Divorce or separation is one way to end a toxic, negative relationship. But separation doesn’t always stop the need for some level of communication, especially if you have children together.

Children need a relationship with their parents. So once their parents’ marriage or partnership ends, they may be bouncing back and forth between homes.

But let’s be honest: While children may enjoy quality time with mom and dad, constant communication and regular face-to-face interactions with an ex can be too much to handle.

If there’s a lot of hurt, anger, sadness, and resentment between two people, seeing each other all the time can open old wounds and cause conflict. If you find yourself in this situation, you may want to try a strategy called parallel parenting to keep things amicable — or at least bearable.

WhatIsParallelParenting?

When a relationship ends on bad terms, a couple’s anger and hatred for each other doesn’t automatically go away with the shared address. These feelings can linger for some time. And if that’s the case, every meeting can end in a screaming or shouting match — sometimes in front of the kids.

Parallel parenting in hostile situations reduces the amount of interaction between you and your ex. With less interaction, you are less likely to get on each other’s nerves and fight in the presence of your children.

This approach allows the adults to separate from each other, and then choose how to parent their children when the children are in their care.

This type of arrangement may be especially necessary when there is a history of mental health issues such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder, where a friendly relationship is impossible—either because one or both parents refuse to be reasonable or cooperative.

How is parallel parenting different from co-parenting?

Parallel parenting is not the same as co-parenting. With co-parenting, you have two parents who are friendly with each other, at least on the surface. Even though their relationship isn’t working out, they can get together and raise their children in a healthy environment.

That doesn’t mean that these parents don’t have bad feelings for each other, too. But they can put those issues aside. They work through problems together and can be in the same room without fighting. They may attend school meetings and children’s activities together. They may even throw parties for the children together.

With parallel parenting, everything is separate. These parents do not attend extracurricular activities, doctor’s appointments, or school meetings together. Communication is kept to a minimum and occurs only when necessary.

If you are coming out of a relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally abusive partner, parallel parenting is likely a healthier option than co-parenting. Don’t let anyone’s judgment tell you otherwise if you know this is the case.

What are the benefits of parallel parenting?

Some may claim that parallel parenting is not good for the child, or that it causes more stress for the child because it does not encourage a good relationship between the parents.

The truth is that parallel parenting can be beneficial because it prevents conflict in front of the children. This strategy, while unique, maybe in the best interests of your entire family.

Your young children may feel more secure and reassured. This approach can help them deal with divorce or separation. It may also be the cornerstone of eventual co-parenting – although don’t stress about getting there if that’s not possible.

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We all know that emotions run high immediately after a breakup. So it’s easier for parents to lose their cool with each other. Over time, parallel parenting can allow wounds to heal and resentments to fade. At this point, you may be able to resume communication without fighting.

Tips for Creating a Parallel Parenting Plan

A co-parenting plan may allow for some flexibility, but a parallel parenting plan is clear and precise to avoid as much communication between parents as possible.

To avoid problems, consider going to the family court to make all arrangements official.

Step 1: Determine how you will divide time with the children

This includes exactly which days your children will spend with one parent and which days they will spend with the other. You can also include details about where they will spend holidays, vacations, and even birthdays.

Step 2: Determine the start and end times for each visit

So that there are no misunderstandings or confusion, your parallel parenting plan should also include specific times for picking up and dropping off the children for each parent. For example, Mom might have the children start Sunday at 7 p.m. until they are dropped off at school on Friday, and Dad might have them start after school on Friday until 7 p.m. on Sunday.

Step 3: Determine where to pick up and drop off

The goal is to limit contact between the parents. So choose a neutral location for pick-up and drop-off. This could be a parking lot between both homes where the children can quickly move from one car to the other.

Depending on the level of hostility, you may want to arrange for someone else to transport the children between homes — perhaps a relative or neutral friend.

Step 4: Discuss how to handle cancellations

Cancellations will happen, so have a plan for dealing with these situations. Make it very clear whether the parent will be allowed to make up their time. If so, the plan should specify when they will be able to do so.

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For example, the parent might get an extra day off during the week, take extra vacation, or leave with the child.

Step 5: Have a plan for dealing with conflicts

When a parallel parenting plan works, conflicts are minimized. But no plan is perfect, especially when one parent is being difficult.

If you anticipate problems, ask the court to appoint a mediator (sometimes referred to as a parenting coordinator). Instead of arguing back and forth, you can schedule a meeting with the mediator to resolve the conflict.

Conclusion

Parallel parenting can be an excellent way to protect and shield children from endless fighting and hostility. This strategy is often recommended when parents are unable to interact amicably.

While it encourages separation, it also provides a cooling-off period where parents can work through their anger and pain—and ultimately, hopefully, develop a healthy co-parenting relationship.

For help in reaching a parallel parenting agreement, talk to a child custody attorney. And don’t forget to tell a few trusted friends what you’re going through, too—support is everything during difficult times like divorce and separation.