What I’m about to say is not something I’m going to say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-take-all game that is the main source of joy in life – and which actually keeps you carrying my burden in our relationship.
And that’s the point.
When I say “I love you” I mean that I love the effort you make to make me feel like I’m your everything, that I’m the center of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I would never expect you to do the same.
I love the power I have to tap into your kindness and intentions to be kind, and the pleasure I derive from making myself feel huge compared to you, and taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.
I love the feeling it gives me to think of you as weak, weak, and emotionally tender, and I love to look down on you for your childish innocence and naivety as a weakness.
I love the way I feel when I know that through gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” even when problems are brought up or brought up This I don’t care, actually, lower your expectations of me And what I can offer you, while raising your expectations of you.
I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on relieving my pain (never yours!), and that no matter what you do, you’ll never make me feel like I’m good enough, loved enough, respected enough, valued enough, and so on on me. (Misery loves company.)
(It’s not about the closeness, sympathy, or emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend interacting with you or the kids, etc. It’s about my place and doing my job in order to keep you where you are, hurting Focusing on feeling my pain prevents you from feeling appreciated. For me, I am superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration and comfort between us, remember?)
“I love you” means that I love the way I feel when you are with me, and more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property that I own, my life. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which it enhances my standing in the eyes of others, lets them know I’m the best, etc. I like to think that other people are jealous of my possessions.
I love the power I have to make you work hard to prove your love and devotion, and I wonder what else you have to do to “prove” your loyalty.
“I love you” means I like the way I feel when I’m with you. Given how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain cause me to constantly experience feelings of self-loathing; Thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and I also love to hate you for my “need” to depend on you or anyone for anything.
I like to have someone to blame whenever I feel this “want”; Feeling contempt for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, which is that I feel completely dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, to keep the illusion of power alive in my mind.
(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and weak than not being able to control something that would tarnish my image and superior position, like when you wonder “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that making you accept yourself as the subject of my pleasure is happy no matter what. How I treat you or my children – is the main proof of my superiority over the world.
You’re mine, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and be cruel to those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, like “closeness” and “emotional things.” By the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)
It makes me feel happy (more proof of my superiority) because I can easily make you flustered, make you act “crazy” for not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things you don’t want from me. You will hate yourself later (because of your “niceness”). Everything you say, any pains or complaints you share, you can be sure that I will make fun of you later for keeping you spinning in a hurry, always trying to explain yourself, always doubting yourself and feeling confused, trying to figure out why. Do not get it.
(There’s nothing to be gained! To break the code, you have to look through my lens, not mine! It’s my job to demonstrate complete disinterest in your emotional needs, your pain, and your desires, and to coach, dismiss, and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” which is: to You take your place as a voiceless thing, and property has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and has no say at all in how I treat it!)
I love making you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by caring about other women (and probably also others in general, friends, family members, kids… the list is endless). What power this gives me to offer what you do not get from me, to mock you and make you beg for what I so easily give to others, and I wonder why it is so easy to give what you want to others, or to express your feelings or affection, to give praise, that is, when it is My pleasure, in that case, is to watch you squirm.)
I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing little crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can convince you to trust me when I unlock the charm, tricking you into thinking, this time, I’m a change.
“I love you” means I need you because because of the self-loathing I carry inside me, I need someone who won’t give up on me and who I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making him feel bad about me. themselves. (This is how I enjoy myself, the way I drug myself, and the denial of the scary feelings I carry inside me that I wish I could never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, and that’s why I hate you, and everyone I hate.) Considered inferior, stupid, weak, etc.)
“I love you” means that I love to reform and shape your thoughts and beliefs, and control your mind, so that you consider me your miracle and your savior, the source of life and livelihood on which you depend, and your return to life. Like gravity, no matter how far you try to fly or jump.
I love that it makes me feel like a god, keeping you so focused (obsessed) on making me feel worshipped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so I don’t judge you, seeking to please everyone else, and by nature, with the only rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please .
I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessing over explaining yourself to me (and others), declaring your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (rather than realizing that you can’t make a “happy” person derive a sense of power and joy From feeling contempt for others, and for yourself!).
“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admirer’s eyes, your dope I feel happy, my devoted fan, my biggest fan and admirer, etc. You, in particular, no doubt look to me as the unerring, all-knowing, all-powerful source of knowledge as my favorite medicine.
(You’ve probably noticed how sensitive I am to the slightest sign of questioning; yes, I hate how vulnerable I feel at the slightest sign of thinking that you, or the world, might judge me for failing to keep my assets within bounds.)
And I love that, no matter how hard I beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel appreciated in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why should I allow it, when I am so addicted to deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that might be the wind beneath your wings, that I risk you flying away from me?
It gives me great pleasure not to give you what you crave, the tenderness you need and want, to burst all your dreams and bubbles, and then say to myself, “I’m not a fool.”
I would love to be able to control your attempts to “get” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” to what is your fault, your failure to value me and make me feel loved, good enough – and, of course, reminding you For everything I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.
I love how I subtly manipulate other people’s opinions of you too, having them side with me as a “good” guy, against you as a “bad” guy, and portray you as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, and selfish. Control and so on.
I love how easy it is to say “No!” To what might provide you with a sense of value and importance to me, with endless excuses, that I instead keep your focus on my needs and desires, my discomforts or my pain. I love feeling like I own your thoughts and ambitions and making sure that your wants and needs are focused solely on not bothering me and keeping me happy.
I would love to be your drug of choice, no matter how badly I treat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, and that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you value and value so deeply that it includes the people you love and those who love and support you. .
