Every relationship has its share of conflicts and solutions. However, dealing with relationship anxiety can make your love life stressful. Learn about the signs, causes, and how to overcome them.
Anxiety is common at the beginning of a relationship, but relationship anxiety can linger over the long haul. It indicates intense anxiety, fear, doubt, and insecurity about the relationship and is associated with personal dependence and avoidance of dealings with others. Insecurities about ourselves, our boundaries, and our self-esteem can cause relationship anxiety. Women are more susceptible to this than men.
What is relationship anxiety?
It is a form or symptom of self-reliance that is rooted in toxic shame and low self-esteem. The need for validation and love compensates for deep feelings of inability to love. However, because we do not feel entitled, we cannot accept the fact that we are loved. We assume that others judge us as we judge ourselves. Anticipating this generates anxiety.
Because of the fear of rejection or scrutiny, people with relationship anxiety may avoid situations in which others might be judged — especially their significant other.
This protective defense is counterproductive because it can increase feelings of isolation and unworthiness and deprive the person of intimate relationships, support, and necessary social activities. It can cause disruptive behavior and generate mistrust, conflict, emotional stress, fatigue, and apathy.
Signs include constant anxiety and a search for reassurance. People with relationship anxiety try to make a good impression to avoid judgment. In order to accommodate their partner and avoid abandonment, they are people pleasers and are not original. They block thoughts and feelings and don’t set personal boundaries to not make waves.
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Signs of relationship anxiety
Here are some typical behaviors you might engage in:
Obsessing over what is wrong in the relationship rather than what is right.
Doubting whether your partner loves you enough.
Worrying whether the relationship will last.
Separation to avoid rejection.
Avoid contact with eyes.
Doing things to avoid intimacy, such as looking at your cell phone, TV, computer, or excessive house cleaning.
Avoid sex, saying “I love you,” statements of commitment, being seen as a couple, or meeting each other’s friends and family.
Negative comparison of your relationship with previous relationships or other people’s relationships.
Focus only on incompatibilities.
Expecting something will go wrong and lead to emotional abandonment.
Frequent feelings of pain and insignificance, which accompany low self-esteem.
Overanalyzing and questioning your partner’s words and behavior.
Feelings of mistrust, envy, jealousy, shame and suspicion without good reason.
Dominant and possessive behavior.
Acting needy and demanding attention and reassurance.
Silencing your thoughts, needs, and feelings or withholding personal information that you fear could jeopardize the relationship.
starting quarrels or testing your partner for reassurance; For example, flirting, the threat of separation.
Shyness and fear create cognitive distortions that lead to negative deflection from perceptions of reality and the intentions and behavior of others. This, in turn, makes you unhappy and reinforces feelings of shame and trauma.
Physical relationship anxiety can show signs of anxiety, such as chest tightness, rapid and shallow breathing, stomach problems, increased pulse, sweating, chills, flushing, nervousness, extreme anxiety, chest pain or pressure, legs trembling, or feeling faint.
Cause of relationship anxiety
The reason lies in childhood due to parental shaming and abandonment trauma. A parent may be dysfunctional, toxic, abusive, narcissistic, idealistic, distant, or intrusive.
The now adult child may act like that parent or project that behavior onto their partner. If you are criticized, controlled, or ignored, you may assume that your partner does, too. It is helpful to do a reality check with other people or a psychotherapist.
People with relationship anxiety have an insecure attachment style, which may be avoidance or anxious attachment and dependence on another person. The former avoids intimacy, while the latter often feels hurt and blames their partner for their feelings.
They may enter into relationships with others who are also insecure, abusive, and/or emotionally unavailable, thus repeating a cycle of abandonment. These experiences then prepare them to be hypervigilant and triggered by any sign of withdrawal or rejection.
Related: 7 Phrases Used By Covert Narcissists That Reveal Who They Are
Help with relationship anxiety
Instead of being indirect, questioning your needs, or silencing your needs, learn to be firm and direct with your partner about your needs for verbal affirmations and time together. See how they respond to determine if the relationship is right for you. Someone with a secure attachment style will provide you with more security than someone with an avoidant attachment
Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you manage your anxious, negative, and obsessive thoughts. Join a 12-step program, such as Coda.org or SLAA.org. Do the exercises in Overcoming Shame and Self-Reliance: 8 Steps to Freeing Your True Self to Address Underlying Shame and in Relying on Dummies to Stop Codependent Behavior. Psychotherapy can also help you process past trauma.
A mindfulness-based meditation practice helps deal with anxiety. Write down your feelings and thoughts that underlie your anxiety. Beware of negative self-talk and don’t judge yourself. Discuss your feelings with your partner in an assertive manner without blame.
Practice self-care with adequate sleep and regular exercise to balance your mood. Develop your hobbies, interests, and other friendships so that you don’t depend so much on your intimacy.
