“Narcissism is an exaggeration, a malignant disease of a healthy phenomenon.”

Sam Vaknin

That’s what Sam Vaknin told WebMD in 1999. Vaknin is a self-confessed narcissist, and one of the few narcissists who has written books about the condition. And there’s a lot of truth to what he says here. I think he knows.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an exaggeration of a set of traits that we all have. We can all be self-obsessed. We can all be insecure. We all lie sometimes. But in narcissists, these traits are greatly enhanced.

I want to talk about two behaviors in particular—things that we all do sometimes, but that narcissists take to the extreme. This article will discuss narcissistic projection, while there’s a related post on narcissistic mirroring.

Related : The Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on her Daughter

Let’s take a look at what these behaviors are, what their implications are, and how best to deal with them.

WhatIsNarcissisticProjection?

Freud believed that projection was a defence mechanism – when there’s something inside of us that we don’t like or can’t handle, one way to deal with it is to project it onto someone else. We take it out to a place where it’s easier to deal with.

So that’s what projection is all about. What about narcissistic projection?

What is projection in narcissism?

This defence mechanism is very common in narcissists. So common, in fact, that in a 2018 article published by Cambridge University Press, Freud pointed to projection as one of the reasons why therapy for narcissists is so difficult – narcissists project their insecurities onto the therapist, making the process even more difficult.

So why is narcissistic projection so common?

Well, it’s simply that narcissists often have lower self-esteem and higher self-doubt than the average person. Yet at the same time, they can’t face up to these fears, because that would mean challenging their inflated self-image. So when they feel something they can’t accept, they reject it in themselves and project it onto someone else – like you.

Narcissistic projection can be very confusing. It can often seem to come out of nowhere. If a narcissist accuses you of being, doing, or feeling a certain thing, and makes you think, “Huh? Where did you get that idea?”, it’s very likely a projection.

Examples of Narcissistic Projection

Remember the general idea of ​​projection—it’s when they accuse you of something they actually do. So they might be accusing you of lying or manipulating when they’re the one lying.

If a narcissist is jealous of the time you spend with your friends, they may accuse you of being jealous. Or they may accuse you of not really liking them, and we know what that means.

Let’s say you’re having a conversation about a movie you just saw. You thought it was terrible, but the narcissist thought it was great. Because you’re challenging their judgment (which is never wrong, of course), this creates a narcissistic injury—they must not be wrong.

They start to get a little angry, and raise their voice while arguing with you. Then, out of nowhere, they say:

“Why are you so angry? It’s just a movie, what’s so upset about it?”

You sit there, completely confused. You don’t really care if you have different opinions about the movie. It doesn’t bother you. You’re not upset at all, let alone angry.

This is a projection. The narcissist has projected their anger onto you, because being angry about a movie is not a good person. So, you must be the one who’s angry.

Narcissists Accuse Others of Being Narcissistic

Do narcissists project their narcissism onto others? It really depends on two things:

Whether they’ve heard the term “narcissistic personality disorder” or know what a narcissist is

Whether they see it as a bad thing

If they’re aware of NPD and see it as a weakness, they can certainly accuse others of being narcissistic. If they’re not aware of NPD, they may simply accuse people of having narcissistic traits—maybe they say you’re selfish, arrogant, or that you talk about yourself too much.

If they don’t see narcissism as a bad thing (which many don’t—they may even see it as a positive), they’re less likely to project it onto others. Projection is a defense mechanism against threat, so if they don’t feel threatened, they have no reason to use it.

Dealing with Narcissistic Projection

Narcissists make sure they’re the dominant person in their relationships—whether it’s in the family, the workplace, or in romantic relationships. For this reason, projection can be a powerful weapon in their arsenal, because you may simply accept the projection.

This is the perfect scenario for a narcissist – you simply accept the projection, you get angry, and you both move forward with accepting it. If they go beyond simple accusations to making a conscious effort to make sure you believe them, they’ve moved from projection to manipulation.

Related : How Do Adult Children of Narcissists Develop in Life?

This can make dealing with projection difficult. Even if it’s completely false, the power of their personality puts pressure on you to accept it. So what’s the best way to deal with projection and blame?

Projection as a Tool

First, keep in mind that projection, while confusing, can actually be helpful. The narcissist gives you a window into their soul, in a sense. You get a glimpse of their true self underneath. Since the narcissist’s life is often built on lies and falsehoods, this can be a helpful insight into what’s really going on between their ears.

Just knowing this can help ease the projection. You know that it’s not really about you. They’re not really accusing you of anything they’re projecting. They’re accusing themselves. It’s their internal war going on—unfortunately, and you’re caught in the crossfire.

Disengage

As Darlene Lancer explains in Psychology Today , the next thing to consider is disengagement. Don’t react to the projection. Sure, if they say you’re angry while you’re sitting there relatively content, you can say, “I’m not angry at all.”—but that’s all you need to do.

You don’t need to justify yourself, or “prove” that you’re not angry. If they continue to project, just say, “That’s your opinion,” or “I disagree,” or “That’s not how I see it.” Don’t fall into the trap of the game—don’t start an argument. Just stay calm, and disagree.