our lives.
It makes us feel as if we are the center of the universe and have everything. Nothing looks better…while it lasts.
Perfect romantic love never lasts, of course. Under the best of circumstances, it develops into something more realistic and sustainable, as two imperfect people discover each other’s virtues and faults and grow to appreciate the good in each other—but also to accept the disappointments.
True narcissists cannot handle such an experience. Being “real” with their partners means they have to have a more authentic relationship with themselves as well, and with the shame and low self-esteem they so desperately want to avoid.
So when romantic love begins to fade under the pressure of reality, especially if the partner begins to find fault, the narcissist falls “out of love.”
If this kind of love isn’t perfect and happily ever after, it has no value. The narcissist believes that the problem must lie with the other person. The better person will be able to keep the flames of romantic love burning forever. And so he gets rid of you. He puts you in the trash and looks for perfect love elsewhere.
Over the course of his life, the narcissist will have many love partners and perhaps many marriages, some lasting a few weeks, others a few years. You probably know these people yourself, but if you don’t, look to the world of celebrities for examples.
Because stardom offers the possibility of endless “love” and admiration from fans, this world is powerfully attractive to the narcissist. If he achieves fame and then falls in love with another star, he may feel as if he’s got it all. He may think he’s reached the pinnacle of his existence, with adoring celebrity admirers and an enviably perfect marriage—at least until reality starts intruding and everything falls apart.
Then comes infidelity, estrangement, and an ugly public divorce. How many times have you seen that very cycle unfold on the covers of People magazine or tabloids in the checkout line at the supermarket?
Over the years, Charlie Sheen has given us the most obvious and tragic example of a narcissist in love. In 1995, he married model Brittany Ashland, and they divorced just one year later. On the set of Good Alice, he later met and fell in love with fellow actor Denise Richards. When they got married, it seemed like he had it all. They divorced three years later, and his third marriage, to Brooke Mueller, lasted only two years.
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In recent years, he lived in a threesome with two women, one a former porn star and the other a model. He calls them “gods.” If you listen to his interviews, it is clear that he desperately wants to believe us and convince us that he lives an enviable life, which we mere mortals cannot begin to understand. I don’t wallow in shame over the mess in my life and all the damage I’ve caused – I’ve got it all!
The truth is, he wasn’t living the dream life all the time. He was HIV positive and was really struggling. Several women have come forward to accuse Sheen of not sharing his HIV status with him before having sex. OK.
When romantic love fails, the narcissist may try to “buy” love instead or turn to prostitution for a short-term, ego boost. Charlie Sheen’s preference for the company of prostitutes is well known. Tiger Woods may suffer from a similar type of narcissism, given his bad history with call girls.
