You’ve decided the relationship is over, but now you’re wondering what to do when the narcissist wants to stay friends.
I’m tired of the fierce fighting and crazy drama. You’re tired of feeling manipulated or abused, and you’re starting to realize that you deserve better from a partner. Whether it’s been a few months or many years, you want to start moving on and healing.
But now, the narcissist wants us to be friends. What does this proposal mean to you? Can this friendship succeed? Are there any serious risks that you should know about? And what’s the real motive behind that – why would they want to be your friend?
Let’s dig.
Understand how narcissists perceive separation
If you’re not sure why your narcissistic ex would want to stay friends—especially if the relationship has become very messy—it’s important to understand how the narcissistic mindset works.
First, narcissists live by their own rules. This is crucial to remember. This means that they are not necessarily sensitive to societal norms. For example, although it is socially appropriate to give people space after a breakup, this does not mean that the narcissist cares about, understands, or chooses to respect these boundaries.
Instead, the narcissist tends to respond to the breakup in the following ways.
Reject / Minimize
just kidding. Of course I love you!
We were just fighting, and we both said things we regretted.
It wasn’t actually a breakup. Let’s start over.
Do any of these lines sound familiar? It’s part of the narcissistic soundtrack—they’re manipulative statements meant to put a spotlight on you. Instead of acknowledging the truth of what happened, they twist it to make it seem like you misunderstood or overreacted.
Grandiose Promises
You may have wanted to get married for years. Suddenly, the narcissist shows up at your doorstep with a velvet box and a ring. Maybe you want to move to a new city. Now, the narcissist is calling you and telling you that they have bought your dream home.
What’s going on?
When a narcissist loses something of perceived value, they will often do everything they can to get it back. If they value you (because of something they can get from you), they will work hard to try to make you happy again.
Unfortunately, these desires are incredibly short-lived. Once they win you over, they rarely follow through on their promises. Instead, they revert to their usual tactics.
Hear Campaigns
You totally broke my heart. I should have known I couldn’t trust her.
I’m sure she was cheating on me.
I wanted to work things out, but she wasn’t even trying. It’s very frustrating.
Narcissists love to denigrate their ex to gain attention, sympathy, and validation from others. Smudging is a total power move — it’s an attempt to bring you down while boosting your ego at the same time.
The type of staining ranges in intensity. Some will try to harm you to your immediate friends and family. But other narcissists will go to great lengths to discredit you.
More mind-boggling, they often continue to denigrate you to others while telling you that they want to work things out!
Excessive hoover
I was just in the area and wanted to see how you are doing.
Oh, I didn’t mean to call you… How are you?
I know it’s your birthday today. I just wanted to tell you that I’m thinking of you.
Harassment tactics all have the same motive: to re-pull you into the narcissist’s world. Narcissists try to sneak their way back into your life while presenting innocent, oblivious, or sympathetic images.
Make no mistake about it. Hoovering is a powerful technique designed to make you feel guilty, confused, or upset about your decision to move on. Oftentimes, bullshit becomes so intolerable that people succumb to the narcissist’s control.
Why do narcissists want to be friends?
At first, it may seem strange, especially if you both had a violent breakup. But narcissists do not have random motives. They calculate their moves, and they have reasons why they do what they do. Let’s explore more.
They want to be friends…with benefits
For the narcissist, a friends with benefits relationship may be the best of both worlds. They don’t have to commit to you while enjoying the benefits of sex and intimacy.
At first, you might seriously consider this option, especially if you both had a turbulent relationship together. You might assume that keeping things purely physical would reduce or even eliminate the emotional drama.
But things don’t work that way. Instead, the narcissist tends to have more power and control. They often throw love bombs (I miss the good times we had… you were always so good to me… I love the time we spend together) to keep you connected.
Plus, the friends-with-benefits dynamic gives them the freedom to sleep with other people. And more often than not, the narcissist will enjoy having multiple sexual partners while you’re still nervous about your relationship and hoping things will change.
Even worse, you might become their confidante for their “relationship issues” with the new show! Imagine having to hear a breakdown of how interested they are in the new supply, how they consider popping the question, or even how the new supply doesn’t meet their material desires!
Being friends with a narcissist simply means that they will continue to use you and play with your mind, just without any expectations of reciprocity.
They are not getting their narcissistic supplies elsewhere
Narcissists feel empty without external approval, and they depend on other people to meet their emotional needs. This is one of the reasons why they are often unfaithful and have backup partners.
But sometimes a new show doesn’t work the way they hoped. Narcissists get bored and unsettled very easily. If someone doesn’t make them feel loved or important, they are no longer attractive. Thus, they may come back to you, especially if they know you will give them the attention they so crave.
They want your money or other resources
Do you pay rent or cell phone bill? Do they always seem to run out of money or just need a few bucks here and there?
If you’ve always loaned the narcissist money, it shouldn’t come as a surprise when they want to stay friends. At this point, it’s become an automated teller machine – and they know they can count on you when they feel obligated to get cash. If you try to set healthy boundaries, they will often react defensively or accuse you of being selfish or cruel.
If they don’t want money, they may want access to other resources, like your car or home. Creating boundaries around this behavior can be challenging. If you are used to sharing your things with them, it can be hard to say no.
They want to impress others
Sometimes narcissists want to stay friends just because they know they look good. They want praise and attention for being a “great person.”
In public, they may try to show off your friendship. We didn’t succeed, but I love her and will always take care of her! Or, they may be spinning it to make it look like they’re doing you a huge favor. She’s having a hard time with everything. The least I can do is be a good friend.
This need for excitement may be more pronounced if you have children together. Narcissists want to appear like the perfect parent. Therefore, they may go out of their way to tell people that they want to keep things civil for the sake of the kids.
But behind closed doors, the story is usually quite different. With no one to impress, they let their guard down. They don’t compliment you, and they don’t seem to value the relationship. Instead, it’s about having you in the background, so they can watch and control your behavior even though they keep doing whatever they want.
They know you will bring them back
What is the most common reason why narcissists want to be friends? They know you still crave them.
Narcissists thrive on being the center of attention. If they know you will keep coming back, they will have no incentive to change their behaviour. They get exactly what they want – every time.
Is a narcissistic friendship worth it?
In short answer, no.
For a more comprehensive answer, you must remember that narcissists are not capable of forming real relationships. Research shows that they lack the true empathy needed for human connection. For them, relationships are not just a matter of mutual give and take.
Instead, narcissists use people to satisfy their own needs. It’s not about making you happy. It is about taking back their power and control. It is about making them feel appreciated and loved. And they usually turn on you the moment those needs feel compromised…or even if they’re simply angry at a new offer.
You’ve always been stuffing yourself as an emotional receiver so they can unload their drama and anger on you… and being their “friend” will be no different.
What do you do if a narcissist wants us to be friends?
After a breakup, it’s a good idea to prepare yourself for the emotional rush of feelings you may experience. It’s normal to alternate between feeling sad, angry, confused, and insecure. It’s also natural to wonder if you made the right choice.
Expect that they will try to get back at you. Expect that he will try to reach out to your family, friends, or anyone else who will listen. Expect them to tell you that they want to give it another chance, that they’ve changed, or that you’re the only one who truly understands them.
However, even when a narcissist wants to remain friends, it is imperative that you stand your ground. Don’t give the narcissist any more of your time, attention, or resources. If you want the drama to end, you have to be willing to disconnect.
At first, it may seem difficult, but no contact is the only way to achieve this goal. If you want to feel free, here are some helpful resources:
1 – Break Free Program – Discover techniques derived from behavioral therapy (vetted by the psychological and neuropsychological communities) to finally recover your life.
2 – The Thrive Program – Rediscover your lost self after narcissistic abuse (and prepare for true love).
